Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 10)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 - Rexella receives a PhD in journalism!  Dr. Rexella Van Impe!!  Whoa, Jack receives his 15th degree in prophetical studies!!  Huh?  While they’re making up degrees, I think I should get a PhD in sitting on my ass.  Or maybe one in "making fun of prophetical studies".  Dr. Paul…I like the sound of that.

3:45 – The Jack Van Impe Prophesy bible!!  It’s an electronic organizer!  I need one of these.  The whole bible, Jack’s prophesy bible, the book of Revelations verse by verse, his 365 days of soul food for daily devotionals, his A-Z of Prophesy, his scripture memory program and 10385 bible verses that are coded are all in this little organizer.  Jack says he can’t believe that they contacted him and wanted to put all that into this bible.  That makes two of us, Jack. 

4:44 – It seems like people are eating out more and more.  Rexella says, “Whether it be Wendy’s or McDonalds, it’s always wonderful!”  Wow, what a sophisticated palate she has!

5:00 - Our bodies are the temples of God.  Keep ‘em clean for God.  Rexella's interpretation of that is eating at McDonalds and Wendy's.  I suppose having explosive diarrhea could possibly cleanse the body...  Do smokers go to heaven?  Yup, just sooner!  (Ha, that’s actually pretty funny.)

7:30 - Terry Nichols killed 161 people in the Oklahoma City bombing.  They’re letting him go because he became a Christian and they don’t believe in capital punishment.  This man deserves to die!  Exodus 20:13 says thou shalt not kill.  But wait a minute though, turn the page!!….  “He that smites a man so that he dies should be put to death.”  Well, that settles it.  Kill Terry Nichols too, and we'll kill the man who smote Terry Nichols, and then the guy who killed him, etc. etc.

9:40 – Lots of talk about AIDS.  I know where this is going.  Pestilences through the beasts of the field.  Jack comments on some dude who has AIDS and had sex with 200 women!  Man, I feel like crap.  A dude with AIDS gets more action than I do.

12:00 - OFFER OF THE WEEK – Skip ahead.  This sucks.

13:00 – Uh oh, something that breaks Rexella’s heart.  Oh, it’s about abusing children.  That is tragic.  Is this a sign?  Jesus said that he who violates a child should have a millstone tied to them and then to be thrown in the ocean.  Not a sign, but a good idea.

20:50 – No murderers have eternal life abiding in them!  Unless it’s murder under the guise of capital punishment, because, as we said before, God's all for that.

23:17 – Rexella says we can disagree without being disagreeable.  Maybe, but what fun is that?

28:00 – People who follow God, lead others in the right direction.  Yeah, the opposite direction.

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