Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Join Millions Across the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (Aired August 14)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella was thrilled to see the Olympics start (probably not so thrilled to see the letter from their lawyer, keep reading). Now, she talks about Barry Sanders being inducted into the Hall of Fame! Barry came to their table one day to meet them. He said he appreciated their weekly tv show! Who knew that Barry Sanders was a moron?? George W. Bush sent them a letter thanking them for their Animals in Heaven DVD, I guess we all knew HE was a moron.

9:57 – Rexella says that in order to prevent bad things from happening, specifically the government being destroyed by a small nuclear weapon (bad??), that we need to do everything we can by praying. Now, in my mind, doing nothing but praying is probably the least amount of effort that can actually be put forward in order to accomplish anything. It's probably the least effective way to get anything done as well.

10:00 – Rexella comments on the fact that she loves her country. Ahhhh, Jack then reads, “where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. And because this nation was founded on the word of God by great leaders from Europe to honour God I believe we have this liberty.” And we all know that they were doing God’s will when they wiped out the Indians. Of course God means OUR liberty, not THEIRS.

12:39 – Ha! Rexella says that they are not Doomsday prophets, they’re "just reading the headlines"! Well, technically that’s true Rexella, but you’re also putting a doomsday spin on all of them. I think by interpreting every headline to mean that the world is coming to an end probably does indeed qualify you as being a doomsday prophet…you moron.

23:30 – THE QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! The Incan calendar stops on December 25, 2012. What does this mean? Whoa. This is good. Ok, according to Matthew 1:17, there were 42 generations between Abraham and Jesus Christ. This covers a period of 2,160 years. Divide the 2,160 by 42 and it comes to 51.5 years for a generation.

Matthew 24:32-35 tells us that the generation that sees Jerusalem captured by the Jewish people will also witness the Return of our Lord.

Israel is the fig tree, and when Israel captured Jerusalem in June 1967, we believe this started the countdown. You add 51.5 to June 1967, and it comes out to 2,019.

Well, 2019 doesn’t equal 2012, but wait, let me finish! If you subtract the 7 years of tribulation, you get 2012. Now, to me, this is pretty convincing evidence. If you can look past the fact that Jack totally fudged the numbers to get the number he wanted. Regardless, I recommend that you keep December 25, 2012 open, because what in any other year is just another day where you don’t think twice about God or Jesus, in 2012 it’s pretty significant from a religious standpoint.

26:00 – Ha, do you know why the Olympic offer of the week only lasted 2 weeks? Because the lawyers for the Olympics made them stop selling it. I guess Jack’s lawyers weren’t exactly doing their jobs when they okayed that DVD. Rexella then gets excited because at least that means that the Olympic people are watching their show!

27:46 – Whoa, the stupidest thing that Rexella has ever said.
“Sometimes we’re tempted to do something that’s wrong, to do something that’s right. But, It’s never right to do wrong, even to do right.”
I guess that means that it’s never right to wipe out a country because you don’t like the way they operate and you want their oil. Or, it’s never right to wipe out the poor Indians because you want their land for your own hedonistic gluttonous lifestyle. But Jack and Rexella love their country oh so much, and they love George W. too, so the fact that they say that pisses me off because they’re so goddamn stupid.

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