Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (Aired January 8)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:10 – Rexella comments that they get a lot of mail about people and their pets and families. The first part of the show is dedicated to Bill and Polly who were vacationing in Colorado. They were no more than 12 feet away when a pack of coyotes came and took their little kitty away. First of all, who takes their cat on vacation? PLUS, that cat must have been on a leash (as otherwise it would have taken off into the woods). Putting a cat on a leash in coyote country is kind of like putting your pet worm on a hook, dangling it in a lake full of fish and then being upset when the worm is eaten. The tragedy isn’t the poor cat dying, it’s that Bill and Polly are so friggin’ stupid.

2:30 – A trained rottweiler called 911 and then unlocked the door when help came! I wonder how many times that dog called 911 for no reason, and then opened the door for some Jehovah’s Witnesses.

5:30 – Jack says (for about the billionth time) that the animals will be raptured along with us. (good luck finding your raptured pet though. Take comfort in the fact that your pet will be in heaven, remember though, you won’t be able to find it. Then you’ll have to live for all eternity knowing that some other born-again son-of-a-bitch stole your cat.)

7:00 – Jack says that because some of you aren’t ready to be raptured, when the rapture comes, you’d better hang on to your dog’s tail, as that’ll be the only way in! (The bible says that you’ll be taken up to heaven in the twinkling of an eye, which is pretty fast, so I just recommend grabbing your dog’s tail all the time. If someone asks why you’re always holding your dog’s tail, just say, “See you in hell buddy, except I won’t be going to hell, because I’m holding my dog’s tail. Ha!” Rexella quickly clarifies that that’s not the way into heaven. Way to mess with the heathens Jack.

17:07 – Jack says that Avian flu could take 7 million to 10 million lives, plus all the deaths from AIDS, blah, blah, blah. (I was going to rant about this, but I already did.) Jack’s point was about the bible and pestilences, not about helping people though…

26:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s the last week for Jack’s electronic bible. (actually, since this show is couple weeks old, it’s already too late, if you were dying to buy it, you’re SOL.) Rexella talks about a couple extra features it has, a calculator and a watch. Wow, what shitty features! It’d be better if you could play Tetris or some game you could gamble on, or really any game with a lot of bloody violence and mature subject matter.

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