Sunday, January 09, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired January 1)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Ooooh, there’s a special SE Asia report. I wonder what that’s about.

2:00 – Rexella says that we should pray for George W. Jack then goes on to say that he’s not a “mamby-pamby, wishy-washy wimp” Jack likes the fact that he takes a stand! You know who else took a stand? Custer - and he was wiped out by the Indians, but I think Jack was referring to Jesus, who, was, interestingly enough, also 'wiped out'. Hmmm, maybe there's something to be learned here.

4:40 – Rexella’s heart is burdened by the tsunami in SE Asia. There was ‘no warning’. Yeah, well, if you’re not looking for a warning, you’re not going to see it. Anyways, more importantly (and definitely more significantly) Luke 21:25 says “ Just before I return, nations will be in distress with perplexity in mass confusion because the sea and the waves are roaring.” And more even more important than THAT, is this. Of course Jet Li survived the tsunami, he can friggin’ float around in the air. He probably kicked that tsunami’s ass!

9:39 – Jack’s heart is heavy. Lots of people have died in the tsunami. Jack is going to pray for them. I guess it’s a small price to pay for a sign that Jesus is coming though. It’s both tragic and exciting all at the same time!

15:15 – Jack is getting pretty worked up about the fact that Macy’s and Bloomingdales’ workers were not allowed to say “Merry Christmas”. God forgive these hypocrites who profit from the very same Christ’s birthday that they’re not allowed to communicate!

15:40 – Jack says that ‘they’ want to keep the military out of the Boy Scouts because the Boy Scouts honour God in their creed. Now if only the Catholic church could keep their Priests out of their choirboys.

16:21 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Jack’s electronic prophesy bible! Jack comments that it’s a secular company that produces this bible. (I wonder if their employees are allowed to say “Merry Christmas”.) Rexella says that if you want kids to read something, ‘just make it electronic'. I personally don’t think kids are that dumb. If you really want kids to spend time on something just tell them not to do it, or put it on a pack of smokes. “Cigarettes cause mouth diseases, that’s ok though, let’s praise Jesus!”

Anyways, I think that's enough...

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