Sunday, May 01, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired April 9)

I haven't done of these in a while, but I caught a minute on tv this morning and I was reminded why I love Jack so much. He's such a freak!

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:30 - Some leader from the Salvation Army (100 years ago) said that one of the chief dangers of the 20th century was Christianity without Christ. I don’t know what ‘ianity’ is but I think it has something to do with guns and/or cancer.

2:22 - Jack says that anyone who believes that there is a heaven but not a hell is calling Jesus a liar. Some people just don’t want to believe that there’s a big nasty place that most people eventually will end up going to.

5:00 – Rexella says that the number of people who believe they can talk to the dead is on the rise. I’m not sure where they got the stats for that, but my dead uncle hasn’t mentioned many other living people trying to talk to him.

6:31- Jack is going to talk about Hell for a minute. Well, Jack was in a debate with some dudes one day, and apparently they were going to try to make Jack look like a fool (imagine that). Anyways, it’s a long story, and it’s not so good, so forget it. The moral of the story is that Jack loves the bible, and if you’re going to debate him, then you have way too much time on your hands.

11:00 - THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s the last week! It’s called, “Beyond the Grave”! Do people really travel to the third heaven (187 trillion billion miles into space) in 0.11 seconds? Well, my answer is no. You can use science to figure out that space goes on for a long time, but that same science will tell you that you can’t travel 187 trillion billion miles in 0.11 seconds.

18:31 – At the heart of the milky way galaxy lies a massive black hole. Rexella reads a bunch of articles about black holes. Jack is astonished at the size of these black holes and how they suck in all light and all energy around it. He then says that black holes are 25 billion degrees Fahrenheit, and that he’s not calling it hell (because the University wrote him up the last time he said that) but I really do think he thinks that Hitler and Stalin are stuck in a black hole somewhere.

27:00 – If you ever wondered if you ‘slept a little in your grave’ before going to heaven, then you're an idiot. That, and you might need the OFFER OF THE WEEK!!

28:00 – Rexella says, "None of us have the right to do as we please, unless we please to do right." Even then I’m not so sure that’s true. I pleased to do right when I started all those fires to keep away evil spirits, but the damn police still called it ‘arson’. What’s up with that?

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