Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Join Millions around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 31)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella watched the Democratic Convention for the fashion. Well, she seems to be pretty fashionable herself, with a jacket that could only have come from the Salvation Army. Now she’s commenting on the different hair styles. Now Jack points out that Kerry and Edwards have nothing on Jack and Chuck’s hair. Damn, they’re stylin’!!

3:10 – Rexella comments on the fact that some people send letters thanking them for the humour at the beginning of the show. They like to start off light because of the seriousness of the show. Seriousness of the show?! THAT is funny!!

5:47 – Rexella wonders if we can have peace in a troubled world?? I think she means peace of mind, because the gibberish that follows all points to the fact that there is no reason to think that the world should be troubled. "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me". Anyone who feels troubled obviously isn't reading their bible! God is with you, you have no reason to feel troubled. Pay the hydro bill? Nonsense, God will look after that. And when the hydro company calls you asking about the payment, just say, “It’s ok, God is taking care of it, don’t worry.” Then when you’re sitting around in the dark, you can thank God for taking such good care of you. It's all part of His plan, just keep sitting there in the dark. God'll pay the gas and water bills too. Don't worry.

8:41 – Ooooh, a profound headline!! “9/11 panel finds deep failings in security”. No shit. I could have told you that, and I wouldn’t have needed help from a panel.

9:00 – Bin Laden’s goal is to kill 4 million Americans. Well, it’s good to set lofty goals, I’d say.

9:10 – Lots of fear mongering here. Lots of headlines saying “YOU ARE NOT SAFE!!” Jack says that indeed, we are not safe. Again, I don’t really get this. Just a second ago Jack said that when Jesus comes the dead will first be taken up to be with him, then the living will be swept up in the twinkling of an eye!! My question is, if, dead or alive, you’re going to meet Jesus (any day now, if Jack’s not mistaken) then who cares what happens?? Does it really matter if Bin Laden kills 4 million Americans? No, of course not. Dead or alive, you’re going to be taken up with Jesus!! The heathens who aren’t raptured away are going to face 7 years of tribulation, which, if I’ve learned anything from this show, is probably worse than some kooky Saudi making idle threats about killing Americans.

12:00 – Jack explains that he’s God’s instrument whose purpose is to warn us of the impending doom. Jack just admits that he’s been warning people for 50 years, and 50 years have gone by, and, unless I’m mistaken, Jesus didn’t make no visit on a cloud.

13:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s about the Olympics. I’m just going out on a limb here, but I can’t imagine that Jack likes the Olympics (or at least he shouldn’t). Oh wait, he does. Hmmm, it seems to be paralleling the Olympics with life, and that you should live life with integrity and that awards await the faithful. Just like the Olympics, drug users never really win, and I suppose that Christians who don’t live ‘correctly’ will not win in the end either. Of course, God forgives us in the end, so screw ‘em all.

16:29 – More spreading of fear.

25:00 – Jack concludes that there will be a nuclear war because “fire, smoke and brimstone” are mentioned in Revelations and they are the "exact results of a nuclear war." What about the neutrons Jack? What about the neutrons? God surely knew what he used to build his humans, and what would come flying out when you fuse tritium and deuterium. Why wouldn’t the bible say something to the effect of “And neutrons will be spewed forth at a furious rate, and all that heat will burn the hell out of you.”

25:41 – Rexella says, “we can all be winners, if we run the race right”. Well, that’s not true. That’s loser talk. There is only one winner, if everyone won, it wouldn’t be much of a race, now would it?? Second place is the first loser, end of story.

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