Sunday, August 22, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 24)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

5:14 – “A day with the Lord is as a thousand years, and a thousand years is as a day.” So, because God created the world in 6 days, and rested on the 7th day, the world will go on for 6000 years and then when the 7th day starts, the next 1000 years will be the 1000 days that Christ will spend here after he returns! Guess what?? We just started the 7000th year!! He’s coming soon!! This also means that the earth is only 6000 years old, which, as most people know, isn’t true.

17:00 – Science is truly amazing in so many areas says Rexella! Car goes 330 mph. Car runs on vegetable oil. 1.4 billion dollar spacecraft is heading towards Saturn. Hubble telescope spots planets. Wheelchair that runs on thought (I wish I could walk, I wish I could walk, hey, I’m moving!! – NOTE: I almost didn’t keep that in, is that too insensitive??).

“Smart pills make headway”, Rexella says that she could use some of those! No kidding. I’d love to see Jack’s show after he took some smart pills. “Jesus on a cloud?? Man, this book is whacked!!”

18:40 – We are told by the specialists who study space (I think they’re called astronomers, Jack) that there are 50 billion worlds out there. Jack then says that that isn’t hard for him to believe because the bible says Christ created the worlds PLURAL. This is pretty funny, because the same scientists who tell you about the planets will tell you that the earth is more than 6000 years old. Moron.

Math made easy by Jack!! The human brain has 100 billion cells and 50 000 connectors. For a total of 1000 million million connections (or 1 gajillion to the lay person) What does this mean? Take a dense forest that is one million square miles, take all the leaves from all the trees, and you have an idea of how many connectors are in a human’s brain. No you don’t. Saying there are 1000 million million leaves is just as hard to picture as saying there are 1000 million million connections in your brain. Jack, your kooky explanation didn’t help at all. Why not say, if you stacked a gajillion bibles on top of each other and took them to the sun, you’d be better off, as there wouldn’t be any bibles around here anymore.

24:00 – Jack’s prayer. Save me Jack! Save me!!

25:00 – The QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! Oh, it’s a good one. When a young man of someone’s church gets married, his friends take him to a strip club where he gets drunk. Of course, Christians don’t belong in strip clubs, so alternate ‘clean’ and ‘fun’ (read “boring”) activities are suggested. Everyone goes to strip clubs for bachelor parties, AND, if Jesus is omnipresent, then he’s ALWAYS at a strip club, actually, he’s always at EVERY strip club. Man, what a pervert. That's probably why he's always asking God for change...

Jesus - "Hey Dad, can I have 4 fives for a twenty?"

God - "What's with you and the five dollar bills?? And why do you smell funny??

26:20 – Well, Jack says all can be forgiven. That’s good news. I’ll beg for forgiveness in about 60 years. Why waste good years by begging for forgiveness now?? I pity the chump who doesn’t figure that one out.

28:00 – You’re headed in the right direction when you walk with God. Sure, whatever.

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