Thursday, May 06, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!!!! (aired May 1, 2004)

From the world headquarters of Jack Van Impe Ministries (Jack’s basement). International news and in-depth analysis!! (if by in-depth you mean “whacked out references to the bible”)

Rexella still has the stupid glasses on.

2:50 – Rexella says that Protestant, Catholic and Orthodox denominations all preach the same stuff as Jack. She then goes through some of these prophecies and Jack spews some verses that agree with them. It’s nice that we all get along, but not so nice that they all agree with Jack. THAT must be a sign.

Lots of signs! Pestilence!! Earthquakes!! The Anti-Christ who Jesus will destroy to determine the undisputed ruler of the universe! It's a unification bout, no standing 8 count. They’re all signs!! A bolt of lightning from east to west will announce that the Lord has arrived!! That Don King sure knows how to put on a show.

7:35 – More signs.

9:25 – Jack says the world is never going to end. NEVER!! I know some astronomers who would disagree. I believe that in some enormous number of years the earth is going to be swallowed by the sun, and then the world WILL end. We’ll all be cooked. Actually, we’ll all probably be long dead, so there won’t be anyone here to realize that taking the bible literally was a waste of a good life. Unless we're all living on Mars.

10:00 - Ooooh, headlines!! Uh oh,”Mother God would enable more freedom!!” I doubt Jack likes the idea of a mother God… Rexella says, “Mother Gawd? Mother Gawd?” She seems so baffled by that statement. How could anyone with half a brain possibly think something that isn’t in the bible?? Jack says, “Our FATHER who art in Heaven. Unto us a child is born, unto us a SON is given.” Ain’t no room for no mother God. ‘HE’, ‘HE’, ‘HE’….the bible refers to God as He, therefore it is true.

14:46 – Again, Jack proves the bible is true by finding some bible passages that say so. :-(

15:30 - Jack proves that the bible is the word of God by quoting a bunch of numbers, and comparing 24800 direct manuscripts of the bible in existence. Compare them, they are the same. Whoa, more whacked out ‘evidence’ that doesn’t make any sense. You might want to check out this part. Jack is proud of his proof. I think he’s an idiot who only proved that he’s a nut.

Finally, there’s a new OFFER OF THE WEEK!!!! The Baptism of the Holy Spirit?? That’s not half as interesting as “Animals in Heaven”.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! Is the end imminent??? Well, Jack doesn’t believe the world is going to end, for at least another 1000 years!! World is going to end? That’s just ridiculous!! The earth even after 1000 years will never end. The meek inherit the earth for ever and ever. Of his kingdom there will be no end. QED!! Signed sealed and delivered, Jack has once again proven that the world will never end. Sun swallowing the earth in a umpteen billion years?? Hogwash. Bible don’t make no reference to that so it will NEVER happen. It’s just baloney. Sheer baloney.

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