Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 16)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Sometimes Rexella feels overwhelmed when she watches the news. I guess if I interpreted everything as meaning we're all going to die and rot in hell I'd be a little overwhelmed too. Dumbass.

5:00 – Oh get this. Jack has a message for this mess age. Fuck that’s clever.

7:00 – "America expects attack", poll claims. America also wants to know what Britney Spears had for breakfast and that Angelina Jolie's adopted kid calls Brad Pitt "dad" though. On an unrelated note, can you believe that Kaysar was voted back in? Like, oh my god, then, he gave up the HOH to that little lying bitch!?"

12:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! “Revelations Revealed” Did you ever wish you could understand Revelations like Jack? No? Me neither.

Hey, Jack just said because these videos are so great it was “Christmas in July”. I'm outraged because that’s not true. Jesus wasn’t born in July! Unless they’re referring to the secular materialistic version of Christmas where you exchange gifts and where you try your hardest not to think about Jesus, but that doesn’t sound like something Jack would endorse. I think I might send him an email complaining about this blasphemy. On second thought, it'd be easier to not send that email. Nevermind.

16:00 – There's some new “electromagnetic pulse” weapon being developed by some evil country somewhere and apparently it is one of the most dangerous weapons in the history of the world!! (It always amuses me how Jack is privy to foreign secrets) Jack mentions some ‘facts’ about this weapon, and even though I don’t know anything about it, I think some of Jack’s facts are wrong. I think the main purpose of this electromagnetic pulse weapon would be to knock out all cell phone transmissions so that all teenagers will be disoriented and won’t be able to be picked up by their parents after shopping all day at the GAP. Worried parents will clog the streets effectively shutting down the whole country, if not THE WORLD!!

19:00 – Rexella says that one of the greatest scientists alive today is Stephen Hawkins. I think she means Stephen Hawking. He says we need to start developing outerspace. The greatest thing about him saying that though isn't that he's a genius and that he thinks outside the box, but that when he talks he sounds like a robot.

Jack then goes on about earthquakes, and how the biggest earthquake ever will be when Jesus sets his foot down when he returns. "He splits the land from east to west." I figure it will be about a billion on the Richter Scale and that millions of people won't be raptured because they'll be trapped under tons and tons of rubble. Thanks a lot Jesus, you jerk.

25:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! “Revelations Revealed” It's like 10 hours of study! Apparently it’s easy to understand, but then again it would have to be - it’s one of the drawbacks of having a target audience of idiots.

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