Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired March 5)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella wonders if celebrity worship has gone too far. Someone bought Bryan Adam’s dirty socks for $1000. Jack ponders, “Who knows where those feet have been?” (A better question is, who cares where Bryan Adam's feet have been? What has Bryan Adams done recently other than sell his dirty socks?) He then mentions gum that was chewed by Britney Spears being bought by someone. He then likens that to Psalm 57:4 which says, “whose teeth are spears”! (You see how he made a pun with Spears and spears??) I personally like Nehemiah 4:21 which says, “So we went on with the work: and half of them had spears in their hands from the dawn of the morning till the stars were seen.” This obviously refers to Britney Spears being passed around like a whore.

17:35 – Nuclear weapons! Russia and China and North Korea all have ‘em! Does the bible mention it? You’d better believe it! Ezekiel 20v47 says, “I will kindle a fire in thee, and it shall devour every green tree in thee, and every dry tree: the flaming flame shall not be quenched, and all faces from the south to the north shall be burned therein.” What the hell? That’s just referring to some metaphoric inner fire, and not actually a nuclear war. Is it possible that Jack Van Impe isn’t the genius and prophet that I once thought he was??? Nah, that's not possible.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this - Courage is not found in the absence of fear, but in the conquest of fear. It’s just like that time I missed the Amazing Race. I was so filled with fear because I wouldn’t know how Rob and Amber did, but then I remembered that Bell ExpressVu has time shifting, so I could still watch it later in the evening. I waited until later, but then I fell asleep on the couch and didn’t wake up until 2, and then it was over. Then I remembered that I couldn’t recall what happened the week before anyways, so ultimately it didn’t really matter. Then I figured I probably shouldn’t waste so much time watching tv if I can’t even remember what I watched a week ago. What was the point again? Who cares, I'm going to watch tv...