Friday, June 11, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!!!! (aired May 29)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell...

1:50 – Jack comments on Rexella’s beauty. Jack sings “Jeeper’s Creepers” about Rexella’s eyes. It’s pretty embarrassing actually.

2:30 – Another terrible joke. Again, I’ll just write the punchline.

It said, “Rest in Peace” but she added, “until I come.” Ha….ha…..Jack’s a lot funnier when he’s not trying…

5:30 – There’s a headline about cougars in urban settings. Look out, cougars’ll get you if you’re not careful. “The devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking whom he may devour” is the bible quote that refers to this cougar. Actually, the cougar roaming the streets has more to do with us destroying their land which forces them into urban settings to find food. The cougar isn’t the devil, it’s just a hungry animal, and remember, if we destroy that cougar, he’ll be waiting for us in heaven, and then it’ll be payback time.

8:10 – Ooops, I got a bit ahead of myself there. When we believers are taken up (to heaven), He changes our ‘vile, mean natures’. Well, it’s not much of a leap to assume that he changes animal’s ‘vile, mean natures’ as well. SOOOO, animals in heaven will be tame. Hmmm, that’s assuming that animals have ‘vile, mean natures’ to begin with. I don’t think they do, they get hungry, and they eat things, just as God designed. Obviously the one being eaten is going to think the other is ‘mean’. By whose standards do we determine ‘mean’? I think the cougar thinks that the dude who runs and gets the shotgun is mean. I guess in cougar heaven we'll all be slow and we won't have firearms.

9:39 – Oh man, if you didn’t think Rexella was dumb before, get this: “If there was no bible, well then everyone would have their own opinions on everything”. Whoa, it sure is good to have the bible around to keep us all from forming our own opinions on things. Thinking for ourselves is scary, especially if we think something different than you.

14:07 – This is gold. There’s a new offer of the week, it’s some crappy made for Jack Van Impe movie called “Six” starring Stephen Baldwin!! Man, he must be hurting for work. The best part is that it looks like the title of the tape is “Sex” and it sounds like Rexella is saying “Sex”. I think they’re subliminally trying to tell us something.

17:00 – Rexella mentions that Einstein believed that only an intelligent supernatural being could have created the universe. Well, if we believed everything that Einstein did, we’d all be Jewish and we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. Just because you develop the Special Theory of Relativity, doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re never wrong.

17:41 – Oh well, my Real Player has frozen, Jack has suddenly become very quiet, and very still. His pensive gaze appears sullen. Hey Jack, why the long face? Didn’t you hear? Jesus is coming.

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