Saturday, November 13, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired September 18)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella says that they just got back from a “well deserved” vacation because they do 50 shows a year, and they needed a break. Actually, I think they do one show a year, they just repeat it 50 times. Kind of makes you wonder why they don’t do 52 shows a year. Lazy bastards.

Animals in heaven talk! Jesus is coming on a white horse, and millions of others are too!! What’s that you say? That’s a believable story EXCEPT for that lingering question, “where do these horses come from?” Well, God has created billions of planets (ask the scientists, they’ll tell you, just don’t ask them how the horses get to earth from these planets, because that’s God’s problem, not science’s) so these white horses could be grazing on these other planets as we speak. “The Planet of the Horses” Get your hoofs off me you damn dirty equine!

11:28 – The new OFFER OF THE WEEK!! “The Final World Government. When? NOW!!” Well, it’s about the final world government. If you were wondering when, I think it’s soon, possibly next week sometime.

19:00 – Rexella comments on terrorism targeting children. She says she can’t believe that they’d sink to that level. Well, if there’s one thing that terrorists are known for, it’s their compassion towards the kiddies. Jack then refers to people who hurt children as “brutal beasts”. BUT, he said earlier that the beasts of the earth would be in heaven. I guess Jack’s in for a surprise when he meets Bin Laden up there in heaven, prancing around on a cloud, killing children.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this, “God always rules with love, never with force.” But what about the hurricanes Rexella? What about the hurricanes? God uses force, and calls it love, just like abusive husbands and parents!

“Children of abusive parents, next on Springer”.

Our first guest, we’ll call him J. Christ or JC (to protect the innocent) is going to confront his abusive father who we’ll refer to as, “Mr. The Almighty Creator”. (Mr. Creator is backstage unaware of what is going on.)
Jerry - "So JC, tell us about your father"
JC - "Well, first of all, he makes me refer to him as the Almighty Creator, then he sends me down to a dump of a planet where I end up being nailed to a board. All under the guise of love. Oh yeah, and he embarrasses me in front of my friends and won’t let me take the car on weekends."
Jerry - "Well, let’s bring him out!"
(crowd boos)
Mr. Creator – "Huh? Jesus Christ! What in the name of Myself is going on here??"
JC – "I’ve had it with your 'love' I’m not going to let you get away with it anymore...and...I want more liberties with the car."
Mr. Creator – "Why you little ungrateful <expletive deleted>".
<Scuffle ensues, Mr. Creator and JC have to be physically separated, cut to commercial.>

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