Sunday, July 18, 2004

Join Millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 3)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
1:00 - Oh, as we all know, Jack has been on a diet!!  Well, I didn’t know that, and I watch this crap every week.  I feel a little insulted actually.
2:50 - Jack has been to McDonalds (nice diet, Jack).  They offer a salad, water and pedometer (pronounced PEE-dometer) for walking.  Jack was proud of his weight for a long time because “The liberal soul shall be made fat” says Proverbs.  But, Rexella’s father then said unto him, some other verse that says, “Put a knife to thy throat if thou be a man given to appetite.”  So Jack immediately started dieting.  Then Rexella’s father quoted the bible passage that said, “If thou layest a hand on my daughter, I shall have to kick your bible thumping ass, mother fucker!” 
5:45 - One day we’re going to learn that Bush was right about the weapons of mass destruction.  Iraq moved all the weapons before the invasion.  Of course they did.  Just like everyone else will move them just before we don’t find any. 
President Bush - "We didn't find any weapons of mass destruction on that brand new golf course down the street, I checked myself.  Those crafty Iraqis moved them again!!!  They're always one step ahead!!"
9:00 - Keep your eyes fixed on heaven, because Jesus might be coming!!  I think that means you should walk around staring into they sky, because you don’t want to miss something like Jesus on a cloud.  Actually, if you walk around staring into the sky I imagine you’ll be paying Jesus a visit sooner than you think.
10:15 - Rexella says that there are one million prisoners in American prisons, but it is expected to increase to 6 million by 2015.  Rexella wonders if we’re building these prisons for illegal aliens.  I don’t think so, Rexella.  I imagine you’ll just deport the illegal aliens.  The prisons will probably be for those shifty legal foreigners.
13:00 - Good news!!  We’re the only generation who will get to heaven without dying!!  How exciting!!  Actually, it’s crap.  I don’t want to go yet,  I have some sinning yet to do!!  As great as heaven sounds, I doubt Jesus lets you have any fun.  
Jesus - "Let's play Pictionary!!"
Everyone else - "Pictionary is no fun, you can't draw, and there's only one clue.  How many different ways can you draw love anyways??"
14:00 - THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!!  Six!  The Mark Unleashed.  It’s full of suspense, it’s kind of like a science fiction story, except filled with truth!!  Man, I couldn’t have written that better myself.  “like a science fiction story, but filled with truth”.  So it’s kind of nothing like science fiction…
23:00 - So much gibberish here.  Ok, some passage says something to the effect of, “Come up hither” and then we’re brought up (to heaven) in the twinkling of an eye.  GE has measured the twinkle of a man’s eye at 0.11 seconds!!  (How or why they did this is beyond me)  Anyways, it’s 187 trillion billion miles to the 3rd heaven, so we’re transported 187 trillion billion miles in 0.11 seconds.  Sorry Jack, the Special Theory of Relativity says that can’t happen.  Not even Jesus himself can break the laws of physics!! 
28:00 - If you can’t hear God speaking, perhaps you should turn up the volume control, ON YOUR CONSCIENCE!
32:00 – Channel 4 news!  It seems like someone forgot to stop the VCR.  (I hope there’s softcore porn on after the news, please have softcore porn after the news…)
59:00 – Oooh, Albertson’s has Pepsi on, 2 twelve packs for $5.  That’s a pretty good price.  Watermelon for $1.97, you can’t beat that.
1:33:00 – The Tonight Show!!  I just thought of a riddle.  What’s the difference between Jack Van Impe and Jay Leno??  One is a dopey looking grey-haired guy with his own tv show who rarely gets a laugh, and the other is Jack Van Impe!!

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