Saturday, November 20, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired September 25 and you should watch this one. It has it all.)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Jack tells us an amusing story about when he was a “typical thirteen year old kid”. (Typical meaning born again, accordion playing and scripture quoting.) Now, Jack just wanted to go out to play ball (in his hightops and knickers), but his dad instead took him to some revival where they played their accordions for the crowd (and probably had to beat of the ladies with a stick). Well, Jack’s dad was quite the showman, and he says to Jack (in front of hundreds of people), “Son, are you happy in the Lord tonight?” Well, because Jack wanted to be out playing, he said, “NO!” (ha, that Jack!) and the whole crowd laughed and laughed, which is good, because the bible says “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine”, BUT, Jack’s father’s heart wasn’t too merry as he was being laughed at, so when they got home Jack’s father applied “the board of education to the seat of understanding.” (ie., he beat poor Jack with a board). Now, before you go and say, “Beating children isn’t an acceptable behaviour, nor is it funny” let’s hear what God has to say about it. Proverbs 23 verse 13 and 14 says “withhold not correction from a child”, so in other words, beat away! God went so far as to kill his son, but of course, we shouldn’t love our children THAT much. I’d say, just stick to the beatings. Anyways, Jack, being the typical bible quoting thirteen year old that he was says (in between lashings, of course), “Don’t you know what Ephesians 6 v. 4 says?? 'Provoke not your children to wrath'”. Ha ha ha, man, that crazy Jack. I can only imagine that a snarky comment like that only prompted more correcting from the hand of Jack's dad.

5-20:00 - There's some good stuff about science in this section, and how Jack knows nothing about science.

20:00 – Now, this is important. How do we know that the revived Roman Empire is the EU, which is the final world government (when? NOW!) Well, what did the Romans use for a numbering system? Roman numerals (funny how that worked out). What are the values for Roman numerals? I=1, V=5, X=10, L=50, C=100 and D=500. Ok people, are you ready for this?? ADD THEM TOGETHER!! That’s right, you get 666, which is the mark of the beast, or anti-christ, and well, I don’t remember exactly what the point was, but I think it had to do with Jesus, or God, and hell, and, oh yeah, that's where you're going.

ALSO, if you number our alphabet using multiples of 6, for example, A=6, B=12, C=18 etc. and you spell out "COMPUTER", it equals 666. A COMPUTER is evil. COMPUTERS plural is fine. Also, if you spell out MARK OF THE BEAST, you don't get 666, you get 846, BUT, if you spell out MARK OF BEAST you get 666. Sometimes you have to fudge the numbers to put the fear of God into people. If you try, "I LIKE HAVING SEX WITH BARNYARD ANIMALS" it equals 1914, which isn't 666, so knock yourself out you sick perverted bastard.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this - “In prayer, God hears more than words, he listens to your heart”. SO, if you’re praying to God, and he doesn’t do anything, remember, he’s listening to your heart. If you’re not seeing results, it’s because, in your heart, you don’t really want it. Think about that. If, for example, you knew someone who was dying of cancer, and you prayed for them, and they died anyways, in your heart you didn’t really want them to live, and that, my friend, makes you one horrible person. You’d best try to get back in God’s good graces by finding and beating, no, pardon me, correcting some children.

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