Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Jan. 15)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

3:43 – Resolute Bay Winnipeg Canada!! There is apparently a strange light where no light was before. The Mayor says, “It could be a sign of the second coming. It used to be dark up there, but now there’s light.” Yeah, it might be Jesus, and it might just be the new street light they put up. Who knows?

4:00 - Apparently the bible says that “one soul is worth the whole universe in God’s eyes”. Hmmm, I guess that tells you how disposable our precious universe is in God’s eyes.

5:30 – There’s late breaking news from the Middle East!! Man it’s exciting! – I was going to write about it, but it just makes no sense, I’ll give you the gist of it though - Keep your bags packed! He’s coming. Grab that dog’s tail!

8:00 – They say that some elephants broke their chains and saved some tourists from the tsunami because they could sense it was about to happen. Now, I’m no zoologist, but I doubt that happened. If I were an elephant and I could break my chains, I wouldn’t wait for a tsunami to break free, I’d be trampling tourists left and right all the damn time!

The quake’s power was equal to one million atomic bombs!! (that’s 999 991 more than North Korea might have. More on that later). Rexella says it was like a scene from the bible (except that it really happened).

12:00 - THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! It’s called “Another Hitler Rising”. (I wouldn’t recommend it if you’re Jewish – just a hunch). You can still get the electronic bible too, if you’ve somehow managed to suppress the urge to buy it up until now.

16:00 - Jack says he wouldn’t want to be the president. That makes 2 of us, Jack.

20:00 – Again, we should pray for the President. North Korea could have nuclear material for 9 bombs!! Man, I’d feel a lot safer if they could get that down to about 5 or 6. Nine is just too many nuclear bombs.

28:00 - To keep your life in balance, lean on the Lord! Man, I can't think of anything snarky to say about that. Oh well, I'm going to go keep my life in balance by watching the end of "A Simple Life 3 - Interns." Nicole Ritchie is da bomb!

No comments:

Post a Comment