Thursday, April 01, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!!!! (aired March 27, 2004)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it tells you that it's evil and you're going to hell. It's on Sunday mornings at 10:30am. If you don't feel like getting up that early, well, you can watch it here or just read the following summary.

International news and in-depth analysis!! (if by "in-depth" you mean “whacked out references to the bible”)

1:00 – Rexella gives us a little intro (I’m excited, she seems on tonight!!)

1:23 – Rexella shows us a picture of Jack when he was young. He played the accordion, when he was 21!! How he remained pure I’ll never know.

2:15 – Rexella tells some jokes about old people and how society doesn’t really expect much out of them. She thinks it’s funny. I think it’s kind of sad :-(

2:46 – Jack mentions that he showed up to work today with black trousers and a blue coat on and Rexella made him change!! To which she replied, “Well, I’m not colour blind ha ha ha”. I don’t get it. What’s wrong with black pants and a blue shirt?

3:20 – Anyways, all joking aside, it’s serious bible quoting time. No more fooling around.

5:23 – it’s news time!!! It’s about Mars!!! Could there be life on Mars Jack? What does the bible say? Jack admits that because religious leaders once said we’d never make it to the moon, he wouldn’t speculate about life on Mars. Good to keep an open mind Jack.

7:00 – 9:00 - Whoa. This is whacked. I think Jack forgot to take his medication this morning. You really have to listen to this part. Trying to reproduce it in writing just doesn’t do it justice. Those crazy scientists are saying that there are 50 billion planets, 6 billion people on earth so that means we each could get 8 planets, plus with all the stars and suns associated with each planet, we could all have a bunch of stars and planets?? What would we do with them Jack??? What are you talking about? I like how he said that he did some mathematical calculations….I can picture him with a pencil sitting at his desk dividing 50 billion by 6 billion and getting confused because he can’t remember how to long divide. Rexella is impressed by the math, she has problems ‘balancing the cheque book’. That doesn’t surprise me.

11:00 – Jack says “God created the worlds….what a God, what a saviour we have” Personally, I think God creating the immensely vast universe, and making us puny little specks stuck to one tiny part of it is kind of cruel. It’s like tying up the dog in the backyard and leaving a big chunk of meat just out of reach. Sure it’s entertaining for you, but think of the poor dog. I think God is a big sadistic jerk, who likes to tease us.

14:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!!! Are animals going to be in heaven??? Buy Jack’s DVD and find out!! Again, Jack says “yes”, I say, “I don’t want animals in heaven". Some animals like lions and tigers would make heaven a scary place, and I don’t really want to be watching my back for all eternity.

15:00 – Rexella says she has given the Animals in Heaven DVD to some of her friends who have lost pets. Hey Rexella, I have an idea, why not give your friend who lost a pet, oh, I don’t know, ANOTHER PET??? Pets are nice, but pets can be replaced, and not by a video. The video will only remind you that your dear Sparky is running around in puppy heaven, sniffing other dead pet’s asses wondering why it took him so long to dash out into a busy intersection.

16:00 – Oh, this is a good part. Do you know what happens when you take religion out of the schools??? Well, you get people showing up to class with bombs strapped to themselves!! Of course! It’s so obvious. If that messed up kid with the bombs had said the Lord’s prayer every morning before class started, instead of bringing bombs, he’d be skipping to school, whistling a happy tune, hoping to get to class a little early so that he could discuss the bible passages he read the night before with his classmates!

16:30 – Jack says that the schools have gone down the crapper since they took bibles out of schools. Well, where else can we routinely find bibles??? In hotel rooms maybe? Well, if that’s not proof positive that the bible prevents immoral indecent acts then I don’t know what is!!!

22:46 – Jack’s prayer. Hee hee, he’s so serious. Save me Jack! Save me!!!

24:00 – Question of the week!! Is killing terror leaders wrong?? Suicide bombers are told that they will get 72 virgins when they get to heaven. Jack says (referring to a recent incident where a 16 year old boy surrendered with a bunch of bombs strapped to himself), “a 16 year old boy wouldn’t even know what to do with 72 virgins”. Jack, I think you’d be surprised. You know, a lot of 16 year old boys aren’t at home on Friday nights practicing the accordion. Unless of course by “practicing the accordion” you mean, “practicing the accordion” if you know what I mean...
The bible says “Thou shalt not kill”. But then Jack says murderers should be put to death!! But Jack, isn’t that killing?? Uh oh, it doesn’t say “thou shalt not kill….unless you think it’s justified”. By that rationale, the guy who doesn’t agree that the killer should be killed could come and kill you! That would not be good. The only good thing about that is that the dude who killed you would be next in line.

26:06 – OFFER OF THE WEEK!! They just sent George W Bush a copy of the video because his dog just died. Oh, that’s sweet. Jack says that the animals will be in heaven. Well, thanks Jack, why would I buy your tape now? You just told me what I wanted to know!!!

And finally, God cares for me, and so does Rexella. That’s a relief.