Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 17)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 - Rexella’s father taught them to be very patriotic. In case you missed a few weeks back, Rexella performed a moving rendition of God Bless America, which, as I recall, almost made me move my lunch back out onto the keyboard. Rexella has great admiration for the armed forces. Two army friends of the Van Impes are said to be “two of the most intelligent people Jack knows”. Not intelligent enough to stay out of the army though…

5:00 – Sun Myung Moon said that he was ‘the Saviour’ and ‘the Messiah’ when he was crowned in Washington. Well, that’s just crazy!! Jack lists a bunch of passages that say that the saviour’s name will be Jesus, not some Korean dude. What a nut!!! As a side note, in a 1997 sermon, Sun Myung Moon likened homosexuals to "dirty dung-eating dogs”, which is really uncalled for, as simply “dung-eating dogs” would have gotten the point across.

9:17 – Is Al Qaeda winning the war?? The terrorism will never end. It’s a world wide problem because the bible says it is. Don’t worry about it though, it’s all part of Jesus’ plan. It’s all documented in the bible people.

14:00 - The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! They’ve had to make an emergency order because they ran out. I guess 2 people ordered it.

16:36 – Rexella wishes that they could just have good news for us (as she just read a bunch of headlines about war and killing). Huh? This whole show is about how Jesus is coming. All the wars, all the killing, all the disease, they’re all SIGNS!! Signs pointing toward the coming of Jesus! If that’s not good news, then I don’t know what is. Jack is a little inconsistent sometimes. You’d think that someone with as many PhDs as Jack has wouldn’t be such a moron.

27:20 – The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! What impressed Jack most about that movie? Well, Jack says it doesn’t matter, because if you’re born again, you’ll be whisked away before all this tribulation crap happens. All the more reason to buy this tape people!!

28:00 – Rexella says, "The best reason for doing right today, is tomorrow." Huh? That doesn’t make sense. I say, tomorrow is a good reason for doing wrong today, because who knows what’ll happen tomorrow?? Maybe if you don’t get the sinning out of your system today, you’ll get hit by a bus tomorrow and then you’ll have missed out on all the fun.

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