Lack of Posting

Well, if you care, I'm not updating much because I'm reading. That's right people, reading. Now, don't get me wrong, I still don't endorse reading as an activity that one should participate in routinely, but, occasionally, there's something that interests me, and, at those times, if I can't find it on tape or find a DVD that basically summarizes it for me, I find myself having to read.

Not only is it fat (1500 pages) but there are a lot of words on each page too.



Anyway, what could I possibly be reading about, you might ask? Well, it's about the JFK Assassination, which, for a reason I don't know, interests me. Now, I'm far from an expert on the subject, but based on the investigations that have been done and all the evidence that exists, anyone who thinks there was a conspiracy is pretty ignorant. Saying that there were multiple shooters is equivalent to saying "The earth is flat." Sure, it looks flat, but there's overwhelming scientific proof that the earth isn't in fact flat. You might even want to argue that the earth is flat, but I wouldn't recommend it. You might look like an idiot.

A Report on Killer Whales.

The name killer whale is a bit of a misnomer. It's kind of misleading, because they're not whales at all, they're actually dolphins. It's widely believed that they were originally called "Whale Killers" because they like to kill whales, but Eskimos tended to be dyslexic, so the words got reversed. White man adopted the name because when the time finally came to clarify it was too late because they'd already killed the Eskimos and taken their land. (Sidenote, the Eskimo name for "white man" is "Killer Eskimo").

Killer whales are also called "Orcas" which is what the Romans called them. It's a little known fact that the Orcas (because they were so fierce) were originally used in the colliseum to fight gladiators, but instead of putting on a good show for the crowd, they just flopped around a bit in the dirt and then suffocated under their own body weight. Not only was it not entertaining, it was a bitch to clean up, as they were heavy.

Now, most people know the Killer Whale from Sea World or Marine Land where they are held captive and forced to perform silly tricks for dead fish. Some people think it's cruel and that the poor whale (or dolphin) should just be left alone. Others might argue that it's our duty as humans to take advantage of animals that aren't as smart as we are and make them jump through hoops to entertain the masses (and to make money). I, myself, try not to think about stuff like this, because if I feel strongly about it either way I might feel obligated to do something, and 'doing something' is harder than 'doing nothing' but I digress.

Killer whales travel in groups called "Pods". Pods take care of each other, like families. Sometimes though, some killer whales think that they're better off on their own, and they leave the pod. The stronger whales survive on their own, and possibly join another pod later in life, others have more trouble and struggle to make ends meet. Sometimes these whales turn to prostitution and porn. See below for a scene from the well known orca porn flick, "Free my Willie, bitch"

In conclusion, Killer Whales are pretty cool, considering the fact that they're really dolphins and sometimes resort to interspecies pornography. Maybe we shouldn't capture them and keep them locked up in a little pen, but then again, maybe we should, who knows, I haven't really thought about it.

Cartoons are Kinda Stupid

I was watching the Road Runner the other day and it kind of bothered me that it didn't make a lot of sense. The coyote (the one on the right in the picture) tried to get the bird (on the left) with catapults about 10 times, and guess what? They didn't work! Then (this is where it got annoying) he bought some ACME steroids and they made his legs HUGE, which, in turn, allowed them to become wheels which allowed him to run real fast. He then chased that bird around and came REALLY close but then one of his previous failed traps (not involving a catapult) sprung on him and smashed him. Now, you'd think that, because he came so close with the steroids, and it was really a fluke that his own damn trap caught him, he'd rethink it and try again - BUT NO! He went back to the damn catapults that didn't come anywhere near as close! What a retard.

The Imperial Buffet

"Confucius say, consolidate rather than expand business projects in the near future. Lucky numbers 1, 10, 12, 29, 38, 45"

Paul say, maybe I should consolidate rather than expand, but Confuscius don't know shit about picking lottery numbers.

Anyway, every time we go to one of those chinese buffets, all I can think about is, "Wow, these people are fat!" Then I think, they probably looked like me, until the they were gripped by the unshakeable claws of all-you-can-eat chicken balls and deep fried wontons. Then I just want to leave before I instantly gain 100 pounds and have fat hanging over my belt. I know the bible says, "Judge not, lest ye be judged" but I can't help it. Just because you can eat 4 plates of General Tao's chicken, doesn't mean you should. Show some restraint people! Also, a plate of fruit isn't really a plate of fruit when you dunk it under the chocolate fountain.

Reality Show Update!

Yes, I'm sure you've all been waiting for my reality show update, so here it is.

Survivor.

I picked Earl, and he won. I rule.

The Amazing Race.

I picked Dustin and Kandice, and they didn't win. They came in second. I was close. I rock.

The Apprentice.

I picked Stefani, and she won. I rule.

American Idol.

I picked Blake, and he lost. He did finish second though. I rock.

America's Next Top Model.

I picked Dionne, and she lost. I don't even know where she finished. It was a while ago. I think the hispanic woman won.

The Pussycat Dolls.

I don't really care who won this, but my picks didn't win. Does it really matter if there is one more skanky woman in that group? I'd say no.

Dancing With The Stars.

I picked the guy from N'Sync, and he lost. He did finish second though, which is pretty good. I rock.

Now there's nothing on tv to watch (at least until the next wave of crappy reality shows starts) so maybe I'll update more.

2 weeks!!

It's been 2 weeks since I updated, and for that, I guess I'm sorry. I bet you thought I'd been attacked by a tiger, but, no, it was this person.

Some people come up to me and say, they say, "Paul, how do you do it? How is it that week after week, you aren't attacked by a tiger?" To them, I typically respond, "It's a secret, but for a price, that secret can be revealed." Once they pay me I tell them that it's really no secret, and that all you have to do is not go near any, or dangle limbs near cages with openings big enough for a tiger's paw. More often than not they're not satisfied with that response and want their money back, but typically by that time I've run off.

Paul's Book Club (not to be confused with Oprah's)

This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Well, it has been a while since I announced my last book club selection, and for that I apologize. I hope nobody went and did something silly like read something.

The next book in my club is "Madame Bovary" by Gustave Flaubert.
Now this book is a little different than some of my other selections. I know absolutely nothing about this book/story (other than the fact that I don't want to read it.) I basically chose this book because "Bovary" sounds like "Ovary" which makes me laugh. Couldn't Gustave Flaubert have come up with a better name than "Bovary"?? Like maybe "Madame Ballopian Tube" or "Madame Blabia". Madame Blabia is a good name, no? Madame Bervix?

Sometimes I think "Maybe I'm missing out on some great works of fiction by not reading these books." Madame Bovary has some "Modern Critical Comments" at the back, that, maybe if I read them, they'd spark some interest in actually reading the book, and maybe, just maybe, I'd enjoy it and learn something. Unfortunately, I'm going to remain true to my book club and not read them. What kind of book club would I be hosting if I went and read stuff?

The next book in my book club is Madame Bovary. Join my club and don't read it.

Playing Cards

I bet if you had a deck of cards with dinosaurs on them you'd think that Tyrannosaurus Rex would be the ace of spades. Well, if you thought that, you'd be wrong.

"Fun" with Movie Plot Key Words

1 English Teacher, Graphic Violence, Rescue
2 Janitor, Television Station, Severed Thumb
3 Entrepreneur, Genocide, Compassion
4 Island, DNA, Eaten Alive
5 Park Bench, Vietnam, Table Tennis
6 Bitterness, Tango, Blind
7 Briefcase, Toilet, Idiot
8 Forbidden love, breasts, iceberg
9 New York City, Hearse, Marshmallow
10 Sex Appeal, Semi-Autobiographical, Music Business.

A Confession

My girlfriend and I watch reality tv. A lot of reality tv. "Why?" you may ask - I'm not sure. Having said that, here's what I think about reality tv right now.

Earl

Earl will win survivor. He seems to be most level-headed one on that show. I like Yau Man too, but he's too old and he'll be screwed later on.

Dustin and Kandice

Dustin and Kandice will win the Amazing Race All Stars. I kind of like Charla and Mirna, but one's a big bitch and the other is a midget, and I think those 2 things combined will cause them grief later on.

Stefani

Stefani will win the Apprentice. She's the most professional one left. The rest of them make me think I should be running my own company somewhere. If you can be a successful business owner and be a retard who can't run PowerPoint, then I think I'm in the wrong profession.

Blake

Blake will win American Idol. He's the only one who is talented and can make a song sound like it was sung in 2007. The 2 super talented black women are about 40 years too late to win I think. I don't think they're singing to the right audience and I don't think they'd sell any albums to anyone who watches that show.

Dionne

Dionne will win America's Next Top Model. She's not a bitch and a white girl won the last time, so it's time for a black model to win.

Anastacia

Melissa R

Anastacia Melissa R will be the next Pussy Cat Doll. This show kind of confuses me though because they have all these women who can sing and dance competing to be in a group where you don't need to do either. Only one Pussy Cat Doll can sing, and the 'dancing' is questionable. The rest just act like strippers. Finally, there are 6 Pussy Cat Dolls, 1 who sings, and the rest just prance around in skimpy outfits. The new one is going to be more famous (and talented) than the existing 5 background singers, which will probably just cause a bunch of infighting within the group. Maybe some hair pulling and girly shoving all the while wearing skin tight shorts and sports bras. Where was I again? Oh yeah, this show rules.

These 2 idiots.

These 2 will win Dancing with the Stars. First of all, he was in a boy band where he danced a lot. Probably unfair to the rest of the chumps on the show because he has some dancing background. AND he has 2 legs, which is a pretty big advantage. I really struggle with watching this show because it's just so bad. It's also funny that his name is Fatone. Ha. Fat One. Justin Timberlake is a huge mega star and the Fat One is dressing like Obi Wan on Dancing with the Stars. Someone should fire their agent.

There you have it. My thoughts on reality tv.

Are you too dumb to breathe?

A few days ago I had the unfortunate opportunity to watch the last 10 minutes of the train wreck that is "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

I don't get it.

I really, really don't get it. For $150 000, the question was, get this, how many months have 31 days? Hmmmmm, that's a tough one. Don't know off the top of your head? Well then count them! Who doesn't know this? She eventually said 7 (which is correct if you know anything about the months of the year). The worst part was the suspense that they tried to produce. It's not suspenseful if you're not a complete moron. Is the answer 7? Well, we'll find out after the break! (audience sighs and contestant gets all nervous). COME ON! It's like saying, "What's 2+2?" Ummm, I think it's 4. Well, we'll find out after the break! Fuck the break, the answer is 4. The $300 000 question was, "What continent is also a country". Her confused response was, "They all are". Of course she took the money so it didn't really matter that not all continents are also countries.

My 2 biggest issues with this are

1) she didn't know that Australia is a country and a continent and
2) she didn't have enough of a grasp of the English language to even understand the question.

If it had been on Saturday Night Live as a sketch it wouldn't have been funny because it's just too dumb.

The fact that this is a tv show that people watch makes me sad. I have to say that
a) giving someone $150 000 for knowing something that a retarded child knows and
b) being entertained by this show

is kind of pathetic. I'm sure they discriminate against smart people which isn't fair. Why shouldn't I get half a million dollars for knowing a very small amount about a country I don't live in? Seriously. I might be living in a bit of a bubble here, but there are some things that people should just know. There should NEVER be ANYONE who is of sound mind who gets the question about the months wrong. There's just no excuse. If you're reading this and you don't have the capability of determining how many months have 31 days, then you should take a good long look at yourself and ask what exactly you're contributing to society.

On a lighter note, I've been blogging for 3 years. 3 years! That's about 2.9 years longer than I thought I'd last. I guess I enjoy it. Thanks for reading.

A Report on Tigers

Inspired by Lisa's report on owls, I decided to report on tigers.



Tigers are cats. Some people say that curiosity killed the cat, but that's not true - it's really poachers. "Poachers killed the cat" isn't really a good saying, nor does it teach us any life lessons so you don't hear it often. The majority of the world's tigers now live in captivity. Many people believe that it's due to the aforementioned poaching and destruction of habitat, but the truth is, tigers are just lazy and would rather have someone else take care of them.

Tigers eat meat. Some animals that tigers like to eat are deer, wild boar, wild cattle, young rhinos and young elephants, and sometimes, even leopards, bears and Roy Horn. Tigers have been known to kill crocodiles on occasion. Of course they don't eat them, they typically just use the feet for ashtrays.

The word "tiger" is borrowed from the Greek word "tigris", which means "big cat not a lion". Greeks only thought there were 2 kinds of big cats. It's reported that when the Greeks found out about leopards they said, "fuck!" The word "leopard" is from the Greek "leopari" which means, "There'd better not be any more big cats". I won't even tell you where the word 'cheetah' comes from.

Some people think that sitting on top of an elephant is an easy way to avoid being attacked by a tiger. It's not. I've never sat on an elephant, and I've never been attacked by a tiger. Other notable people who haven't sat on elephants, and thus haven't ever been attacked by tigers are Wayne Gretzky, Tom Hanks and Heather Mills. Some people think that Heather Mills had her leg chewed off by a tiger, but they're wrong.

To summarize, tigers are cats and the ancient Greeks were pretty ignorant when it came to zoology. Sitting on an elephant is a sure way to be attacked by a tiger so I don't recommend you do it.

A True Story

It was a day like any other. The dam was intact with no indication of a breach. Life carried on as usual - or so it seemed. It started with a little rumbling. Not really even noticeable or even unexpected. It creaked and groaned occasionally, but that was no cause for alarm. It's a complex system with different stresses and strains, you can only expect a little rumble now and again. This rumble though, this rumble was the start of something a little more 'serious'. The exact cause (or root cause if you will) of the event is still not known, but on that fateful day, the dam could hold no more, and what happened next, was inevitable. It started out with a couple bursts of fluid and a whole lot of rumbling. Some of hte pressure was relieved, but there was more to come. Workers, flushed pink little workers tried diligently to stop the flood, but their 'fix' was only temporary. At times they were successful and the situation stabilized, but the next day, the dam would breach again, and the fluid and rumbling would continue.

I think I have the stomach flu.

Dinosaurs in the Bible.

Samara's post from last week got me thinking about dinosaurs in the bible, and, because dinosaurs existed back then (it says so in the bible) I thought I'd do a little research of my own. Inspired by the DaVinci Code, I thought that a good place to start my search would be The Last Supper. Now, where would one look first you may ask? Well, since there are 12 disciples, that would seem to be the obvious starting point. Now, which disciple might be a dinosaur? Well, again, Judas betrayed Jesus, and I imagine dinosaurs would betray people before people would (by "betray" I mean, "kill and eat") so I started there. Now, here's the exciting part. If you zoom in on Judas, this is what you see!



Now, it's a little hard to see, becasue that painting is so old, but, if I'm not mistaken, Judas looks like he might have been a velociraptor. Why would Jesus trust a velociraptor you may ask? Well, Jesus pretty much trusted everyone which might have been his problem. Anyways, there are other clues to this fact as well. See below.


If you look at the angle between Jesus and John (or Mary, but I'm not going to get into that, as neither of them were dinosaurs) it makes the shape of a "v". "V" is for "Velociraptor" and that, my friends, is all the proof I need. Just for kicks, I searched the bible for references to Judas, and astonishingly, this is what I found.

Mark 14:10 says, "Then Judas Iscariot, who was one of the twelve, went to the chief priests in order to betray him to them. " Now, I don't know what "Iscariot" means, but I'm assuming it has something to do with being a dinosaur.

Mark 14:43 says, "And immediately, while he was still speaking, Judas came, one of the twelve, and with him a crowd with swords..." The term 'swords' in this passage is obviously referring to the sickle shaped claw that the velociraptor sported on its feet.

I honestly thought I'd have more trouble proving the dinosaur theory, but, if something's true, then it's true, and uncovering that truth really shouldn't be all that difficult.

All Hail the Jesus Chimp

This story is a little old, so if you haven't read it, here it is.

An immaculately conceived chimp! How exciting! They say that they're going to do some DNA testing to see which of the chimp vasectomies didn't work, but I say, forget all that science crap - it's obvious who the father is. It's God, or, maybe the chimp version of God (which, if true, would mean that there were in fact at least 2 Gods, and I'm pretty sure that the Bible doesn't say anything about that.) I suppose though, that maybe there is a chimp God, and maybe we are wrong about evolution, every animal may have its own God, and we didn't really evolve at all. Or maybe we're just some basic science project from some higher power. Our genetic material is very similar to chimps, so maybe the chimp God just copied the real God, changed a few genes around and then passed it off as his own.

Chimp God - "Shit, is that project due today?"
God - "Ummm, yeah, and it's worth 25% of our total mark. I made something I call 'humans'. See? I built them out of building blocks I call DNA. Pretty cool huh?"

Chimp God is frantically trying to write all this down.

God - "They run around alot, don't really do what you ask them too, and, if left alone, they either steal each others stuff, or kill each other. They're kind of messed up actually. I didn't really work too hard on this project. What did you do?"

Chimp God - "Ummmm, I made something I call "chimps". Yeah, chimps."

God - "They look a lot like humans. You didn't just copy me, did you?"

Chimp God - "Ummm, no, see? Chimps run around aimlessly, play with themselves and throw their feces."

God - "So you did copy me!"

The Jesus chimp's mother is pictured here.

I'll Be Thinking of You, Down in Mexico

It's Oscar time, which means there are a lot of movies to be watched. Why do I have to wait until Oscar nominations to see movies you ask? Well, how else am I supposed to know which movies are good? Or, even more importantly, how else am I supposed to know which movies to like? Base it on my own objective opinions you say? Nah, it's much easier just to have someone else tell me.

Blood Diamond

This movie, more than any other movie ever, has really made me want to quit my job to go to Africa to smuggle diamonds. What a glamourous lifestyle. Guns, money and hot babes - what more can you ask for?

Letters From Iwo Jima

This movie, more than any other movie ever, has really made me want to quit my job to join the army. Shooting guns and digging holes on a warm sunny island somewhere in the south Pacific, with none of the stresses of office work? Sign me up.

Last King of Scotland

This movie, more than any other movie ever, has really made me want to quit my job to become the ruthless, psycho president of some third world country. Money, guns, booze and women, and you get to kill people you don't like? What's not appealing about that?

I may have missed the point on some of these movies, but if I've learned anything, I think it's that I need a new job.

Now, because I haven't updated in so long, I figure that I'll write one of those long blog posts that people look at and think, "Damn, this is too long, I'm not going to read it." I know you think that, because, well, that's what I think when I see a long post. Posts where you have to scroll down to read the whole thing are too long.

I'm going to Mexico next week. I'm going to watch whales. I've always liked whales, which might explain why my favourite book is Moby Dick. Anyways, if all goes as planned, this is what I'll be watching next week. Seriously though, Jessica Alba would be hotter if she'd gain a few pounds. She's looking a little skinny. Eat dammit!

Anyways, I think I'm off until after I get back. Hopefully I'll have many an amusing story about whales, and no amusing stories about explosive diarhhea and food poisoning.

Conjoined Twins.

I was watching a show on the Learning Channel and it was about conjoined twins. Specifically, these twins. Now, I'll be honest, my first response to seeing this was to laugh and think, what a freak! (You did too, don't lie) But really, they're quite remarkable. They each control one arm and one leg, and they do things like sports, piano, and typing on the computer. How can you type with 2 hands when you don't know what the other hand is doing? Even walking would require co-ordinating your steps with someone else who you don't control. It's crazy! They drive as well! Anyways, I just thought it was interesting that there's a 2 headed girl out there. I also thought that it would be interesting if that conjoined twin had a kid (with one head) but didn't let the kid out into the world until they were about 15, so for 15 years the one headed kid would be thinking that they were the different ones. Imagine the look on their face when they see all the other one headed people out there! Classic.

It has been a while

And it'll be a while longer. I was all psyched to write a post, but then I got distracted, and now I'm leaving. I will post later.

Merry Christmas

Worst Song Ever

The Christmas Shoes

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
(maybe if you didn't wait until the last second to buy stuff you'd be in a better mood, dipshit)
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say,
(I could believe it. What do you expect from a dirty looking kid in a store? Do you honestly think he has money? I'd just go to another line, as you know it's going to take a while.

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
Did you ever think that it might make her smile more if you were physically there when she died? Maybe she was so sad that you weren't there that she died of a broken heart...
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.
What the hell?! Why is Daddy letting you run around by yourself? Where is Daddy? His name isn't K-Fed is it? Jesus is probably the name of the pool boy that mom is screwing on the side anyways.
Mom - I want to look good for Jesus tonight!
Kid - Why Mommy, are you sick??
Mom - Ummmm yeah, sick. Sick of your father...
Kid - What?
Mom - Nothing.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
See?? Should have gone to another line.
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
Don't look at me, kid. I'm not a charity.
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.
You should have thought about that before you tried to buy something with no money. Grown ups trade money for goods and/or services, so I suggest you either go ask your father for the money, or maybe get a job.

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
What? What does that teach the kid?
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great.
Unless it's an open casket, it doesn't really matter

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
By using a poor kid and his dying mother to remind you that you shouldn't be an asshole while you're in line buying an ipod and PSP3 that you really don't need? Heaven's love indeed. Why doesn't heaven love the poor kid with the sick mother?
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

And what exactly did it teach you about Christmas? Some poor kid, with no money has a sick and dying mother and you buy him a pair of shoes and then feel good about yourself? What a great story! What about the kid? What does he learn about God's love? God doesn't love poor kids who beg for shoes. He only kills their mothers? Plus, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, which, if I'm not mistaken, isn't mentioned in this song.

The choir of little kids singing at the end is really too much too. Fuck this song sucks.

Light my ass.

Here you have hot chocolate. Mmmmm, so tasty.

What's that you say? "It tastes good, but think of all the calories?! Why can't they make a light hot chocolate?"

Well, fret no more, those crazy scientists did it! That's right, there does indeed exist a light hot chocolate!



Now, how many high-priced chemist-type people do you think it took to come up with a light hot chocolate? (The light one is on the left - WOW HALF the calories!)



President - How will we ever reduce the calories by half?! It can't be done! It just can't be done!

VP - Why don't they just put half as much powder in each pouch?

President - That's just crazy enough to work!

Fuck off President's Choice. It's just half the amount of regular hot chocolate (with less sugar, which I'm sure will make it taste like crap).

Huh?

New chewable birth control pill aims to combat preteen pregnancy.

Like they can't swallow.

Christmas at Walmart

OJ Simpson - "If I Did It"

Or, the alternate titles, "How I Killed Your Mom", or, "I'm a Big Selfish Asshole Who Got Away With Murder".

This to me is the most abhorrent thing for someone to do (even worse than K-Fed blackmailing Britney with a sex tape). If I'd written the book, it would be in poor taste, but the guy who everyone thinks did it anyways, and whose own children's mother is the victim who he is going to describe murdering makes it so much worse. Having said that, if I were going to write an account of "If I'd Murdered Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman" it'd go a lttle something like this -

Paul (on the phone) - "Hello, is there an OJ Simpson there please?"
OJ - "Yes, this is OJ"
Paul - "Hey OJ, if I give you 50 bucks, will you murder your ex-wife and her friend?"
OJ - "Yeah, sure. I was thinking about doing it anyways."
Paul - "Cool, thanks."

I'm not sure there's enough there for an entire book though, but I think I could expand it a little and maybe throw in some pictures.

Britney Spears Sex Video

Apparently Britney and K-Fed made a sex tape and now he's blackmailing her with it. He's such a kind and caring parent. (Question: Who has custody of his kids from his previous relationship? Answer: Some poor woman who isn't Britney Spears.)



K-Fed - "Hey Britney, you work that mic nice, want to make a sex tape?"
Brit - "Let me get this straight, you're asking me, Britney Spears, a super celebrity with legions of young fans, who is constantly scrutinized by the media to have sex with you and tape it?"
K-Fed - "That's right baby"
Brit - "Ok, sure."
K-Fed - "Alright, on the floor, and move it real fast.
I want to see your kitty and a little bit of titty."
Brit - "Oh K-Fed, you're such a poet!"
K-Fed - "Hey, you're right, give me a sec to write that down."

Public Service Announcement

Old News

Let's just call this post, "Old News". What's old news you ask? Well, did you hear that Britney Spears has filed for divorce? If you're sitting there thinking to yourself, "Hmmm, I really hadn't heard that", then you're a dirty filthy liar. I was going to then ask a question about some other potentially relevant global issue that nobody knows much about, but I don't know of any. I've been too busy watching America's Next Top Model to keep up to date on stuff that isn't really important. Maybe if parliament had amusing contests were wannabe models dressed up in skimpy swimsuits and the UN gave away $1000000 for 'surviving' in some third world country I'd be more interested.

Person 1 - "Did you hear that they passed a new law that states ... (by now I've stopped listening)"
Me - "Does it affect my ability to watch brainless crap on tv??"
Person 1 - "No"
Me - "Can you believe that they kicked the Indian girl off? That's crazy!"

Where was I?? Oh yeah, Britney Spears is getting divorced. Speaking of kicking unwanted crap to the curb, does anyone know how to get the stink out of a counter-top composter? Mine stinks.

Noel Gallagher Unplugged

In Toronto, on Tuesday November 7, and I'd kill to go, but, since I'm not willing to pay $1000 on eBay for tickets, I'm stuck listening to it on the radio. It's pretty cool that they're broadcasting it. 9 EST if anyone cares.

Huh?

I've noticed on some people's blogs a link to a site where you can buy 'stuff' that, I suppose, is somewhat related to their blog. A good example is this one. Now, I have a problem with this for a couple of reasons. The first is, why does this individual think that I (or anyone else) should have to (or wants to) pay their hard earned money for a shirt, or coaster, or any other piece of, well, crap that has their name/picture on it. I mean, I'm not going to spend money on a piece of crap that has Jessica Alba or Kate Beckinsale on it, and they're famous and recognizable. My second (lesser) problem is that someone has enough disposable income to buy this stuff. There must be a market for it, else it wouldn't exist. Now, granted, nobody is forcing anyone to buy it, but, just offering it seems a bit self-important, does it not?

Having said all that, if anyone wants to wear a shirt with my blog title spewed across it, not only will I create this shirt, I'll mail it to you. For the low, low cost of sending me a picture of you wearing it.

My shirt would look like this -



Of course, I don't really expect anyone to want this shirt, nor would I expect anyone to pay for it, as, it's a crappy shirt with a blog title on it that nobody reads. I imagine it would cost about $20 each to make and ship them, so I hope nobody wants them.

Happy "Dress Like a Hooker" day!

Person 1 - "Hey there, nice bear costume."
Woman wearing lion costume - "It's not a bear!"
Person 1 - "Oh, sorry, nice hooker costume"



Person 1 - "Let me guess, you're dressed up like a hooker?"
Woman in mountie costume - "No, I'm a Canadian Mountie"
Person 1 - "What a coincidence, I'm a Canadian Mounter"
Woman in mountie costume - "Huh?"
Person 1 - "Nevermind, here, have another drink."



Person 1 - "What are you supposed to be?"
Woman in cat costume - "Can't you tell?"
Person 1 - "Well, judging by the rainbow coloured stripes, the leggings, and the short skirt, I'd say you were a stripper. Or a hooker, it could go either way."

Did you ever wonder

What happens when you stand behind a horse you're branding?

Tooth Fairy (spoiler alert!!)

I was reading Cindy's blog post about the tooth fairy and I recall that I had to get some teeth pulled when I was a kid. That very night I saw a $2 bill on the kitchen table before I went to bed, which seemed odd. So, I wrote the serial number down on a piece of paper, and then, the next morning I checked the serial number on the $2 bill that magically found its way under my pillow with the number on the piece of paper and lo-and-behold, they matched, thus proving that the tooth fairy doesn't exist! I was smart enough to know that no two bills had the same serial number, yet too dumb to know that there isn't some magical 'fairy' who gives kids money for teeth.

Paul's Book Club (not to be confused with Oprah's)

This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Well, it's been a while since my last book club selection (see sidebar), so I hope nobody did anything dumb and read Dances with Wolves.

The next book in my club is "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" by Lynne Truss.



This book is all about punctuation and how a simple comma can change the meaning of a sentence. For example, "Eats, shoots and leaves" means someone eats, then shoots someone and then leaves, which might be a good book (nah, I still wouldn't read it). "Eats shoots and leaves" is what pandas do, and quite frankly, I don't really care what pandas do (unless it's an amusing trick for my own personal amusement).

People, in general, I find, can't spell or use the correct punctuation, and they still get by, and probably make more money than I do, so picking apart someone's poor grammar is futile and frustrating. I'd rather not know that some idiot lawyer, or doctor doesn't know when to use an apostrophe or when to use it's or its. I don't know when to use a semicolon, and dammit, I don't care. I say, just use a damn period. People will know what you mean.

Anyways, join my club, don't read this book.

Thanksgiving.

Hmmm, what did I do you ask? Well, not much. I did however, make the second annual trek to pay tribute to the Jesus rock. It's still there, and it still looks nothing like Jesus (or at least nothing like how I think Jesus would look (ie. not covered in moss)). He's kind of a Chia Jesus. Just slap the chia seeds on Chia Jesus and watch the miracle that is life. All praise Chia Jesus!

I guess that's it. I will promise to update more, I've just been busy, yeah, busy. Busy being thankful for things, things like the Jesus rock, and play off baseball, and other crap that I won't bore you with.

Listen....

Do you hear that?

I think that's the sound of a blog dying.

No, wait, it's that Nickelback cd I bought.

Nevermind.

Discrimination!!

Well, it seems that 2 girls in Winnipeg who wanted to play on the boys' hockey team have won their human rights complaint and are now eligible, I suppose, to at least try out for the boys team.

Now, this is interesting, because, if preventing women from playing on a men's team is discrimintation based on sex, then preventing men from playing on the women's team would be as well. (That reminds me of that episode of "Diff'rent Strokes" when Willis was one of the contestants for the prom queen because he claimed it was discriminatory, and of course he won because all the men voted for him, while the women's votes were split 3 ways!! Damn, that show was ahead of its time.) Anyways, they claim that the women's team was terrible so they didn't want to play with them, but now, it seems that they've opened the door for boys who don't make the mens team to try out for the women's team. And, because they can't discriminate based on sex, the boys are likely better than the girls (IF THE STORY IS CORRECT AND SOME OF THE GIRLS CAN'T EVEN SKATE) and the girls team may be filled with boys. That will basically ruin the program, and no women hockey players will develop at all. Isn't that kind of counter productive in terms of women's hockey? I imagine that not many boys would want to play on a women's team, but who knows? Maybe they should do it just to make a point. Seems to me that they're moving towards just having teams and allowing everyone to sign-up, which is fine, unless you want to develop woman hockey players.

It would really be funny if the 2 girls who started all this didn't make the "men's" team OR the "woman's" team because they just weren't good enough. Some people....always wanting more.

Special Features 4

Well, it's time for another sneak peek at some of the special features that you'll get when you join my exclusive blog club.

You'll get behind the scenes footage of me actually writing blog posts. (In front of a live studio audience no less!)



It does a lot for your self esteem, unless they follow you to the driving range/batting cages.



Those jerks.

And, you'll see me attempt to beat the world record for solving the rubik's cube blind-folded.



All this extra material totally justifies the price. Don't delay, join today!

I am a Winner.

I'm not sure why I don't want to post my last name, maybe it's to prevent the stalkers and identity theives from finding me. ANYWAYS, I actually won a photo contest. I'm pretty proud of it if I may say so myself. I might actually have thought of a title if I'd thought I'd win. Something like "Tree" or "Field" or "Tree in Field", something meaningful like that.

Week in Review

Blah blah blah Steve Irwin. Blah blah blah Natascha Kampusch. Blah blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah September 11. Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah Maria Sharapova? Yes. Blah blah blah!

Rubik's Cube Blindfolded.

Check this out. It hurts my brain to think that someone can do this. Unless, of course, he's cheating.

Drive home from Cottage

Just in case you were wondering what it's like to drive home from the cottage for multiple hours, here it is.



I wish it took longer...

Watch this

This guy is funny.

I'm sorry I haven't updated much (not sorry enough to update though! Ha!)

Anyways, sometimes I think of something to write, but then I never really sit down to do it, so it just sits in my head as an idea. Plus, Big Brother 7 is on 3 nights a week, so that really eats into my free time.

$5700? Now try listening

I rarely buy lottery tickets. Basically, I think it's a waste of money. As Dave Letterman put it once, "You have about the same odds of winning whether you buy a ticket or not." (ie. zero). Anyways, when the prize gets 'big' (>$30 million) then, sometimes, if I think of it, I'll buy a few tickets, just in case.

My girlfriend mentioned it last weekend -

GF - "We should buy lottery tickets because the jackpot is $42 million."
Me - "Ummm, sure. I have an idea, instead of buying tickets, why don't you give me the $20 you'd spend on the tickets, then when you don't win, I'll give it back, and it'll be like you won $20!!"
GF - "Shut up"

Anyways, we were on our way home on the day of the draw and she said, "Oh, we should get lottery tickets!" so we stopped.

Whenever I've purchased tickets in the past, I've always picked the same numbers (quick pick is for chumps). 10 21 23 25 33 44.

What numbers came up you ask??

Well,

10

21

23

33

44

and





03

Damn you Vincent Damphousse. If only you'd worn number 03 in Montreal instead of 25 I'd be RICH. RICH!!!

I kind of feel bad for people who have spent tons of money over the years and never won anything, but that doesn't last too long before the thoughts of "what can I blow this money on?" take over.

It's for our own good!

I think this is overkill though.

U.S. authorities banned the carrying of liquids onto flights after the arrest of 24 people in an alleged plot to blow up U.S.-bound planes using explosives disguised as drinks and other common products.

Note to self - design a bomb made from bras and t-shirts.

Mock Boar if Vacant...

On an unrelated note, it's hot here (by 'here' I mean Canada.) It's hot in Canada this week. I don't have air conditioning either, I just have 2 fans. 2 damn useless fans that don't really help much when it's so goddamn hot. It sucks when it's hot in Canada, the hockey rinks all melt and the igloos start to fall apart, and the polar bears migrate into the cities looking for shady places to rest. Screw you global warming.

Here's a vacation riddle. What's more disgusting than a huge giant spider that's the size of your hand? Give up? A huge giant spider the size of your hand with a bunch of babies!!!



Yech.

I also read a book. That's right, all that time away from tv and the internet forced me to read. It gave me a raging headache, but I read The DaVinci Code. I was going to include it as a book club book, except that I violated the first rule of my book club, which is of course, to not read the book. Anyways, it was ok I guess. I think it's only common sense to think that Jesus would have carnal knowledge of the ladies.

Hot babe - I'm so thirsty!
Jesus - Here, have some water.
Hot babe - Thanks. (drinks the water)
Jesus - Psyche! I just changed it to wine! Here, this is really water.
Hot babe drinks the water.
Jesus - Ha! Got you again!! That was wine too....you drunk yet?

After finishing it, I thought that my blog would be better if I incorporated some code to give it that air of mystery, but that would probably take too much effort, so I imagine that idea will be scrapped.

TENACIOUSLY, NOAH VOICED, "YUKON!"

I'm going away

That's right, no new posts for over a week! That's not really much different than usual lately, so maybe you wouldn't even have known that I was gone. Regardless, I've saved you all from coming here until next Monday.

Have you ever gotten to a point in your blog where you think that more people should read it than actually do? But you don't really know how to get more traffic, and you're too lazy to figure it out? And then you see some really shitty blogs with lots and lots of traffic but minimal content? And then you think that maybe you should be spending your time in a more constructive manner? I'm pretty sure I'm at that point. I'm not going to quit though, I was just curious.

It's time I updated

I was at the grocery store today and I came up with an idea that I'm sure everyone else has had at some point. Cart pushing should follow the same rules as driving a car. Here are the main ones.

3. Stay to the right
2. Signal your turns.
1. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

Simple rules, yet, apparently, not so simple to follow.

What the.....

THIS IS NOT HALF!! This is a new low with respect to shitty sub cutting. Just when you think the cut could not be worse, this is what you get. Never underestimate a grumpy unmotivated teenager's ability to cut a sub in two equal halves.

Special Features 3!!!

Well, it's time for another sneak peek at some of the special features that you'll get when you join my exclusive blog club.

Here's a scene of me writing my soccer post.




Another common special feature on DVDs is the story board. Yeah, let's see some crappy drawings of some movie scenes, that'd be interesting. Having said that, I see the value, and here's a story board for a blog post.




Trust me, special features are well worth the extra money. Don't delay, join today!

Happy Canada Day.

I think it's time that time went to the metric system. Distance is measured in meters, and other distances in multiples and submultiples of 10 (centimeters and kilometers). Temperature is as well. Water boils at 100 degrees Celcius and freezes at 0, and you have 100 degrees in between. Volume is the same. You have litres, millitres etc. Time, on the other hand, has weird units, like hours and minutes. How many hours in a day? If you were thinking metric, you'd expect a muliple, (or submultiple) of 10, but you'd be wrong. There are 24 hours in a day, and minutes and seconds are equally messed up. So, what I'm proposing, (just to keep everyone on their toes) is to introduce a new unit of time (equal to 24 hours) called the "Day". Minutes and seconds become obsolete, and you get millidays and centidays, kilodays etc.

How would this change life, you may ask? Well, instead of tv shows starting at 4:30, for example, they'd start at 0.6875 (because 4:30 is 16.5 hours into a day, I simply divided 16.5/24 to convert to metric.) You could still say, "4:30", and most people would know what you were talking about, but they'd shake their heads at your inability to let go of the past an embrace the future. The only problem with this (that I can think of) would be that, say, the United States refused to use metric time, and everyone else converted. Then figuring out what time Friends is on would require a calculator.

Update on New Years Resolutions

Fake Story about Made Up Kids IV

"Dad", said the boy, "Why is the sky blue?"

"Well", I said, "It has something to do with diffraction of light, or was it refraction of light? And the blue light isn't scattered as much as the rest of the spectrum, or is it scattered more? Don't ask me", I said, "I don't have a degree in physics!"

"Yes you do", said the boy.

"Oh yeah, I do", I said, "I do..."

Why I don't like Soccer

It's boring. A ridiculously one sided soccer match ends up with a score of 1-0. That's one goal, and a lot of kicking a ball around for 90+ minutes.

Soccer players run around on grass with shin guards on, then when they fall, they roll around for a while like they've been shot. Anyone who has ever fallen on grass (ie. everyone) will tell you that it doesn't hurt. Getting kicked in the shin when you're wearing shin guards? Doesn't hurt. Goalies dive around on the grass and take balls off the face (hee hee) and they don't roll around in agony. What's the difference? There isn't any, thus proving that soccer players are pansies. Plus, these are elite athletes we're talking about. Maybe if it were a field full of senior citizens I could accept people getting hurt when they fall down.

Soccer fans are obnoxious. I'm not really sure I can add anything to that.

I think there are more reasons, but I can't think of them, and I'm tired. I'm sorry my blog has sucked recently, but there has been a lot of soccer to watch, and watching soccer just drains me because it's so dumb.

Photo Contest

There is a photo contest to take pictures of wildlife in and around the location where I work. I thought I'd participate, and I've taken a few pictures. I'm not sure they're contest winners, but I still have a few weeks (just maybe not the patience). Anyways, I was looking for some opinions in the minipoll. (Click photos to enlarge)





Maybe I'll go back to take some more...

Please, just cut my hair...

When you're as attractive as I am, you have to spend a little more time grooming than others (read "ugly people"). Anyways, when I was at First Choice (getting a $10 haircut) the hairdresser was distracted because people were parking beside her car, so she kept checking the lot (I checked the lot on the way out and there was no car there worth worrying about). She was clearly distracted, which made me a little nervous. I'm nervous in general at the hairdressers (because you get what you pay for, and I only pay about $10) so the added stress of the First Choice hairdresser being distracted made it even worse. AND, speaking of distracting, I don't like chatting with the hairdresser. I want a haircut, not small talk about the weather. "Yes, it's hot outside, now please just cut my hair", "Yes, I work around here, just keep cutting please." Why fill a perfectly good silent 15 minutes with mindless blabber?

Poker

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 8586190

Flea Market

Last year (or maybe it was longer ago than that) I was at the local flea market - not really to buy anything of course, just to hang with the commoners. It helps keep me grounded. Anyways, I bought socks. That's right, 12 pairs for $11.99 - you really can't beat that, UNLESS you bargain the guy down to $10.99 by threatening to go to that other guy (who looks suspiciously like the guy you're talking to) to buy it from him. I'm quite the shrewd businessman, I don't pay more than 92 cents for a pair of socks. The point was, I've washed those socks at least 25 times and they still leave a load of fluff on my feet when I take them off. Where the hell does it come from? You'd think that there'd come a time when all the fluff that was going to come off has come off, and you'd think that it would only take a few washes to reach that point. Well, if you're one who'd think that, then you'd be wrong.

A riddle

What is the difference between the self-serve checkout machine at the grocery store and an actual cashier?

The machine has more personality. (Get it?? Because the teenagers who work there are so miserable??)

Then, the people behind me in line wouldn't put anything on the conveyor until the divider was down. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT??? It seriously bugs me. I know what I chose, and I'm not going to let the cashier scan stuff that isn't mine. PUT THE DAMN GROCERIES ON THE CONVEYOR WITHOUT THE DIVIDER!

Capote (not pronounced "capoat")

This is me with my new movie.



I liked it so much I bought (and read) the book!



This is me reading the book!




Read it!

Holy Crap.

Has it been a week already? I bet you're all thinking, "He must have been planning quite the post." Well, if you were thinking that, you'd be wrong.

Anyways, first it was this honour and now this.

I consider myself more dashing than beautiful, but I'll take what I can get.

Since I'm running and swimming and biking so much, I probably won't update again for another week. Who would have thought that a triathlon would be so much work?

The Bearded Series

The Bearded Pig - smallest torso and largest head of all pigs.



I now bring you "The Bearded Singer" - smallest torso and largest head of all singers.



and "The Bearded Actress" - smallest torso and largest head of all actresses.



I'm not saying they have beards, just that their heads are really friggin' big.

Special Features 2

Well, it's time for another sneak peek at some of the special features that you'll get when you join my exclusive blog club.

For example, did you know I interviewed Jack Van Impe? Here's a preview!




Also, witness the exact moment that my book club (see sidebar) was born!




And finally, watch me actually write blog posts!




Don't delay, join now!

3 things

I went to see Elbow at the Opera House last night. Damn, they were awesome. If Elbow is ever in town, I recommend that you go. Trust me.

I got an oil change etc. and I hadn't been since July (because, really, how often do you really NEED to change your oil? I'd say if they're telling you 3 months or 5000km, it's really at least twice that, AT LEAST.) Anyways, I couldn't admit to the guy that I hadn't changed the oil in 9 months, yet I don't have a problem telling the dental hygienist that I don't floss. What's up with that?

Finally, I joined the Running Room's Triathlon clinic. That's right, knock another one of those New Year's resolutions off the list (last year's list). Next stop, Iron Man.

Update!!

The problem is that I have nothing to write. I'm having, how you say, a lapse in creativity. Is it possible that after 2 years I have nothing more to contribute to the blogging world? I don't want to bore you with the menial details of my day, as that's not why I blog. Anyways, I feel 'bad' when I don't update for a long time because I'd hate to lose one of the 10 people who read this, but, what can you do? Maybe I'll start writing poetry.

when I consider the children
starving in africa
it makes me happy
because i'm not them.

Now, I'll tell you why this poem is great.
1) I didn't feel the need for capitalization or punctuation
2) I didn't feel the need to make it rhyme
3) It really makes you think.

That's a quick lesson in poetry for you. It's like taking a picture in black and white. It's a quick and easy way to disguise crap to make it look something other than crap.

It has been 2 years.

I forgot my blog's birthday/anniversary. It was last week. Now it's not talking to me and it's not being funny anymore. Stupid blog.

People are Cruel.

Whether it's seals or bulls or sharks or chickens or cows, I think the main point is, "People are cruel". I guess that's the problem with being so evolved as a species, some of us use it to take advantage of the weaker species for our own benefit while some use it to feel sorry for those of whom the cruel ones take advantage.

The world is way too fucked up to worry about the seals. Let's worry about people killing people first, then let's worry about the cute animals. Then, when that's all done, we'll move on to the ugly animals, THEN, if there's time, we'll stop killing the insects too. THEN, when that's all done, we'll stop walking around for fear of killing an ant and we'll stop breathing for fear of stealing the air from some other living thing that is just as deserving. Then, when we're all dead, the circle will start over and cruelest species will dominate once again until, of course, they start feeling bad about it.

New? I don't think so...

Since when did taking something out of something make it 'new'?



They just took the damn bacon out! Plus, since when were 2 free downloads a selling point? I get all the free downloads I want, and I don't have to buy "Pep-and-Baconless" Pizza Pops (but I do anyways).

Here's another "new" product that just seems to be new packaging.



They say it's EXTREME but it basically tastes like any other Excel gum. I did notice that what they are probably trying to pass off as electricity (it is called VOLTAGE afterall) looks a bit like sperm. Now there's an idea for a new product - Sperm gum!

Sugar Free Excel Ejaculate - For that right after a blow job feeling.

I have a few more ideas for 'new' products too. This is basically "Coke" but, taking a page from the Pillsbury book of new products, I've taken out the syrup and sugar. I call this, "New Coke Light".

And I think this is a real winner as well. Man, I'm just full of winning ideas.

Push the Fart Button, I Dare You...

Inspired by Corinna, I wrote my own quiz. No pushing, there's plenty of quiz for everyone.

Take that look from off your face.

How do you stand up for 2 hours, listen to loud noise that may or may not sound like you think it should, surround yourself with drunken idiots, pay $80 for it, AND, here's the kicker, not feel ripped off?



Oasis is awesome.

(photo courtesy of my sister)

A Day in the Life - Now with Special Features.

Well, because DVDs have bonus materials and special features that just serve to add another DVD and jack up the price, I figured that I should do the same thing with my blog.

If you become a member of my exclusive blog club, you'll be privy to such things as

Bloopers like this


Video Sharing at DropShots.com.

Audio commentary on posts (you can play it while reading any post).

Behind the scenes specials on the making of "A Day in the Life"

From my North Country post.


Video Sharing at DropShots.com

and


Video Sharing at DropShots.com

Trust me, it's worth it. If you join, you'll get hours of extra features and bonus materials. Don't be a chump, join today!

Update on updates

Sometimes I feel bad when I don't update for a while, but then I think that nobody really cares anyways, so that helps. I've been too busy watching the Tim Horton's Brier. For those of you who know what that is, shut up. I like it.