All You Can Eat

The Applebee's next to my house has "All you can eat riblets" for $9.99. That's a lot for 2 riblets, isn't it? That's pretty smart of Applebee's though because you can't eat when you're in the washroom with explosive diarrhea.

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Oct 29)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella comments that people name their children after rock stars and famous people. She says it’s been happening since biblical times though. Hey, I think she’s right. I once heard of a guy named John.

4:00 – Jack is amazed by science. The most distant cosmic explosion 12.8 billion light years from earth. That’s 77 sextillion miles!! Jack says this happened at the edge of the universe, where only a few miles further is where God lives. Jack is excited because he loves math, and I suppose he loves applying it. (Even if his math is wrong). I also love the fact that he uses this amazing science to prove his kooky theories about the rapture, but when that very same science tells you that you can’t warp through space ‘in the twinkling of an eye’ he doesn’t want to listen.

13:35 – Jack says that Osama Bin Laden has smuggled 48 suitcases containing nuclear material into the United States! Apparently, according to Jack’s contacts, they’re going to set off these suitcases at the same time in 7 different cities. He wanted them all in the same city, but he flew them in and that’s just where they ended up.

16:21 – Hey, they’re begging for money now. As much as I enjoy this show, I think I’d rather keep my money thanks. It’s a little embarrassing actually. He really is begging. Galatians 6 v 6 says “let him that is taught in Gods word communicate. Support him that teaches”
Translation: If you don’t send Jack some money, you’re going to Hell, and so is your dog and everyone you love.

19:25 – Testimonials! Wow, they have a bunch of morons endorsing Jack and Rexella. I’d kill to have a testimonial on that show. “Jack Van Impe has taught me about the bible. He has also taught me to hate Jews and gays, and well, any number of other heathens. While I’m hating, I’m not having any premarital sex, and well, that only makes the hating easier. Thank you Jack and Rexella, thank you.”

Now they’re concentrating on the late night crowd. Jack says, he wants to reach these “people who want to drown their sorrows in a bottle of liquor or overdose of drugs” Jack wants to give them Jesus! He could reach even more 'undesireables' if he advertised on porn sites! He's just not thinking hard enough.

27:00 – Rexella says that they have signed on with 27 of largest 31 cities in North America. I’ve never wished I was in Saskatchewan more than I do right now.

I'm so very sorry.

I've been so busy for the past few days I haven't even had time to not read Dances With Wolves. Don't you hate it when someone isn't prepared for their book club meetings? I personally wouldn't know, because I'm not in a book club (that's why I'm asking you), but I imagine someone just sitting there not contributing because they couldn't manage their time well enough to read a damn book would be annoying.

Paul's Book Club. (Not to be confused with Oprah's)

This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

The next book in my book club is Dances with Wolves.



It's a novel by some guy you've never heard of, and, if you pay close attention to the Hollywood scene, you might know that they made a movie out of it. Hey, look at that, it's right on the front of the book!



Now, the fact that they tell you right on the front that this book has become a movie is probably supposed to say, "Read me because I'm so good that they made a movie out of me." To me it says, "Whoa there big guy, what are you doing reading when you could go on down to Blockbuster and be through with me in 3 hours?"

If that's not enough reason to put it down and go to the video store, read this little note.



Well, that's all well and good, but what about the book!?? What about the book!??

Anyways, the next book in my club is "Dances with Wolves". Join my club, don't read it. While you're at it, don't watch the movie either (they shoot the wolf at the end. Or do they shoot AT the wolf? I don't remember).

Lest We Forget.

Because it's Remembrance Day (in Canada anyways) I thought I'd put up some pictures of my Vimy Ridge visit.





I'll spare you the lecture, but we do take a lot for granted, and it's always good to think about those who risked and lost their lives doing things we thank God we don't have to do.

Photoblogging IV

This picture is every bit as good as the others in this series. For those of you who don't know anything about photography, the true artist doesn't feel the need to center things in his pictures. You'll also notice that I included the flash in the picture. It represents life. You see, I was taking a picture of some fossils, so I felt that the contrast of living and dead, and light vs. dark captured in a photograph would make for a really powerful image. As usual, I was right. Please don't copy it without my permission, and if you want to buy a print, just let me know.

I'm writing about my mail again. Man, I suck.

Well, I checked my mail again today, and this time I got a flier asking if I was interested in becoming a school bus driver. It says 'our cargo is extremely valuable' so it sounds like they're carrying boxes of watches or something on the side. Anyways, last week it was Tim Hortons, this week it's bus driving. Maybe there's a higher power trying to tell me something. Maybe I just live in a shitty neighbourhood. AND, I also got another Extreme Fitness ad. There's a scantily clad woman jumping on this one, but there's no money shot, so I guess it's alright. As a side-note, I sent Extreme Fitness an email about their other ad and they 'gave' me a free month at their gym. Anyone want a free month at Extreme Fitness? Just complain about their pornographic ads, it seems to work.

Mail Sucks

I got an application form for Tim Hortons in the mail today**. (for those of you who don't know what Tim Hortons is, it's a coffee place that is on every corner in Canada. Tim Horton, of course, was a hockey player.)

Anyways, the fact that they have any sort of job application process surprises me, because, well, they only seem to hire morons. How can you screw up an order for a coffee? Go to Tim Hortons to find out.

For example, I have some of their training material here, here and here.

Having said all that, having developed a chemical dependence from drinking their coffee, it doesn't really matter that they can't punch "Double Double with milk" into a computer, as I'm still going back. In fact, I might just go there now.

** - Just to clarify - I didn't ask for it, it just came. I didn't go to University for 5 years to pour cream into someone's coffee after they asked for milk. I think a four year degree would have been sufficient.

Fake Story about made up kids #3

"Hey Dad", yelled the boy. "Look at this! It's a human hand!"

"No son," I replied. "It's from a raccoon."

"Why does it look just like my hand?" asked the boy.

"Because your grandfather was a raccoon," I said.

"Wow, that probably explains why I can't resist the urge to dig around in the neighbour's garbage."

"What?!"

"Nothing."

Player of the Game?

Nope. It was Berkman. Take that Fox Sports! See what happens when you name the Player of the Game before the game is over? Now what? How will this be rectified? Ahh, who cares, I have to go to work.

An idea...

I was at the gym today and they were playing a music video station on the tv and I couldn't help but think that if I managed a hot, young female recording artist, when we were shooting the video, I'd get her to prance around in skimpy clothes and then I'd have a shot or two of her in a bathtub. I don't think it's been done before.

Conversation Post

When Brett talked about conversation posts, I just had to share. Believe it or not, this conversation really took place. It was a few weeks ago.

Paul: Hey Jack, do you really think that Jesus is coming? Like, really, really think that?



Jack:Oh yes! It's an exciting time. Did you know I wrote a prophecy bible?

Paul: Umm, yeah, actually, I did know that. Anyways, tell me about this "Rapture". I'm intrigued.

Jack: Well, the Lord shall descend from heaven with a shout, and the dead in Christ shall rise first then the living shall be caught up together with the dead and shall meet in the clouds and so shall we be forever with the lord - first Thessalonians 4 v 16-18.

Paul: So, how will we know? Like FOR SURE??



Jack: Well, we'll hear from the clouds "come up hither" revelation 4 vs 1 and we'll sweep through 187 trillion billion miles in the twinkling of an eye - 1st Corinthians 15 v 52. Oh, it's an exciting time!

Paul: Well, Jack, that's fascinating, but what you don't know is, that I've arranged for a special guest to verify some of these statements. May I introduce you to Jesus.



Paul: Jesus, or should I call you Mr. Christ?

Jesus: Jesus is fine, my son.

Paul: Thanks. So, Jesus, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Jack.



Jack: ......

Jesus: Oh, I know Jack. I'm omnipotent you know...

Paul: Oh, right, sorry. Anyways, I have a few questions.

Jesus: Please proceed, my son.

Paul: Are you really going to say, "Come up hither?" I mean, "Hither"? Kids aren't going to know what you're talking about.

Jesus: Well, eventually I'll say that, Dad didn't write that into the Bible for nothing you know. I figure I'll say, "Come up....thither" or maybe, "Come on hither", just to mess with people. Wouldn't it be funny if people started looting? Christ...I mean, Damn, that'd be funny.

Jack has since passed out on the floor.

Paul: Ha! That would be funny. So, tell me, Hurricane Katrina: A sign of your return? Or were you just bored one day?

Jesus: It's hurricane season! That shit just happens! It's not easy to control the weather you know. The tsunami on the other hand. Who would have thought that an underwater earthquake would do that much damage? Colour my face red.

Paul: Yeah, you killed a lot of people. I mean, A LOT.

Jesus: Enough already, you don't think I hear this from God, like every day?! Now look what you've done. You've made me mad.



Jesus: I glow blue when I'm irritated.

Paul: Whoa. Calm down there guy. Oh, on an unrelated note, have you heard the one about you putting the nails down on the hotel counter??

Jesus: ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME NOW??!!? YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE. WHERE ARE YOU FROM???

Paul: Ummm, Pakistan. Yeah, Pakistan....



Swear to God, that happened.

Jesus?

I was walking through the woods on Saturday and I saw this moss covered rock. Doesn't that look like a face? Maybe it's Jesus??

Jesus could have had a huge nose. If had a nose like that I wouldn't write it into the bible . I'd write a whole chapter on how I looked like Brad Pitt. I'd call it, "The Book of Vanity" Verse 1, chapter one says, "and his face looketh not unlike that of Brad Pitt. The ladies swooned, and it was good."

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Sept. 24)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:10 – Rexella ponders, “Will 2 religions cause World War III”? I say, “No”. It’ll probably just be one.

2:00 – Jack says the dead in Christ are raptured first “because they have 6 feet farther to go!” Ha! That’s not true, because the dead people in Denver are still closer to heaven than the living people in New Orleans. Ok, bad example, those looters are all going to hell, but you know what I mean.

3:27 – Jack talks science. It’s so funny. He thinks that we’re going to go through 187 trillion billion miles in 0.11 seconds (because that’s how fast GE measured the twinkling of an eye, which is how quickly we’ll be raptured. Of course that’s faster than the speed of light, so it’s impossible). Jack then implies that astronauts aren’t going to heaven. Damn scientists!!

12:00 – Rexella says that there have been 17 hurricanes this season. Why is that significant? Because the bible says so, that’s why!

1500 – Jack says that they have a lot of new tv contracts for the coming year. He probably nabbed that coveted 3:00-3:30 am time-slot between an infomercial on buying and selling real estate and some knives that cut through frozen pork. He says it’s a sign because he’ll be able to make ‘the last call to the nations on earth’ regarding the rapture. Or at least the alcoholics and sleep deprived people who watch tv that late.

15:30 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! The big 10! Whoa, big news. Revelations Revealed is available again. He says it’s $100 cheaper than it was, so if you bought it before, well, you’re a fucking moron.

21:00 – Jack gets mad at Osama Bin Laden for telling suicide bombers that they’ll be rewarded with 72 virgins in heaven. He says no god would give you virgins that you could have daily for the rest of eternity. Well, of course not, you can only have the virgin once, unless you get new virgins every day, in which case.... I think I need some clarification. Maybe they're onto something.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this – “Faith is God’s antidote for fear.” Think about that the next time you're afraid of something. Let me know how that works out for you.

Fake story about made up kids #2

It was a hot day, a day I wanted to spend outside. The only problem? Flying ants. I hate insects in general, but there's something about flying ants that I particularly hate. I think it's probably the flying, as ants in general don't disgust me as much.

"Hey Dad", said the boy, "Doesn't that insecticide say not to spray it into the wind as it'll just blow right back on you?"

"Tell me", I said, "How do you expect me to know which way the wind is blowing if I don't spray some and then see if it blows back on me?"

Geez kid, wise up.

What the hell??

Check this out.

Three hours and 7 minutes while juggling??? I can't juggle for 2 minutes standing still.

This is a picture of me finishing my marathon (2 years ago - look at how young I look).



It took me 3 hours and 41 minutes. And notice my hands. I'm not friggin' juggling things. AND (you can't tell this from the picture) I'm in a WORLD OF PAIN at this point, and also WISHING I WAS DEAD.

I love running, but it's a little hard on the ego when you're going all out and you're exhausted and then the fat guy with the limp passes you. As fast as you are, there's always some old fat guy who's faster. Or some dork juggling.

To sellout, or not to sellout, that is the question

Sometimes I think that I spend too much time on some of these posts considering how many people read them. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all the readers, but sometimes I think I should be spending my time doing something a little more productive, like watching tv, or sleeping on the couch.

Join Millions Across the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Sept 10)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:15 – Uh oh. Jack may be sick! They’re getting letters expressing people’s concern.

He had a blood infection that could have been fatal. Jack thinks it was Satan. I do too. Anyways, he had to wake up Rexella (by walking across the room to her bed, no doubt) so that she could take him to the hospital. He was spasming and not making any sense. (Umm, quick question, isn’t he like that every week??) Anyways, it's not like me to make light of a serious topic like death, so let's get right to making fun of Jesus.

7:00 – Woo hoo! It’s hurricane talk! Did you know there was one?? Apparently it hit New Orleans! Rexella says that the number one thing we can do is pray. That’s right, don’t bother with the money, just pray. Nothing sucks the water out of New Orleans faster than prayer. Maybe if those poor people had prayed (like the rich white people obviously did) they wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

13:52 – Whoa. Rexella asks the million dollar question. “Is the hurricane a sign pointing towards the return of Christ?”

Ready??

“YES!” (I didn’t see that coming)

Jack then spews the same crap that he spewed after the tsunami. (that’s right the tsunami. Has anyone checked recently to see if they still need any help over there?? Didn’t think so.)

15:30 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! It’s brand new! It’s called ‘The Big 10”. Rexella says it was made for me, and it’s “dynamite”. It’s about telling people who think they’re going to heaven that they’re really going to hell. He says that there are people who mock the virgin birth and even those who mock the rapture. (Hmmmm, maybe they really did make it for me.)

17:00 – Rexella talks about prophesies in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. That reminds me of what my grandfather used to say, “Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, hold the donkey while I get on.” We kids would laugh and laugh, and then repeat it, and then Mom would get mad because it’s not appropriate talk for church. In retrospect, maybe Mom was right.

19:51 – Hey the video cut out on me! Stupid internet. I blame Satan, or Jesus, or maybe Bell Sympatico. Fuckers.

Apparently It's almost Christmas!

I was flipping through a catalog (a Christmas catalog no less) I got in the mail the other day. This totally caught my eye.



Nothing says "Sexy" like a lingerie PONCHO. And, it'll fit most people! You can almost not be too big to slip into this naughty number. Plus, the teddy bears on it give it that added 'zing'.

Anyways, this seems to be more 'normal'. It's a nice black dress. Maybe something you'd wear to the company Christmas party? Maybe something for New Years?



Anyways, check out the "NOTE" at the bottom!



How many semen stained dresses would have to be returned before they feel the need to put that in there?? I'm guessing 2, maybe 1, depending on the volume.

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired September 3)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – No mention of the hurricane yet. I’m both confused and disillusioned. Maybe I don’t understand Jack like I think I do. Oh, it’s dated Sept. 3. Nevermind.

2:00 – Rexella says she likes the Amish lifestyle, which prompts Jack to tell an Amish joke! A father and a son take their cart into the big city.

“What’s that?” asks the son.

“Well”, says the father, “that’s a mall”.

Because they’re both curious (and for the joke to work) they both decide to go check out the mall. They walk in and they see an elevator.

“What’s that?” says the boy.

“I don’t know!” replied the father.

Anyways, an old lady steps into the elevator (we’re talking, like really, really old, and wrinkly, probably has a walker and still drives because she likes the freedom it provides) and the doors close, the numbers go up, then they go back down. The doors open and out walks a gorgeous 21 year old brunette.

“Quick!” exclaims the father, “Let’s go get your Mom”.

Amish people wouldn’t use a modern babe making machine though, so this joke doesn’t make any sense. Unless it was powered by a horse and some wooden levers. In that case it would be kind of funny.

4:00 – Now, to relate this to ‘real life’, Jack says that after we’re raptured (or I’m raptured, I imagine you’re all a bunch of sinners, so have fun in hell) our bodies are changed into a body just like the Lord’s. So ladies, if you’re thinking about a little ‘nip and tuck’, I’d recommend you save your money. God’s plastic surgery is free - the only downside is that he changes you into a middle-aged, bearded carpenter.

11:00 – Jack goes on a rampage about churches that try to liven things up with jazz and ‘fun’. He then says that fornication, one night stands, oral sex and the like are inundating our churches! Ummm, that’s not a chuch Jack, it’s a whorehouse. And that’s not a female parishioner you’ve been talking to, it’s a dirty whore.

18:36 – Proverbs 23 v20 says “be not among wine drinkers”. This confuses me, because, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Jesus have wine at the last supper? I think he did, that bloody, vile sinner. No wonder we crucified him, he’s one of those “wine drinkers”.

20:00 – Jack freaks out about sex. Apparently one in five 14 years olds have had oral sex. About the same want to have it in the next 6 months and it’s all Bill Clinton’s fault. Actually, I don’t think it is Bill Clinton’s fault. It’s been about 7 years since the Clinton incident, so I can’t imagine they’ve been waiting since they were 7 to have oral sex. Personally, I blame Britney Spears, and rap music. And video games, nothing makes me crave the oral sex like a rousing game of NHL 2004.

Anyways, that’s it. No hurricane talk, I guess we’ll save that for next week.