Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Join Millions around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired Sept. 11)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:39 – We learn that Jack is 57 years old. Chuck is also 57. Rexella shows a picture of Jack and Chuck on a bicycle built for two! Jack then says that they had to bike because they couldn’t afford to fly, so instead of the Wright Brothers, they were the Wrong Brothers! Ha! They’re not even brothers, so that’s just retarded. PLUS, the Wright brothers started out in the bicycle business. Christ Jack, do some research!

14:38 – Jack says the CIA says that China will attack the States with missiles and hydrogen bombs before 2015. Wow, sounds like a little preemptive bombing is in order. What better way to start off George W’s second term? Celebrate the victory by nuking the Chinese!! I personally love nuking Chinese. Nothing beats left-over beef and broccoli for breakfast. Mmmmm, nuked Chinese….

16:32 – Pestiliences!! Rexella says that 5000 people die each year of viruses in our hospitals. – Now, I haven’t done much research on this myself, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the number of people who actually die of viruses in hospitals is somewhat higher than 5000.

17:00 – We learn that Lenin had syphilis when he died. That crazy communist! Jack says, “He was nothing but a vile, old, dirty sinner.” I find this comment rather baffling. Lenin was responsible for the deaths of millions and millions of people, and all Jack is upset about is the fact that he had syphilis?? I wonder if Jack likes Stalin or not. I suppose as long as he didn’t have gonorrhea when he died, he’s ok in Jack’s book. Hitler was rumoured to have had an illicit relationship with his niece, so, I imagine that Jack doesn’t think too highly of Hitler.

21:32 – “Women are to adorn themselves in modest apparel.” First Timothy 2 verse 9. Jack says this while talking about Britney Spears. Yup, I just read it, it does say that. Verse 12 says that ‘it’s right for a woman … to be quiet.' Now THAT should definitely apply to Britney Spears, and Ashlee Simpson, and Hilary Duff, and any number of others. With the exception of Avril Lavigne though, she’s da bomb!

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