Saturday, September 18, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired August 7)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:50 – Uh oh, I sense a joke coming on! Damn! It’s funny. A woman captures 2 burglars so the police come and say unto them, "why didn’t you run away??" Well they said, when the woman came out she yelled, “Repent Acts 2:38!” So they were afraid because they thought she had an axe and two 38s. Rexella then feels the need to point out that Acts 2:38 is from the bible. Thanks Rexella, I didn’t get it until you pointed that out…

2:00 – Jack says that Jesus approves of carrying a gun because Luke 22:36 says, “and he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one.” Oh, but Jack, you should have kept reading, for Luke 22:38 says, “And they said, Lord, here are two swords. And He said, it is enough.” Of course, “they” refers to the 12 disciples, so really, what Jesus is saying is that for every 13 people, 2 swords is enough, so according to Jesus (I’m not making this up, people) it is acceptable to have 2/13 guns. If you’re caught with a gun, unless you can produce 6.5 other people who don’t have one, you’re screwed buddy.

8:22 – Rexella says “God hates race hate”. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.

10:00 – Jack says that AIDS will bring the world to its knees. Well, I guess Jack didn’t read THIS.

12:01 – Jack is spewing some garbage about asteroids hitting the earth and the sun being blocked out, and “the moon shall not give her light” (Matthew 24:29). HA! The moon doesn’t give any light. It’s just reflected from the sun! That means the moon never gave any light to begin with! That’s quite a sign Jack. Plus, the moon will still reflect light after an asteroid hits the earth, we just won’t be able to see it. Moron. Jack then says that he wishes he could get into the whys and wherefores, but he’ll just leave it at that. He wishes he could get into it, but unfortunately they don’t teach anything about physics in “bible prophesy 1A6” (I would have put 1A3, but I imagine there’s enough material for a 6 unit course.)

16:00 – Headlines!! “Why is America still an easy target?” Probably because they’re all so fat.

20:00 – “They” are using microchips to ID people. It’s happening in Mexico! Well, as we all know, Mexico is a hot-bed in terms of the development of new technology. I’m sure it’s just a way for the States to keep them out.

25:00 – Hey, the apostle Paul went to the Olympics! I wonder if Jesus ever went… He’d do well in the swimming events, because of course he could just walk (or run) on the water. And I’m sure he’d score well in Men’s Individual Crucifixion.

“The judge from Jerusalem gives Jesus a 10 for technical merit, and 9.85 for artistic impression. Arms straight, toes pointed!! Well done Jesus!”

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