Join Millions Around the Globe! This is Jack Van Impe Presents! (aired December 24)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:32 – Rexella talks about humorous prayers from children that she found on the internet.

Dear God, I read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday school they say that You did. I bet he stole your idea.

Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love everyone in the world, I only have 4 people in my family and I could never do it.

Dear God, if we come back as someone, please don’t let it be Jennifer Horton, I hate her.

Oh how Jack and Rexella laugh and laugh but there’s really nothing funny about kids so filled with hate that they can’t love their families. Nah, I’m kidding, there is a lot funny about that. Those letters are probably made up anyways. I heard a story once that there is stuff on the internet that isn't true.

10:00 – Lots of signs! Basically, they’re the same signs as before. AIDS, hurricanes, avian flu. This one is new though, “More Women charged in sex cases”. A female teacher was charged after having a sex party with some students. Jack says, “It’s getting bad when you have women becoming pedophiles, molesting little boys.” Huh? Getting bad? It’s bad when anyone molests kids, Jack. The truly tragic thing about that story is that it didn't happen at my highschool.

12:45 – People are downloading porn on cell phones and ipods! Jack says, “whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Only if you're married Jack, only if you're married.

13:15 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Oh. My. God. Just when you thought Jack’s electronic bible couldn’t get any better, they’ve gone and done it. No, they didn’t add a calculator, they added an entire prophesy bible! I bet you could download porn on it if you tried.

14:00 - 28:00 - A lot of crap that I don't care to write about. Something about Heidi Fleiss and the diminishing quality of Christian books.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this- “God’s forgiveness always comes with a second chance.” This fits nicely in with my plan to pray for forgiveness on my death bed. Why prevent myself from having fun now when I can just beg for forgiveness later?

Update on New Years Resolutions.

I made New Years Resolutions last year.

While most of them were stupid, I did actually want to do numbers 2, 3 and 8. How did I do you ask? Well, I failed miserably in all of them.

I didn't take piano lessons, nor did I even look into it. I think the biggest barrier to that was that I think it will be hard. Damn, now that I'm thinking about it again the interest has been renewed. Dammit. I guess that'll be a resolution for next year too.

I don't have a six-pack. While I'm not unhappy with my abs, the definition just isn't there (yet). I think the biggest barrier to that was that it's hard. In order to have abs that pop out you need no fat, and well, I'm nowhere near disciplined enough to eat properly. Maybe I need a nutritionist....

I didn't do a triathlon. I can run for hours but I can't swim for 3 minutes. I guess I still want to do it, but I'll need some some coaching.

To sum up, New Years Resolutions suck, and nobody should make them because now I feel like a loser for failing so I'm going to go binge on leftover Christmas cookies and greasy food. Who am I kidding, I was going to go do that anyways.

Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas

Well, it's almost Christmas and I'm done my shopping and I've wrapped all my presents! No, wait, that should say, I'm not done my shopping, nor have I wrapped all my presents. Sorry.

Anyways, to help get into that Christmas spirit, watch my new Christmas movie.

My Christmas movie.

If that doesn't work, you can see how far you can catapult Santa. Click the mouse to start moving, then click and hold the mouse to prepare for flight. I like the festive Christmas yodelling the best I think. Nothing says Christmas like yodelling.

I got 350.4. Beat it, I dare you. Triple dog dare even.

KING KONG (No Spoilers, although everyone knows what happens at the end)

How can a movie that has dinosaurs fighting a giant ape while an attractive woman prances around in rags be hard to sit through? Ask Peter Jackson and hopefully he'll answer you in under 3 hours.



Here's an example of a bad scene where the woman breaks up with Kong:



Girl - "Kong, we're just from 2 different worlds. I'm from the real world and you're from that crazy world with the dinosaurs and such."

Kong - "Yeah, you're right, but the sex sure was good."

Girl - "Yeah, I'm a little sore though..."

Kong - "You should have said something! Just because I'm a giant ape doesn't mean we can't communicate!"

Girl - "Well, it kinda does... Plus, you're not a real King either. Instead of being a Queen, I'd just be that weird chick with the giant ape. Where's the glamour??"

Kong - "Can I eat you yet?"

Girl - "No Kong, not yet."

(I may have made up that last part, but my ass was so sore from sitting on those damn seats for 3.5 hours (including previews etc.) that I may not have been paying too close attention at the end.)

Beware the Giant Cat.

After finding this site through Fatrobot and then reading this article, I realized that there may be a rather large cat lurking around my place as well.

I set up my motion activated camera and I waited. I waited and waited until this picture was taken:



It's HUGE. If you assume that the paper shredder is about 16 inches high, some people might come to the conclusion that the cat is about 4 feet tall!

Next comes the mysterious hair that I found. I had the lab run an analysis and the results came back indicating that it was from a cat of some sort. A mysterious monster cat had not yet been ruled out.

Now to figure out where this giant mystery cat came from. After I remembered that I had a cat, it all became clear.

My small, normal sized cat was attracting a larger, massive mysterious cat(s) to my house.

Further investigation is warranted. I'll keep you posted.

I guess they cover fractions in grade 11

Since when is this half? Cut in half?? How does this help people (people like me) who only eat half of their sub at a time? Damn you Subway for hiring highshool dropouts!! I want equal portions at two different times, so when you cut it like this it really pisses me off. They should have a jig or something that cuts the sub exactly in half (or maybe they could hire people who aren't morons).

They also don't evenly distribute the pickles and green pepper, but that's another topic entirely.

Hidden Video of Binsk

Well, because she asked so nicely, I used the same technique as my last post to take a hidden video of Binsk. Canadians all look like stick people when you take hidden videos.

Why I hate garbage men people.

They have a job that consists of riding around on (or driving) a truck, picking up garbage, and, well, I guess that's it. Why can't they put my empty garbage can back upright with the lid on, or at least with the lid somewhere near the can, which, preferrably would be somewhere near my house?

I took a hidden video of it. (Garbage men, or refuse engineers, in Canada are all stick people.)

A few weeks ago the lid was gone entirely, and then last week the can ended up on the other side of the street. THEN, yesterday, they didn't even take the garbage at all! Maybe it was because it was raining and the can filled up with water because there was no FUCKING LID because THEY LOST IT. (I guess someone else could have taken it, but I prefer to blame the garbage people).

I had to go buy a new damn garbage can so some poor uneducated schmuck will do his (or her) damn job. It's not enough that my tax dollars pay their salary, but now I have to spend another $10?

My life is so tough.

I got have nothing.

I guess it's American Thanksgiving this weekend. We Canadians get screwed on our Thanksgiving as we only have a 3 day weekend. I guess we don't have as much to be thankful for. :(

All You Can Eat

The Applebee's next to my house has "All you can eat riblets" for $9.99. That's a lot for 2 riblets, isn't it? That's pretty smart of Applebee's though because you can't eat when you're in the washroom with explosive diarrhea.

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Oct 29)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella comments that people name their children after rock stars and famous people. She says it’s been happening since biblical times though. Hey, I think she’s right. I once heard of a guy named John.

4:00 – Jack is amazed by science. The most distant cosmic explosion 12.8 billion light years from earth. That’s 77 sextillion miles!! Jack says this happened at the edge of the universe, where only a few miles further is where God lives. Jack is excited because he loves math, and I suppose he loves applying it. (Even if his math is wrong). I also love the fact that he uses this amazing science to prove his kooky theories about the rapture, but when that very same science tells you that you can’t warp through space ‘in the twinkling of an eye’ he doesn’t want to listen.

13:35 – Jack says that Osama Bin Laden has smuggled 48 suitcases containing nuclear material into the United States! Apparently, according to Jack’s contacts, they’re going to set off these suitcases at the same time in 7 different cities. He wanted them all in the same city, but he flew them in and that’s just where they ended up.

16:21 – Hey, they’re begging for money now. As much as I enjoy this show, I think I’d rather keep my money thanks. It’s a little embarrassing actually. He really is begging. Galatians 6 v 6 says “let him that is taught in Gods word communicate. Support him that teaches”
Translation: If you don’t send Jack some money, you’re going to Hell, and so is your dog and everyone you love.

19:25 – Testimonials! Wow, they have a bunch of morons endorsing Jack and Rexella. I’d kill to have a testimonial on that show. “Jack Van Impe has taught me about the bible. He has also taught me to hate Jews and gays, and well, any number of other heathens. While I’m hating, I’m not having any premarital sex, and well, that only makes the hating easier. Thank you Jack and Rexella, thank you.”

Now they’re concentrating on the late night crowd. Jack says, he wants to reach these “people who want to drown their sorrows in a bottle of liquor or overdose of drugs” Jack wants to give them Jesus! He could reach even more 'undesireables' if he advertised on porn sites! He's just not thinking hard enough.

27:00 – Rexella says that they have signed on with 27 of largest 31 cities in North America. I’ve never wished I was in Saskatchewan more than I do right now.

I'm so very sorry.

I've been so busy for the past few days I haven't even had time to not read Dances With Wolves. Don't you hate it when someone isn't prepared for their book club meetings? I personally wouldn't know, because I'm not in a book club (that's why I'm asking you), but I imagine someone just sitting there not contributing because they couldn't manage their time well enough to read a damn book would be annoying.

Paul's Book Club. (Not to be confused with Oprah's)

This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

The next book in my book club is Dances with Wolves.



It's a novel by some guy you've never heard of, and, if you pay close attention to the Hollywood scene, you might know that they made a movie out of it. Hey, look at that, it's right on the front of the book!



Now, the fact that they tell you right on the front that this book has become a movie is probably supposed to say, "Read me because I'm so good that they made a movie out of me." To me it says, "Whoa there big guy, what are you doing reading when you could go on down to Blockbuster and be through with me in 3 hours?"

If that's not enough reason to put it down and go to the video store, read this little note.



Well, that's all well and good, but what about the book!?? What about the book!??

Anyways, the next book in my club is "Dances with Wolves". Join my club, don't read it. While you're at it, don't watch the movie either (they shoot the wolf at the end. Or do they shoot AT the wolf? I don't remember).

Lest We Forget.

Because it's Remembrance Day (in Canada anyways) I thought I'd put up some pictures of my Vimy Ridge visit.





I'll spare you the lecture, but we do take a lot for granted, and it's always good to think about those who risked and lost their lives doing things we thank God we don't have to do.

Photoblogging IV

This picture is every bit as good as the others in this series. For those of you who don't know anything about photography, the true artist doesn't feel the need to center things in his pictures. You'll also notice that I included the flash in the picture. It represents life. You see, I was taking a picture of some fossils, so I felt that the contrast of living and dead, and light vs. dark captured in a photograph would make for a really powerful image. As usual, I was right. Please don't copy it without my permission, and if you want to buy a print, just let me know.

I'm writing about my mail again. Man, I suck.

Well, I checked my mail again today, and this time I got a flier asking if I was interested in becoming a school bus driver. It says 'our cargo is extremely valuable' so it sounds like they're carrying boxes of watches or something on the side. Anyways, last week it was Tim Hortons, this week it's bus driving. Maybe there's a higher power trying to tell me something. Maybe I just live in a shitty neighbourhood. AND, I also got another Extreme Fitness ad. There's a scantily clad woman jumping on this one, but there's no money shot, so I guess it's alright. As a side-note, I sent Extreme Fitness an email about their other ad and they 'gave' me a free month at their gym. Anyone want a free month at Extreme Fitness? Just complain about their pornographic ads, it seems to work.

Mail Sucks

I got an application form for Tim Hortons in the mail today**. (for those of you who don't know what Tim Hortons is, it's a coffee place that is on every corner in Canada. Tim Horton, of course, was a hockey player.)

Anyways, the fact that they have any sort of job application process surprises me, because, well, they only seem to hire morons. How can you screw up an order for a coffee? Go to Tim Hortons to find out.

For example, I have some of their training material here, here and here.

Having said all that, having developed a chemical dependence from drinking their coffee, it doesn't really matter that they can't punch "Double Double with milk" into a computer, as I'm still going back. In fact, I might just go there now.

** - Just to clarify - I didn't ask for it, it just came. I didn't go to University for 5 years to pour cream into someone's coffee after they asked for milk. I think a four year degree would have been sufficient.

Fake Story about made up kids #3

"Hey Dad", yelled the boy. "Look at this! It's a human hand!"

"No son," I replied. "It's from a raccoon."

"Why does it look just like my hand?" asked the boy.

"Because your grandfather was a raccoon," I said.

"Wow, that probably explains why I can't resist the urge to dig around in the neighbour's garbage."

"What?!"

"Nothing."

Player of the Game?

Nope. It was Berkman. Take that Fox Sports! See what happens when you name the Player of the Game before the game is over? Now what? How will this be rectified? Ahh, who cares, I have to go to work.

An idea...

I was at the gym today and they were playing a music video station on the tv and I couldn't help but think that if I managed a hot, young female recording artist, when we were shooting the video, I'd get her to prance around in skimpy clothes and then I'd have a shot or two of her in a bathtub. I don't think it's been done before.