Has it come to this???

While watching Average Joe 2, it came up that my luck with women has been less than exceptional. After thinking that my chances of getting my own tv show are pretty slim, I thought, well, what are my other options? Actually going out and trying to meet someone?? Please, the obvious answer is a mail order bride!!!
What's that? I'm being stupid you say? Hold on a sec, have you seen some of these women??? For example, Oksana, is a 23 year old, blond haired, blue eyed Russian girl.
Pros
Doesn't smoke.
Doesn't drink.
She likes stuff.
She's hot.
Cons
English not so good.
Probably a communist.
Marina, is a 22 year old, blond haired, blue eyed girl from Kyrgystan.
Pros
Doesn't smoke.
Doesn't drink.
Proficient in English.
Cons
Claims that English is proficient, yet lists personal info as "Hello. I search my love. Maybe it is you?"
Only seems to like 40 year old men. Not 39, not 41, only 40!
Probably the biggest con: She looks like a cheap hooker. That and she's probably a communist.
Yana is a blond haired, blue eyed Russian girl.
Pros
Doesn't smoke.
Doesn't drink.
Wants to take care of her man.
Cons
Likes older men.
Basic English skills.
Seems pretty picky for a mail order bride. Maybe a little high maintenance. Probably feels she shouldn't have to wait in line for bread. And of course, the communist thing....
Lastly, we have
Marina F, a brown haired, brown eyed Ukrainian girl.
Pros
Doesn't smoke.
Not picky with the age.
She's hot.
Cons
Basic English skills (she likes to go to the forest???)
She drinks. (I probably would too if I were her.)
Red lipstick just screams communist.

Well, after careful deliberation, I feel that the only choice for me is Oksana. Although probably a communist, she's hot, and young, and can sort of speak English. Or at least she can look up a bunch of words in a Russian to English dictionary and put them in a list. Good work Oksana. If you put as much effort into our marriage as you did into your profile, I think I can safely say that this could be the beginning of something really special. I think I'll definitely add her to my cart.