Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Sept. 24)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:10 – Rexella ponders, “Will 2 religions cause World War III”? I say, “No”. It’ll probably just be one.

2:00 – Jack says the dead in Christ are raptured first “because they have 6 feet farther to go!” Ha! That’s not true, because the dead people in Denver are still closer to heaven than the living people in New Orleans. Ok, bad example, those looters are all going to hell, but you know what I mean.

3:27 – Jack talks science. It’s so funny. He thinks that we’re going to go through 187 trillion billion miles in 0.11 seconds (because that’s how fast GE measured the twinkling of an eye, which is how quickly we’ll be raptured. Of course that’s faster than the speed of light, so it’s impossible). Jack then implies that astronauts aren’t going to heaven. Damn scientists!!

12:00 – Rexella says that there have been 17 hurricanes this season. Why is that significant? Because the bible says so, that’s why!

1500 – Jack says that they have a lot of new tv contracts for the coming year. He probably nabbed that coveted 3:00-3:30 am time-slot between an infomercial on buying and selling real estate and some knives that cut through frozen pork. He says it’s a sign because he’ll be able to make ‘the last call to the nations on earth’ regarding the rapture. Or at least the alcoholics and sleep deprived people who watch tv that late.

15:30 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! The big 10! Whoa, big news. Revelations Revealed is available again. He says it’s $100 cheaper than it was, so if you bought it before, well, you’re a fucking moron.

21:00 – Jack gets mad at Osama Bin Laden for telling suicide bombers that they’ll be rewarded with 72 virgins in heaven. He says no god would give you virgins that you could have daily for the rest of eternity. Well, of course not, you can only have the virgin once, unless you get new virgins every day, in which case.... I think I need some clarification. Maybe they're onto something.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this – “Faith is God’s antidote for fear.” Think about that the next time you're afraid of something. Let me know how that works out for you.

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