Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired June 4)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella says that more and more people don’t want to watch the news anymore; it’s all ‘doom and gloom’. Hey Rexella, what was the point of your show again? Oh yeah, we’re going to die a horrible death and then rot in hell. Thanks.

5:00 – Jack gets excited because France and Holland rejected the new EU constitution. Apparently, according to Daniel 7v7, 8, 20 and 24, this means that Jesus is coming quicker than expected. Ha! Even Jesus comes quicker than expected sometimes. Poor bastard.

8:20 – Jack scorns the replacement theologists. Those crazy bastards say the word “Israel” should be replaced by “the church”, “Jerusalem” replaced by “heaven” and “Jesus” gets replaced by “Kool Mo Dee”. Luke 2v21 becomes “A week later, when the time came for the baby to be circumcised, he was named Kool Mo Dee, the name which the angel had given him before he had been conceived.”

12:30 – The first of a new sign! Cloning! They talk about mixing humans and animals! Jack is pretty excited about this because Rev 9v7 talks about horses with the heads of humans! Now Jack’s talking about cloning mice with human brains, which (according to Jack) would produce a mouse that could produce human babies!! (not quite Jack, human babies are bigger than mice, that mouse would explode) Jack says he doesn’t understand, but ‘that’s what the scientists say’! He then goes on to say that they could produce a dog who thinks exactly like a man!

15:00 - Not only that! They could put a human brain inside a chimpanzee!! That’d be awesome, then you could hire those monkeys to work for Subway, pay them less than minimum wage AND you’d probably have fewer hairs in your sub.

16:00 – 18:12 – Whoa. I strongly urge you to listen to this part. It's so funny. This rant makes NO SENSE!! Really, I think he forgot to take his medication before the show.

18:30 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!!! Beyond the Grave! What happens after you die?? Well, you rot in a box, or if you’re lucky, you get stuffed in an oven and burned, or at least that's what I'd put in a video if I were making one.

24:00 - The astronomers tell us that there are 100 000 000 000 different worlds! The bible teaches this, so it’s ok to believe it. Just don't ask those same scientists how old the earth is, because then they're heathens that should be burned at the stake.

27:00 - Rexella leaves us with this "Life is fragile, so handle it with prayer". Ha, that’s a play on handle it with care, I get it…

No comments:

Post a Comment