Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Feb 19)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella comments on the fact that they got 150 pounds of mail on one day! (That’s including the mail man)

One letter stood out though, some woman was awakened by Rexella’s voice on the television so she got up and felt the need to check on her kids. Well, it turned out that there was a little fire starting in the kid’s room; her kids were saved! It’s a real miracle that she was still able to hear Rexella’s voice over the harsh piercing sound of the smoke detector though.

8:00 – Amazing inventions of 2004!! A flying automobile! A scamjet travels 7000 mph! A 700 passenger jet! Mixing humans and animals! They’re going to be adding wings to humans soon! I think it’d be pretty cool to have wings, I could fly all over. I imagine the preening would be pretty gross though.

17:21 – They talk about the coming of the “United States of Europe”. Why? I don’t know! Something about the final world government. (Rexella looks confused. I wonder if she knows the camera turns to her occasionally.)

24:00 – Jack goes on a rant about replacement theology and he says that the people who preach this stuff have done the word of God a real “injustment”. Way to make up a word Jack. I think you've done the english language a real injustment.

25:00 – Jack’s prayer! It’s so sweet, he begs for forgiveness for he has sinned. I just thought of this – if Jack Van Impe can’t go a week without sinning and begging for forgiveness, then what hope do I have? Man, I’m going to hell.

27:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Rexella says that we need to buy “Another Hitler Rising” because we need to be able to explain to our families how to protect ourselves from this other Hitler. Hmmm, I have an idea - don't be jewish.

28:00 – FINALLY, Rexella leaves us with this: “A heartfelt greeting can energize the weary and encourage the lonely”, so don’t expect any heartfelt greetings here folks.

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