Sunday, August 07, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 9)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:15 – Yes! They’re going to talk about robots – or "robuts" as Rexella calls them. Ha! Robuts! That kills me.

1:00 – They’re talking about that Runaway Bride! Apparently she’s negotiating a $500 000 deal for the rights to her story. Well, you may not have known that she claims to be a born again Christian. Wait a minute though! Doesn’t Proverbs 31 talk about wives? Doesn’t it say “She shall do him good, all the days of her life?” I guess she’ll find out the hard way when Saint Peter kicks her runaway ass down to hell where it belongs.

3:00 - Rexella gives Jack a father’s day card, but of course Jack didn’t ever have children - just a cat. I guess he misunderstood when people would say he needed a little pussy. Man, the card whistles when you open it. Then Jack gets all excited and he and Rexella lean in for a kiss. Then I turn away in disgust because the thought of those 2 doing anything remotely intimate kind of makes me sick.

6:00 – Jack slams some televangelists. He says he doesn’t spend the ministry’s money frivolously. No, he spends it developing DVDs such as “Animals in Heaven”, “Beyond the Grave” and “Revelations Revealed”. Ok, maybe that’s not frivolous in the sense he means, but it’s still a waste. I think I’d prefer that he spent it on hookers and booze.

9:00 – They’re talking about Jerry Springer! Apparently he’s profane. (duh, really?) Jesus, Mary and God were guests on Springer as well! Damn, I wish I’d seen that one. Apparently Jesus was wearing a diaper and got into a shouting match with Satan. JERRY! JERRY! Jack says Jerry's day is coming, but I think Jesus appreciates hot teen moms who strip to support their obese mother’s cocaine habit.

12:45 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! It’s the last week, so it’s not too late! Actually, because this show is a month old, it IS too late. Suckers. This video asks ‘what will happen to murderers like ‘Stalin’, “Hitler” and the “9/11 Hijackers”. This pisses me off. I don’t care what you say, you can’t compare the 9/11 hijackers to Hitler.

16:34 – Israel develops an airborne car! So? That’s not hard. I imagine Rexella has made their car airborne a few times.

17:00 - An Indian scientist wants to develop headless humans to harvest organs. Jack is upset about this. We’ll see how upset he is about it when his kidneys crap out and he needs a couple new ones. What’s worse? Dialysis or some headless thing that makes you organs? Seems like a no brainer to me.

26:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! “What happens when I die?” people ponder. Well, I recommend that anyone who really wants to know this should just bite the bullet and stick their head in the oven. Then they should let me know how that turns out. Idiots.

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