The other day...

The other day I was out at Sport Chek (buying a yoga mat, I think) and I happened to look at the running stuff (because I always look at running stuff). I'm all for whatever might make me run faster, stay cooler, or whatever. So, I came across some shorts and they were on sale, and they were basically what I wanted. They have the kind of bike short lining under the running short. Bike shorts are supposed to better keep your muscles from bouncing around, thus making for more efficient running, and less lost energy keeping your muscles from bouncing around. Anyways, I bought 2 pairs and left. While walking through the mall, I thought, "Hmmmm, I didn't even check to see if these were men's or women's shorts" (although they were with all the other mens stuff). Anyways, to make a long story short, they're women's shorts! Man, what a homo. They're smalls too. That's right, I wear a women's small.

I like them, so I decided to keep them, but I have one question,

Do these shorts make my ass look big?

Halloween!!

Well, it's time again for a Halloween post! This year, I'm going to change it up a bit and write about how women's costumes are all slutty, and that while you think you're going as a "sexy leprechaun", you're really going as a "whore".

Now, while perusing the slutty costumes, I came across 3 things that I found rather disturbing. In no particular order -

1. These two "Sexy Scarecrow" costumes



don't cost the same! The one on the right is $10 cheaper than the one on the left! This to me is blatantly discriminatory! Why? Because the fat girl has to pay more! Do I have to pay less for my 28 waist jeans than the guy who buys size 42? No. Is he getting twice the amount of material?? Yes. If I had any skill with a sewing machine I could buy fat jeans and then tailor them into 2 pairs of skinny jeans, buy I digress. The fat woman should not have to pay more for her costume, and she should be able to dress like a whore for the same amount of money as anyone else.

2. These are advertised as "teen" costumes.



Teens (boys and girls) don't need any help being whores, so I think these "Teen" costumes are a little inappropriate. Especially the convict one, but ESPECIALLY the french maid one. Ask any dude what comes to mind when you say "French Maid" and I guarantee you it isn't, "What innocent teens dress up as to go to a Halloween party with friends where they sit around exchanging recipes before getting tired and heading back home to bed." French Maid = Sex fantasy, so teen girls should NOT be dressing up as French Maids.

3. Finally, what the hell is this???



If you guessed "a Ghostbuster", you'd be wrong, because I think the description was "sexy Ghostbuster", but, I've seen both Ghostbuster movies, and I don't recall anything that looked like her in that movie. Maybe there's a Ghostbuster movie I'm not aware of...Just a sec...I'll check...Nope. I searched for Ghostbusters porn as well, but was afraid to click on any of the links.... Anyway, they're not even trying with this costume. They just took a slutty costume, slapped a Ghostbuster symbol on it, and called her a Ghostbuster! It's blasphemy (if you worship ghostbusters as your almighty saviour, that is).

So, having said that, I've decided to open my own costume store. Here are some of my creations.



Anyway, Happy "Dress Like a Whore" day!!

Yoga

My wife and I signed up for yoga class. Yoga people are weird. They're so calm and serene, it kind of creeps me out. It can't possibly be good for you either. They must have a lot of pent up anger in them just waiting for that day when someone does downward dog wrong and they just snap and kick the shit out of them. (side note - any single guys out there who want to meet hot toned women, take yoga. I'm the only guy in the class. You can thank me later.)

Anyway, back to the part about yoga people being weird. Look at this mat (that I bought)


Come on now! Are there seriously any people out there who would be lying on their mat doing some yoga pose thinking, "I just can't stop thinking that this yoga mat is going to spend all eternity sitting in a landfill somewhere." It's especially kooky because that same person probably drove their gas-guzzling SUV to yoga class.

It also came with a warning -

I have a hard time believing that doing yoga has killed many people. Having said that, I decided to check the good old internet to see if anyone actually has been killed doing yoga, and guess what?! They have! Check out these pictures!






The lion and the anvil I can deal with, I'll just do yoga inside, but shit, her head just fell off! That's CRAZY.

I had an idea!!

I call it "assbook". The idea is that you take a picture of your ass, and then post it online for all your long lost friends from highschool to see! Why you ask? Well, because, let's be honest here, you don't really care about Suzy from grade 12, you just want to know if she's gotten fat over the years.

I'm back baby!!

Hello?? Is anyone there?? I'm sorry I've neglected this blog, but recently I've had a flood of creativity where everywhere I look I see something and think, "I should blog about that." Well, because I don't want to waste any "A" material on a first post that nobody will read, I will write a short summary of what I've been doing for the past 6 months.

March - Stopped blogging.
April - Bought a Wii (which may not have been in April, but it did happen at some point)
May - can't remember
June - can't remember
July - Got married in Jamaica.

August - Ummm, revelled in newly wed bliss??
September - Hit 32 tiger attack free years! I celebrated this impressive feat by trying to get attacked by a lion, but alas, it did not occur.

I had to go all the way to Africa to do it too!
October - Decided to start blogging again.

There you have it. Consider yourselves caught up. Now, don't consider the fact that I walked with lions as an endorsement of the activity, as I've since heard that maybe it's not the best kind of thing to support, BUT, I'll claim ignorance, as I believed what they told me (which may be true, I don't know...) I may have some other Africa related posts coming up, depends on my ability to keep writing posts... I think I'll write some right now in the hopes that I get my 4 readers back.

Holy Crap!

Man, it has been a while. What ever could I have been doing for the past month you ask? Well, not much. I did decide that it would be a good idea to take a painting class. Painting looks so easy. Well, news flash, it's not. Stupid instructor just splatters paint on paper and it looks like a river and some pine trees. I do it and it just looks like crap.

I got a new tv too. It's 46 inches of pure viewing pleasure. High definition is cool, but sometimes you see too much. Take the Oscars for example. Man, you can see every little wrinkle. And, (not that I was looking) the picture is so clear you can see the veins in Jessica Alba's breasts. I never would have thought that a picture of Jessica Alba's breasts would be "too clear".

What else... I got engaged. That's also new. We're going to Jamaica in July and we're getting hitched. There are like, 3 things to plan for a wedding in Jamaica and it's kinda stressful. I can't imagine planning a huge wedding here. Yech.

Anyways, thank you for asking where I was. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm sorry I've neglected this blog recently. I'll try to update more often, I promise.

Special K Revisited

Special K is a cereal. Now, maybe I eat Special K because I like it, maybe it's because I believe it to be good for me, maybe it's because I just want to look like the people on the box. Who knows? One thing I do know is this - if I go to the United States and buy Special K, it doesn't look like the Special K that I buy in Canada. Why is that? What are "they" up to?



Look! They both say "Original"! Look at them! One is flat like Corn Flakes and the other doesn't look like Corn Flakes at all! One is not original. One is a dirty filthy liar.

Well, I decided that to find out why, the best way would be to go to the source. That's right, Mr. Kellogg himself. He didn't answer, but a Mr. Pablo A. Martinez from the Consumer Affairs Department did and he said the following:

Thank you for writing to us about Special K®.

We always look for ways to maximize our brands on a global basis while remaining sensitive to the local tastes and cultures within each market. Extensive market research helps us assess whether a brand can be successfully introduced in multiple markets. The formulation of the products is different due to the varying preferences when it comes to taste and texture in any given market.

We appreciate your interest in our company and products.

Huh? "Varying preferences when it comes to taste and texture in any given market"? Is that true?? Will Americans buy more Special K because it looks like Corn Flakes? Do Americans like Corn Flakes that much?? Or, I suppose, do Canadians dislike Corn Flakes that much? Come to think of it, the thought of those little flakes of 'corn' does kind of disgust me.

My in depth investigation also uncovered that Special K is also a drug.

Because I'm so thorough with my reporting, I thought I'd try it myself.



So, in closing, Special K is a healthy cereal that looks different depending on which county you live in. I don't recommend snorting it, just eat it like any other health conscious woman would. This is partly because it stings, and partly because after a while, you find that not only do you eat it at breakfast, you'll also find yourself needing it at lunch, dinner and then when you hit rock bottom, even snorting it off some hooker's chest in the back room of some filthy club.



Note: Sorry for the crappy photography in this post. It's not easy to do day-to-day things when you're hepped up on Special K.

Tiger Attack!!

I've gone 31 years with no tiger attack, which, to borrow words from my girlfriend, "is about 10 years more than these chumps."

See? It's possible. You really have to be careful, especially when you know tigers are around.

The thing that annoys me is they shot the tiger. Tigers are endangered, morons are not. To look on the bright side, at least they'll have 4 more ashtrays in the giftshop.

Special K

Why is the Special K that you buy in the States different than the Special K that you buy in Canada? American Special K is flatter, like Corn Flakes while the Canadian version is rounder, like Rice Krispies. Wouldn't you think that it all comes from the same factory in China somewhere?

Facebook

I was thinking about joining Facebook, but then I didn't.

The Bachelor

I've been exposed to this show for 2 weeks in a row now (which is partly my fault) but it's a horrible horrible show. The whole point is to get 2 or more women to fall in love with one guy and then have him crush all but one on national tv for our entertainment. Anyone who says the point of the bachelor is a romantic one or a positive one is pretty naive. The other annoying thing about this show is that all these women think they're in love with the guy. You could put any dude up there and that same woman who was just broken hearted over Brad's rejection would be broken hearted over that other guy who she was supposed to fall in love with. How can you possibly fall in love over a few weeks while camera crews follow you around and while the person you're 'falling in love' with is seeing multiple other people?? I mean, he gave all 3 keys to the 'fantasy suite'! My first question, if I were one of the girls would be, "before I accept this key, who else did you give it to and why?" Either he's playing all 3 for some sexy time in the fantasy suite, or he's deliberately leading 2 of them on, which, doesn't say much about his character. This show veils itself under the guise of 'helping 2 people find each other' when it's really about us taking pleasure in other people's emotional traumas. Maybe they should have multiple bachelors instead of just one.

I've been watching "A Shot at Love" with Tila Tequila, and that show rules! I find it entertaining for the same reasons I watch "Flava of Love". I suppose I don't value the feelings and emotional health of white trash as much as 'normal' people.

Halloween!! (basically the same post as previous Halloweens, because, really, how much is there to say?)

So, MSN has an article about "What your Halloween costume says about you"

Here's my interpretation of what the following Halloween costumes 'reveal' about the people wearing them.

The woman who dresses as "Captain Booty" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you in the bathroom at a party.



The woman who dresses as an "Alpine Girl" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you in the bathroom at a party. This is made obvious by the fact that the only reason to dress up like an "Alpine Girl" is to go out in the skimpiest, sluttiest costume so, when someone asks, "Are you a prostitute?" she can respond "No silly! I'm an Alpine Girl!"



The woman who dresses as the exceedingly suggestive "Cavegirl" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you. Period. Why go all the way to the bathroom when the Cavegirl will do it on the couch with people watching? You get laid, and you don't even lose your spot! It's win-win with the Cavegirl. (Also, I think the cavegirl who decided to wear the fish nets on her legs as opposed to using it to, oh, I don't know, catch fish, probably didn't survive to reproduce, so not only is she a cavegirl, but a dumb one. If it's wrong to expect historical accuracy in Halloween costumes then I don't want to be right.)



The woman who dresses as the "Gold Digger" is one to stay away from (after you have sex with her in the bathroom, of course.) You see, she chooses the gold digger because that's exactly what she is. In fact, she might not even have sex with you in the bathroom of the party, she might insist you take her to a hotel or to the backseat of a moderately expensive car.



The woman who dresses as "Cat Woman" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you. Now, if you think the Cat Woman is going to have sex with you in the bathroom at a party, you're sorely mistaken. No sir, those pants are way too hard to put back on after a quickie on the sink. You're going to have to take her back to your place. While still a sure thing, approach Cat Woman at the end of the night, not beginning.



The woman who goes as a "Pin Up" is just dumb. You see, without the wind blowing up the skirt, there's no difference between that costume and something you might wear to a garden party in July. Spend time with this woman if you like to hear people ask, "So, you're going to a garden party?" To which she'll respond, "I didn't realize that there wouldn't be a constant wind blowing up my skirt, it looked good in the picture. I thought the wind was included."

Now, to be fair, I'll do some male costumes as well.



The man who dresses as a referee, a gladiator, a pirate, or Hef will try to have sex with any of the costumes listed above. He is a man-whore with little else on his mind.



The man who dresses up as Jason is a guy who still lives in his parent's basement. He cares more about the costume than the sex with slutty women. You'll see him in character most of the night wondering why none of the women will talk to him and why the bathroom always seems to be occupied.

Happy Halloween.

(If you think these costumes are over the top, check this out. There's even a picture in a bathroom! (not sure if it's pre or post sex though.)

Update!!!

Well, I've let this blog slide a bit, with all the working and tv watching that I've been doing. Now, I have some "good" ideas but since nobody reads this anymore, I don't want to waste my time. Show me some love people. I worked so hard over the years to get my 8 readers, now I've let it all slide. Why have I been so foolish!?

Of course I'll still post my 'good' ideas, but I'll silently (or not so silently, as demonstrated above) sit here and accept the fact that I've neglected my blog and lost my audience.

On an unrelated note, we just took a guy out for dinner and tried to get him to do the "72 ounce challenge" where he has to eat a 72 ounce steak in an hour to get it all down. He only managed 63 ounces. I can't imagine eating 4 pounds of meat.

Obscure humour + stupid audience = cancellation

Paul's Book Club (not to be confused with Oprah's)

This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Now this one is a little different. You see, when you spend hours driving back and forth to the cottage, you need something to make the time go faster. We figured that being drunk might do it, but alcohol is expensive, so we decided that reading books might be a good way to a) pass the time, and b) learn something while you're in the car for hours at a time, plus, books from the library are FREE! Regardless, it didn't take too long to realize that reading out loud for an extended period of time is even worse than reading in your head for any length of time, so we moved on to the next best thing. That's right, books on tape.

Dante's Inferno from The Divine Comedy.



(I like the braille on the cover too. I guess it's good to know that blind people don't like to read either.)

This one lasted about 5 minutes before I said, "What the hell is he talking about? If I'd been reading this book, I would have put it down about 4 minutes ago." It's read by some boring english guy too, which makes it even more sleep inducing (not good when you're on the highway). The only thing that would make this book on tape tolerable would be if it were actually Jessica Alba doing the reading, and instead of reading Dante's Inferno she was reading Penthouse Forum. Or, I suppose she could be reading Dante's Inferno while manually stimulating herself, I suppose that might make it better. That gives me a great idea! I'm going to start a series of books on tape titled, "Great Works of Literature read by some hot chick masturbating". Teenaged boys will line up for blocks waiting to learn all about Charles Dickens and Jane Austen. I imagine War and Peace will be a best seller, but I'd have to find a hot chick who really likes masturbating. Maybe I'd have to have a couple different ones for the longer books, but those details can be sorted out later. Damn, open auditions start today! I think the first book I'll do is Schindler's List. Is it in poor taste to read Schindler's List while pleasuring yourself? I'd say 'probably', but it's pretty subjective.

Anyway, join my book club, don't read this book (or listen to it, or look at it) today (unless, of course, it's being read by a hot chick masturbating).

Reality Show Update!!

Just for Corinna, because she asked, here's my reality show update.

Big Brother 8

Daniele is an idiot. She may have done irreversible damage to her long term relationship for some dork she'd known for a couple days. She also thinks "Nothing's fair!". News flash, nothing is fair. Get used to it.

Amber cries WAY too much. She cries when people get nominated, she cries when they get evicted, she cries when she votes for people, she cries when they win HOH. How much water does she have to drink to maintain any sort of hydration?

I like the way Dick plays, but he's a little too 'in your face' and I think people will get tired of it.

So, who will win? Maybe Amber will win, or Daniele. I don't think Amber has enough tears to actually win though... Maybe God has already decided, like what whacko chick thinks.

I also kind of like Jen. She takes so much abuse and doesn't seem to let it get to her. Everyone hates her though, so I doubt she'll make it much further.

So You Think You Can Dance. I think Lacey will win. Partly because she's good, and partly because she's Benji's sister.

Canadian Idol. Greg will definitely win. He's so much better than everyone else. I like how they can use instruments this year. Instead of just being a schmuck from a small town who can sing, some of them are schmucks who actually play instruments.

Hmmmm, I think that's all that I'm watching right now. Corinna mentioned "Age of Love", which, when it first came out, I kind of wanted to watch, but I hate those dating shows (unless it's Flava of Love, because I love watching that train-wreck of a show). Granted, people know what they're getting into, but I still have a problem with a show that encourages multiple people to fall in love with one person and then crush one of them for our entertainment. Plus, in all honesty, I don't think there's any way that a 30 year old professional tennis player will pick one of the older women. I just can't see it happening. Now, I haven't been watching it at all, but I imagine (because the finale is on Monday) that there is one older woman left, and one younger woman left, and there's all this "drama" over will he go with age and experience or youth and beauty (or some other crap like that). Hmmmm, old woman who has had plastic surgery? Or young hot girl who will probably have plastic surgery, just not for 15-20 more years. I guarantee you that he will pick the young girl. I also guarantee you that the producers of the show told him to string along one of the older women until the end, eventhough there's not a chance in hell that he'll pick one. It's all about evolution and the human animal. He will not pick the old woman. It wouldn't make sense.

Shit, I forgot about "America's Got Talent". Cas Haley will win that. I love that guy. Plus, the competition is pretty weak. Butterscotch is good, but not as good as Cas.

Have a good long weekend.

Not Dead, just lazy.

I haven't updated in a while. I want to, but I can't seem to find the time. Just when one season of reality tv is over another one begins! I have a couple things I want to post, so one of these days I'll do it, I promise. If you still come by here to check, thanks, and I'll get around to writing something soon.

Avril Lavigne stole from me too!!

What's all this fuss over Avril Lavigne stealing songs? Have you even heard the comparison? Plus, the song by the group who is claiming she stole from them sounds suspiciously like a Rolling Stones song. Now, this group certainly has a lot of balls to sue someone for stealing a song that they themselves stole. It's like me stealing someone's car and then getting mad when someone steals it from me. They're obviously just looking for money because who has even heard of the "Rubinoos?" Regardless, the Avril Lavigne version doesn't sound anything like the others.

This one is a little harder to defend, especially since it was reported that she claimed to listen to the group. What was all this about again? Oh yeah, I wrote a song about 10 years ago that has lyrics that are eerily similar to Sk8r Boi, only I spelled it with a "7". I never recorded it because I couldn't figure out how to pronounce "Sk7r".

Lack of Posting

Well, if you care, I'm not updating much because I'm reading. That's right people, reading. Now, don't get me wrong, I still don't endorse reading as an activity that one should participate in routinely, but, occasionally, there's something that interests me, and, at those times, if I can't find it on tape or find a DVD that basically summarizes it for me, I find myself having to read.

Not only is it fat (1500 pages) but there are a lot of words on each page too.



Anyway, what could I possibly be reading about, you might ask? Well, it's about the JFK Assassination, which, for a reason I don't know, interests me. Now, I'm far from an expert on the subject, but based on the investigations that have been done and all the evidence that exists, anyone who thinks there was a conspiracy is pretty ignorant. Saying that there were multiple shooters is equivalent to saying "The earth is flat." Sure, it looks flat, but there's overwhelming scientific proof that the earth isn't in fact flat. You might even want to argue that the earth is flat, but I wouldn't recommend it. You might look like an idiot.