A Report on Killer Whales.

The name killer whale is a bit of a misnomer. It's kind of misleading, because they're not whales at all, they're actually dolphins. It's widely believed that they were originally called "Whale Killers" because they like to kill whales, but Eskimos tended to be dyslexic, so the words got reversed. White man adopted the name because when the time finally came to clarify it was too late because they'd already killed the Eskimos and taken their land. (Sidenote, the Eskimo name for "white man" is "Killer Eskimo").

Killer whales are also called "Orcas" which is what the Romans called them. It's a little known fact that the Orcas (because they were so fierce) were originally used in the colliseum to fight gladiators, but instead of putting on a good show for the crowd, they just flopped around a bit in the dirt and then suffocated under their own body weight. Not only was it not entertaining, it was a bitch to clean up, as they were heavy.

Now, most people know the Killer Whale from Sea World or Marine Land where they are held captive and forced to perform silly tricks for dead fish. Some people think it's cruel and that the poor whale (or dolphin) should just be left alone. Others might argue that it's our duty as humans to take advantage of animals that aren't as smart as we are and make them jump through hoops to entertain the masses (and to make money). I, myself, try not to think about stuff like this, because if I feel strongly about it either way I might feel obligated to do something, and 'doing something' is harder than 'doing nothing' but I digress.

Killer whales travel in groups called "Pods". Pods take care of each other, like families. Sometimes though, some killer whales think that they're better off on their own, and they leave the pod. The stronger whales survive on their own, and possibly join another pod later in life, others have more trouble and struggle to make ends meet. Sometimes these whales turn to prostitution and porn. See below for a scene from the well known orca porn flick, "Free my Willie, bitch"

In conclusion, Killer Whales are pretty cool, considering the fact that they're really dolphins and sometimes resort to interspecies pornography. Maybe we shouldn't capture them and keep them locked up in a little pen, but then again, maybe we should, who knows, I haven't really thought about it.

Cartoons are Kinda Stupid

I was watching the Road Runner the other day and it kind of bothered me that it didn't make a lot of sense. The coyote (the one on the right in the picture) tried to get the bird (on the left) with catapults about 10 times, and guess what? They didn't work! Then (this is where it got annoying) he bought some ACME steroids and they made his legs HUGE, which, in turn, allowed them to become wheels which allowed him to run real fast. He then chased that bird around and came REALLY close but then one of his previous failed traps (not involving a catapult) sprung on him and smashed him. Now, you'd think that, because he came so close with the steroids, and it was really a fluke that his own damn trap caught him, he'd rethink it and try again - BUT NO! He went back to the damn catapults that didn't come anywhere near as close! What a retard.

The Imperial Buffet

"Confucius say, consolidate rather than expand business projects in the near future. Lucky numbers 1, 10, 12, 29, 38, 45"

Paul say, maybe I should consolidate rather than expand, but Confuscius don't know shit about picking lottery numbers.

Anyway, every time we go to one of those chinese buffets, all I can think about is, "Wow, these people are fat!" Then I think, they probably looked like me, until the they were gripped by the unshakeable claws of all-you-can-eat chicken balls and deep fried wontons. Then I just want to leave before I instantly gain 100 pounds and have fat hanging over my belt. I know the bible says, "Judge not, lest ye be judged" but I can't help it. Just because you can eat 4 plates of General Tao's chicken, doesn't mean you should. Show some restraint people! Also, a plate of fruit isn't really a plate of fruit when you dunk it under the chocolate fountain.

Reality Show Update!

Yes, I'm sure you've all been waiting for my reality show update, so here it is.

Survivor.

I picked Earl, and he won. I rule.

The Amazing Race.

I picked Dustin and Kandice, and they didn't win. They came in second. I was close. I rock.

The Apprentice.

I picked Stefani, and she won. I rule.

American Idol.

I picked Blake, and he lost. He did finish second though. I rock.

America's Next Top Model.

I picked Dionne, and she lost. I don't even know where she finished. It was a while ago. I think the hispanic woman won.

The Pussycat Dolls.

I don't really care who won this, but my picks didn't win. Does it really matter if there is one more skanky woman in that group? I'd say no.

Dancing With The Stars.

I picked the guy from N'Sync, and he lost. He did finish second though, which is pretty good. I rock.

Now there's nothing on tv to watch (at least until the next wave of crappy reality shows starts) so maybe I'll update more.

2 weeks!!

It's been 2 weeks since I updated, and for that, I guess I'm sorry. I bet you thought I'd been attacked by a tiger, but, no, it was this person.

Some people come up to me and say, they say, "Paul, how do you do it? How is it that week after week, you aren't attacked by a tiger?" To them, I typically respond, "It's a secret, but for a price, that secret can be revealed." Once they pay me I tell them that it's really no secret, and that all you have to do is not go near any, or dangle limbs near cages with openings big enough for a tiger's paw. More often than not they're not satisfied with that response and want their money back, but typically by that time I've run off.

Paul's Book Club (not to be confused with Oprah's)

This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Well, it has been a while since I announced my last book club selection, and for that I apologize. I hope nobody went and did something silly like read something.

The next book in my club is "Madame Bovary" by Gustave Flaubert.
Now this book is a little different than some of my other selections. I know absolutely nothing about this book/story (other than the fact that I don't want to read it.) I basically chose this book because "Bovary" sounds like "Ovary" which makes me laugh. Couldn't Gustave Flaubert have come up with a better name than "Bovary"?? Like maybe "Madame Ballopian Tube" or "Madame Blabia". Madame Blabia is a good name, no? Madame Bervix?

Sometimes I think "Maybe I'm missing out on some great works of fiction by not reading these books." Madame Bovary has some "Modern Critical Comments" at the back, that, maybe if I read them, they'd spark some interest in actually reading the book, and maybe, just maybe, I'd enjoy it and learn something. Unfortunately, I'm going to remain true to my book club and not read them. What kind of book club would I be hosting if I went and read stuff?

The next book in my book club is Madame Bovary. Join my club and don't read it.

Playing Cards

I bet if you had a deck of cards with dinosaurs on them you'd think that Tyrannosaurus Rex would be the ace of spades. Well, if you thought that, you'd be wrong.

"Fun" with Movie Plot Key Words

1 English Teacher, Graphic Violence, Rescue
2 Janitor, Television Station, Severed Thumb
3 Entrepreneur, Genocide, Compassion
4 Island, DNA, Eaten Alive
5 Park Bench, Vietnam, Table Tennis
6 Bitterness, Tango, Blind
7 Briefcase, Toilet, Idiot
8 Forbidden love, breasts, iceberg
9 New York City, Hearse, Marshmallow
10 Sex Appeal, Semi-Autobiographical, Music Business.

A Confession

My girlfriend and I watch reality tv. A lot of reality tv. "Why?" you may ask - I'm not sure. Having said that, here's what I think about reality tv right now.

Earl

Earl will win survivor. He seems to be most level-headed one on that show. I like Yau Man too, but he's too old and he'll be screwed later on.

Dustin and Kandice

Dustin and Kandice will win the Amazing Race All Stars. I kind of like Charla and Mirna, but one's a big bitch and the other is a midget, and I think those 2 things combined will cause them grief later on.

Stefani

Stefani will win the Apprentice. She's the most professional one left. The rest of them make me think I should be running my own company somewhere. If you can be a successful business owner and be a retard who can't run PowerPoint, then I think I'm in the wrong profession.

Blake

Blake will win American Idol. He's the only one who is talented and can make a song sound like it was sung in 2007. The 2 super talented black women are about 40 years too late to win I think. I don't think they're singing to the right audience and I don't think they'd sell any albums to anyone who watches that show.

Dionne

Dionne will win America's Next Top Model. She's not a bitch and a white girl won the last time, so it's time for a black model to win.

Anastacia

Melissa R

Anastacia Melissa R will be the next Pussy Cat Doll. This show kind of confuses me though because they have all these women who can sing and dance competing to be in a group where you don't need to do either. Only one Pussy Cat Doll can sing, and the 'dancing' is questionable. The rest just act like strippers. Finally, there are 6 Pussy Cat Dolls, 1 who sings, and the rest just prance around in skimpy outfits. The new one is going to be more famous (and talented) than the existing 5 background singers, which will probably just cause a bunch of infighting within the group. Maybe some hair pulling and girly shoving all the while wearing skin tight shorts and sports bras. Where was I again? Oh yeah, this show rules.

These 2 idiots.

These 2 will win Dancing with the Stars. First of all, he was in a boy band where he danced a lot. Probably unfair to the rest of the chumps on the show because he has some dancing background. AND he has 2 legs, which is a pretty big advantage. I really struggle with watching this show because it's just so bad. It's also funny that his name is Fatone. Ha. Fat One. Justin Timberlake is a huge mega star and the Fat One is dressing like Obi Wan on Dancing with the Stars. Someone should fire their agent.

There you have it. My thoughts on reality tv.

Are you too dumb to breathe?

A few days ago I had the unfortunate opportunity to watch the last 10 minutes of the train wreck that is "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

I don't get it.

I really, really don't get it. For $150 000, the question was, get this, how many months have 31 days? Hmmmmm, that's a tough one. Don't know off the top of your head? Well then count them! Who doesn't know this? She eventually said 7 (which is correct if you know anything about the months of the year). The worst part was the suspense that they tried to produce. It's not suspenseful if you're not a complete moron. Is the answer 7? Well, we'll find out after the break! (audience sighs and contestant gets all nervous). COME ON! It's like saying, "What's 2+2?" Ummm, I think it's 4. Well, we'll find out after the break! Fuck the break, the answer is 4. The $300 000 question was, "What continent is also a country". Her confused response was, "They all are". Of course she took the money so it didn't really matter that not all continents are also countries.

My 2 biggest issues with this are

1) she didn't know that Australia is a country and a continent and
2) she didn't have enough of a grasp of the English language to even understand the question.

If it had been on Saturday Night Live as a sketch it wouldn't have been funny because it's just too dumb.

The fact that this is a tv show that people watch makes me sad. I have to say that
a) giving someone $150 000 for knowing something that a retarded child knows and
b) being entertained by this show

is kind of pathetic. I'm sure they discriminate against smart people which isn't fair. Why shouldn't I get half a million dollars for knowing a very small amount about a country I don't live in? Seriously. I might be living in a bit of a bubble here, but there are some things that people should just know. There should NEVER be ANYONE who is of sound mind who gets the question about the months wrong. There's just no excuse. If you're reading this and you don't have the capability of determining how many months have 31 days, then you should take a good long look at yourself and ask what exactly you're contributing to society.

On a lighter note, I've been blogging for 3 years. 3 years! That's about 2.9 years longer than I thought I'd last. I guess I enjoy it. Thanks for reading.

A Report on Tigers

Inspired by Lisa's report on owls, I decided to report on tigers.



Tigers are cats. Some people say that curiosity killed the cat, but that's not true - it's really poachers. "Poachers killed the cat" isn't really a good saying, nor does it teach us any life lessons so you don't hear it often. The majority of the world's tigers now live in captivity. Many people believe that it's due to the aforementioned poaching and destruction of habitat, but the truth is, tigers are just lazy and would rather have someone else take care of them.

Tigers eat meat. Some animals that tigers like to eat are deer, wild boar, wild cattle, young rhinos and young elephants, and sometimes, even leopards, bears and Roy Horn. Tigers have been known to kill crocodiles on occasion. Of course they don't eat them, they typically just use the feet for ashtrays.

The word "tiger" is borrowed from the Greek word "tigris", which means "big cat not a lion". Greeks only thought there were 2 kinds of big cats. It's reported that when the Greeks found out about leopards they said, "fuck!" The word "leopard" is from the Greek "leopari" which means, "There'd better not be any more big cats". I won't even tell you where the word 'cheetah' comes from.

Some people think that sitting on top of an elephant is an easy way to avoid being attacked by a tiger. It's not. I've never sat on an elephant, and I've never been attacked by a tiger. Other notable people who haven't sat on elephants, and thus haven't ever been attacked by tigers are Wayne Gretzky, Tom Hanks and Heather Mills. Some people think that Heather Mills had her leg chewed off by a tiger, but they're wrong.

To summarize, tigers are cats and the ancient Greeks were pretty ignorant when it came to zoology. Sitting on an elephant is a sure way to be attacked by a tiger so I don't recommend you do it.

A True Story

It was a day like any other. The dam was intact with no indication of a breach. Life carried on as usual - or so it seemed. It started with a little rumbling. Not really even noticeable or even unexpected. It creaked and groaned occasionally, but that was no cause for alarm. It's a complex system with different stresses and strains, you can only expect a little rumble now and again. This rumble though, this rumble was the start of something a little more 'serious'. The exact cause (or root cause if you will) of the event is still not known, but on that fateful day, the dam could hold no more, and what happened next, was inevitable. It started out with a couple bursts of fluid and a whole lot of rumbling. Some of hte pressure was relieved, but there was more to come. Workers, flushed pink little workers tried diligently to stop the flood, but their 'fix' was only temporary. At times they were successful and the situation stabilized, but the next day, the dam would breach again, and the fluid and rumbling would continue.

I think I have the stomach flu.

Dinosaurs in the Bible.

Samara's post from last week got me thinking about dinosaurs in the bible, and, because dinosaurs existed back then (it says so in the bible) I thought I'd do a little research of my own. Inspired by the DaVinci Code, I thought that a good place to start my search would be The Last Supper. Now, where would one look first you may ask? Well, since there are 12 disciples, that would seem to be the obvious starting point. Now, which disciple might be a dinosaur? Well, again, Judas betrayed Jesus, and I imagine dinosaurs would betray people before people would (by "betray" I mean, "kill and eat") so I started there. Now, here's the exciting part. If you zoom in on Judas, this is what you see!



Now, it's a little hard to see, becasue that painting is so old, but, if I'm not mistaken, Judas looks like he might have been a velociraptor. Why would Jesus trust a velociraptor you may ask? Well, Jesus pretty much trusted everyone which might have been his problem. Anyways, there are other clues to this fact as well. See below.


If you look at the angle between Jesus and John (or Mary, but I'm not going to get into that, as neither of them were dinosaurs) it makes the shape of a "v". "V" is for "Velociraptor" and that, my friends, is all the proof I need. Just for kicks, I searched the bible for references to Judas, and astonishingly, this is what I found.

Mark 14:10 says, "Then Judas Iscariot, who was one of the twelve, went to the chief priests in order to betray him to them. " Now, I don't know what "Iscariot" means, but I'm assuming it has something to do with being a dinosaur.

Mark 14:43 says, "And immediately, while he was still speaking, Judas came, one of the twelve, and with him a crowd with swords..." The term 'swords' in this passage is obviously referring to the sickle shaped claw that the velociraptor sported on its feet.

I honestly thought I'd have more trouble proving the dinosaur theory, but, if something's true, then it's true, and uncovering that truth really shouldn't be all that difficult.

All Hail the Jesus Chimp

This story is a little old, so if you haven't read it, here it is.

An immaculately conceived chimp! How exciting! They say that they're going to do some DNA testing to see which of the chimp vasectomies didn't work, but I say, forget all that science crap - it's obvious who the father is. It's God, or, maybe the chimp version of God (which, if true, would mean that there were in fact at least 2 Gods, and I'm pretty sure that the Bible doesn't say anything about that.) I suppose though, that maybe there is a chimp God, and maybe we are wrong about evolution, every animal may have its own God, and we didn't really evolve at all. Or maybe we're just some basic science project from some higher power. Our genetic material is very similar to chimps, so maybe the chimp God just copied the real God, changed a few genes around and then passed it off as his own.

Chimp God - "Shit, is that project due today?"
God - "Ummm, yeah, and it's worth 25% of our total mark. I made something I call 'humans'. See? I built them out of building blocks I call DNA. Pretty cool huh?"

Chimp God is frantically trying to write all this down.

God - "They run around alot, don't really do what you ask them too, and, if left alone, they either steal each others stuff, or kill each other. They're kind of messed up actually. I didn't really work too hard on this project. What did you do?"

Chimp God - "Ummmm, I made something I call "chimps". Yeah, chimps."

God - "They look a lot like humans. You didn't just copy me, did you?"

Chimp God - "Ummm, no, see? Chimps run around aimlessly, play with themselves and throw their feces."

God - "So you did copy me!"

The Jesus chimp's mother is pictured here.

I'll Be Thinking of You, Down in Mexico

It's Oscar time, which means there are a lot of movies to be watched. Why do I have to wait until Oscar nominations to see movies you ask? Well, how else am I supposed to know which movies are good? Or, even more importantly, how else am I supposed to know which movies to like? Base it on my own objective opinions you say? Nah, it's much easier just to have someone else tell me.

Blood Diamond

This movie, more than any other movie ever, has really made me want to quit my job to go to Africa to smuggle diamonds. What a glamourous lifestyle. Guns, money and hot babes - what more can you ask for?

Letters From Iwo Jima

This movie, more than any other movie ever, has really made me want to quit my job to join the army. Shooting guns and digging holes on a warm sunny island somewhere in the south Pacific, with none of the stresses of office work? Sign me up.

Last King of Scotland

This movie, more than any other movie ever, has really made me want to quit my job to become the ruthless, psycho president of some third world country. Money, guns, booze and women, and you get to kill people you don't like? What's not appealing about that?

I may have missed the point on some of these movies, but if I've learned anything, I think it's that I need a new job.

Now, because I haven't updated in so long, I figure that I'll write one of those long blog posts that people look at and think, "Damn, this is too long, I'm not going to read it." I know you think that, because, well, that's what I think when I see a long post. Posts where you have to scroll down to read the whole thing are too long.

I'm going to Mexico next week. I'm going to watch whales. I've always liked whales, which might explain why my favourite book is Moby Dick. Anyways, if all goes as planned, this is what I'll be watching next week. Seriously though, Jessica Alba would be hotter if she'd gain a few pounds. She's looking a little skinny. Eat dammit!

Anyways, I think I'm off until after I get back. Hopefully I'll have many an amusing story about whales, and no amusing stories about explosive diarhhea and food poisoning.

Conjoined Twins.

I was watching a show on the Learning Channel and it was about conjoined twins. Specifically, these twins. Now, I'll be honest, my first response to seeing this was to laugh and think, what a freak! (You did too, don't lie) But really, they're quite remarkable. They each control one arm and one leg, and they do things like sports, piano, and typing on the computer. How can you type with 2 hands when you don't know what the other hand is doing? Even walking would require co-ordinating your steps with someone else who you don't control. It's crazy! They drive as well! Anyways, I just thought it was interesting that there's a 2 headed girl out there. I also thought that it would be interesting if that conjoined twin had a kid (with one head) but didn't let the kid out into the world until they were about 15, so for 15 years the one headed kid would be thinking that they were the different ones. Imagine the look on their face when they see all the other one headed people out there! Classic.

It has been a while

And it'll be a while longer. I was all psyched to write a post, but then I got distracted, and now I'm leaving. I will post later.

Merry Christmas

Worst Song Ever

The Christmas Shoes

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
(maybe if you didn't wait until the last second to buy stuff you'd be in a better mood, dipshit)
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say,
(I could believe it. What do you expect from a dirty looking kid in a store? Do you honestly think he has money? I'd just go to another line, as you know it's going to take a while.

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
Did you ever think that it might make her smile more if you were physically there when she died? Maybe she was so sad that you weren't there that she died of a broken heart...
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.
What the hell?! Why is Daddy letting you run around by yourself? Where is Daddy? His name isn't K-Fed is it? Jesus is probably the name of the pool boy that mom is screwing on the side anyways.
Mom - I want to look good for Jesus tonight!
Kid - Why Mommy, are you sick??
Mom - Ummmm yeah, sick. Sick of your father...
Kid - What?
Mom - Nothing.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
See?? Should have gone to another line.
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
Don't look at me, kid. I'm not a charity.
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.
You should have thought about that before you tried to buy something with no money. Grown ups trade money for goods and/or services, so I suggest you either go ask your father for the money, or maybe get a job.

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
What? What does that teach the kid?
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great.
Unless it's an open casket, it doesn't really matter

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
By using a poor kid and his dying mother to remind you that you shouldn't be an asshole while you're in line buying an ipod and PSP3 that you really don't need? Heaven's love indeed. Why doesn't heaven love the poor kid with the sick mother?
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

And what exactly did it teach you about Christmas? Some poor kid, with no money has a sick and dying mother and you buy him a pair of shoes and then feel good about yourself? What a great story! What about the kid? What does he learn about God's love? God doesn't love poor kids who beg for shoes. He only kills their mothers? Plus, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, which, if I'm not mistaken, isn't mentioned in this song.

The choir of little kids singing at the end is really too much too. Fuck this song sucks.

Light my ass.

Here you have hot chocolate. Mmmmm, so tasty.

What's that you say? "It tastes good, but think of all the calories?! Why can't they make a light hot chocolate?"

Well, fret no more, those crazy scientists did it! That's right, there does indeed exist a light hot chocolate!



Now, how many high-priced chemist-type people do you think it took to come up with a light hot chocolate? (The light one is on the left - WOW HALF the calories!)



President - How will we ever reduce the calories by half?! It can't be done! It just can't be done!

VP - Why don't they just put half as much powder in each pouch?

President - That's just crazy enough to work!

Fuck off President's Choice. It's just half the amount of regular hot chocolate (with less sugar, which I'm sure will make it taste like crap).