Monday, April 11, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired March 26)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Yay! It’s the Easter show! More NFL players wear their Christianity on the field! I’m sure more baseball players will too now, as they’ll have to rely on something when they’re not juiced up. Think of how many home runs Barry Bonds could have hit had he taken a daily dose of Jesus, instead of Testosterone Cypionate. I'm guessing about 15, because as good as Jesus might be for your soul, I don't think he makes your arms any bigger.

7:00 – Rexella talks about a letter they received from the founder of Walmart. Rexella says his name is Sam Walmart (I have a feeling it’s not). Apparently Jack and Rexella prayed for him to recover from his illness a few weeks ago. Anyways, he’s dead now. Plus, his name was actually Sam Walton, if you cared.

17:06 – Jack says that it wasn’t enough for Jesus to just have died, he had to die a certain way. If he died of suffocation, strangulation or a heart attack you could not have been saved because without the shedding of blood there’s no remission of sins!! Wait a minute, what if after he had a heart attack he fell and hit his head on the coffee table?

For us and for our salvation
he came down from heaven:
by the power of the Holy Spirit
he became incarnate from the Virgin Mary,
and was made man.
One day on his way to the grocery store, he had a heart attack, fell and hit his head on a coffee table;
he suffered death and was buried, much like everyone else who isn't crucified.
On the third day he rose again
but nobody really paid too much attention because hitting your head on a coffee table really isn't all that glamourous.


23:00 – Rexella is singing a song - Man, it’s long. She just keeps singing and singing. Jack is so moved he’s crying! It looks fake, but he has the hanky and everything.

23:45 – Jack’s prayer – he’s crying again. It’s fake though, you know, like when you kind of want to cry, but really can’t, but wish you could? Like when you’re breaking up with someone who you don’t really like all that much, and you figure that if she thinks you’re upset it’ll go smoother? Yeah, it’s just like that.

25:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! It’s called “Beyond the Grave”. It talks about what will happen to you “beyond the grave”. He even covers what happens to those people who have never heard the gospels! I imagine that they all go to hell as I doubt Jesus would want a bunch of people walking up to him in heaven saying, “Nice crown, and what happened to your hands? Who'd you piss off?”

No comments:

Post a Comment