Monday, July 12, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired June 26)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 - Oh boy! Two jokes! The first one: An 85 year old woman in a nursing home is desperate for a date. She says to another old man, “If you can guess what I have in my hand, I’ll go out with you.” The old man says, “An elephant!!”. “Close enough!” says the old woman. Ha. That’s…pretty…funny. If she were that desperate, she wouldn’t make the guy guess at all. She'd just say, “You look like my 5th husband.” “Oh?” the man would say, “How many husbands have you had?”. The response?? Four!! Ha! That dirty old woman! (see how I merged the 2 jokes into one?? Pretty clever eh??)

3:00 – some schmultz about love. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the love, but this bit is too much.

3:20 – Rexella thanks God for America. (Ok, I’m getting angry now…) Thank God that a country like America exists. Thank God that only a select percentage of people live there. Thank God that some poor saps live in poor war torn countries. Thank God that these poor countries don’t put up much of a fight when America decides they want to bomb the hell out of them for their natural resources. “Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord.” Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord??. Now, this WHOLE SHOW basically lists a bunch of reasons why God isn’t the Lord of Jack’s nation anymore. Jack, you say stupid things like “Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord”, but then spend half an hour describing reason after reason how the nation is straying further and further from God. Be consistent man!!

Oh great, a clip of Rexella singing God Bless America. Man, it’s painful.
Surfers and roller coasters are shown while Rexella sings. Seems a little hedonistic to me.

6:23 – Rexella hopes that blessed my heart. Well, if she means “almost made me puke”, then “yes, Rexella, that blessed my heart”.

OFFER OF THE WEEK!! See how far into the toilet Stephen Baldwin’s career has sunken!

17:15 - “Saved” the movie! Jack is not happy about this movie. He wishes that Christians were as extreme as the dudes who put the death threats on Rushdie. Now, this annoys me. Jack loves America, land of the free, home of the brave, where free speech and the right to bear arms means you can carry a gun and tell someone that Jesus was a homo and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. This movie is what America (the nation Jack so loves) is all about Jack!! Freedom of speech means you can make a crazy movie that will offend religious nutcases and everyone is happy! Except, of course, the religious nutcases, but who cares what they think! You can’t just go and hunt them down because they said a mean thing about Jesus.

19:23 – "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth." George Carlin has the filthiest mouth EVER!! He blasphemes like there’s no tomorrow. Uh oh, George Carlin is leading the blasphemers into the time of the tribulation! Again, freedom of speech means that George Carlin can say any filthy Goddamn thing he wants for Christ’s sake.

21:00 - Lots of talk about STDs. Apparently 1 in 3 people in the states have some sort of STD. Why is that?? Because modern day teenages are a filthy, lusty, dirty generation who love the sex. 20 million have herpes! 40 million have genital warts! It’s dangerous to play with sin. I think Jack needs to realize that America is all about playing with sin. "Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord". Sorry Jack, your nation isn't blessed. You're going to hell with the rest of them!! You profit from America's greed and pride, and I'm sure that makes Jesus sad, so, you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem!! One last thing...Jesus was a homo :-)

No comments:

Post a Comment