Tuesday, January 31, 2006

No Point, Just Complaining

The dental hygienist asked me if I wanted x-rays taken.

"Beats me", I said. "Do I need them?"**

Christ, if being a dental hygienist means asking the patient how to do their job, then sign me up. She then proceeded to pick and gouge around at my gums until they were a bloody pulpy mess (or at least that's my perception). And that's another thing I think I could probably do.

She also asked me if I drank coffee and/or tea, which is an indirect way (read 'woman speak') of saying,

"Your teeth are stained by coffee and/or tea."

because I'm sure a trained dental hygienist would know whether teeth are stained or not.

I'm sure she was thinking,

"Yeah, I can tell, I just wanted to see if you'd lie to me."

And speaking of lying, she asked me if I floss, which, I don't. I hate flossing more than I hate my garbage man. Incidently enough, it's another question that she should know the answer to without asking. I'm sure it's in my file anyways, because I say the same thing every time.

"No, I don't floss, not once a week, not once a month, never."

Having said that, I bought floss, because she scared me into thinking that gingevitis was going to rot my mouth and make all my teeth fall out.

Finally, because my last experiment was so successful, I've decided to revisit the Crest Whitestrips. That's right, I just took the 'before' picture and in 14 days I'll have a sparkling new smile that will give me all the confidence in the world! Then, with whiter teeth, I can feel more comfortable lying to the hygienist about what I eat and drink.

** I didn't really say that, but as at tribute to James Frey, I'm going to lie a little bit about my experience with the dentist.

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