Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!!!! (aired April 11, 2004)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell. This week's topic? Who knows? Same as every week.

1:00 – Rexella asks us if Jesus is the only way to heaven. Then she goes on to say that today on this program she wants to make it clear. (that’s a shock. That’s a big change from every other week.) The answer is either yes or no… HA! That’d be hilarious. Picture this:

Rexella: Hey Jack, is Jesus the only way to heaven?
Jack: No. This bible is garbage, and I’m full of it!!***

*** I just made that part up. Jack didn’t really say that.

3:45 – Jack tells a joke!! Oh, it’s a good one. It’s about a woman with a mean husband. So, the woman dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says, “before I let you in, you must spell one word – Love”. “Oh”, says the woman, “that’s easy L-O-V-E”. Sure enough, she gets in. Then 3 weeks later, St. Peter needs to ‘tend to some business’ so he asks the woman to watch the gate for him. Well, when she’s there, who arrives at the gate but her mean old husband! So, the woman says, “before you may enter, you have to spell a word, it’s Czechoslovakia!!” Jack and Rexella laugh and laugh. Czechoslovakia!! There’s no way he’ll spell that right!! In all seriousness, there’s a moral to this joke I think. If you’re a jerk, you’d best be a good speller.

10:00 – Jack clarifies the point that he does not think the world is going to end. I actually don’t think Jack thinks too much at all. He basically takes what the bible says at face value and doesn’t seem to have any independent thoughts at all.

13:00 – Rexella tells us that the OFFER OF THE WEEK is coming to an end. No more Animals in Heaven DVD!! Hurry, get one quick (I’ll tell you how it ends, the animals will be heaven, save your $30). Jack’s used the word “Dogmatic” 3 times already. I think he’s learned a new word. Definitely appropriate though.

15:25 – Rexella shows us some headlines. One of particular interest is about ethnic cleansing in Sudan. It’s funny how she’s concerned about the global issues, like ethnic cleansing and terrorism, but seems more concerned about the fact that if you don’t hurry, you’ll miss out on your chance to get an Animals in Heaven DVD. Innocent people are being killed? So what? What's really important is knowing whether or not Sparky be in heaven waiting for you.

16:45 - Oh wait, that’s not the point, Jack just wants to demonstrate once again that what the bible says about terrorism being global all points to the fact that Jesus is coming!! We don’t care about the terrorism because it’s serving a purpose! It’s a SIGN!! Oh, there it is, Jack says, “we’re not worried about the terrorists, we’ve got a comforting hope that He is coming soon”. Some of us ARE worried about the terrorists Jack. Some of us don't live in a fantasy world where the only important issues are ones that can be loosely associated with a bible passage. Actually, he just said that we’ll all rise up to heaven but earlier he said that Jesus was coming back to sit on the throne of David in Jerusalem. Make up your mind Jack, which is it? Am I going to heaven or Jerusalem? I don't really want to go to Jerusalem. Does that mean that my long dead kitty is in Jerusalem too?

21:00 – Jack reports that a woman from Uzbek says, “I am against suicide bombing because our god Allah and our Koran prohibit this. It’s against the teachings of Islam.” Then Jack says, “I wish she’d show that to BIN Laden”. (emphasis on the ‘Bin’) Ha! Too bad Jack probably believes that. Not everyone looks to a book to tell them what to do Jack. Jack’s profound statement of the day. Islam isn’t Christianity. No kidding. Really?? Christianity says you should love your enemies, Bin Laden likes to kill the infidels. What’s the point Jack? Oh yes, Jesus is coming. Right.

24:00 – Jack says to get ready to meet Jesus. Ok Jack, I’m ready. His prayer. Same old same old. And I still haven’t met Jesus.

24:51 – QUESTION OF THE WEEK!!! “What is your opinion concerning the tv special ‘Jesus and Paul’”. (I don’t know what this is, nor do I care to look it up). Jack refused to watch the show. He didn’t want to hear the experts say bad things about Jesus. He says, "These apostates will deny Jesus", but of course he already knew that, as again, the bible says so.

26:35 – Rexella talks again about the Animals in Heaven DVD. Again, she tells us that the video proves that animals will be in heaven. For those of us who trust her, that’s all we need to hear. Thanks for saving me 30 bucks Rexella.

27:00 - Ok, this is gold. Rexella’s words of wisdom, her little tidbit to live by is the following:

“The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor”

Wow Rexella, I like your style. ;-)

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