Monday, May 31, 2004

Jack Van Impe (aired May 22)

From the world headquarters of Jack Van Impe Ministries (Jack’s basement). International news and in-depth analysis!! (if by in-depth you mean “whacked out references to the bible”)

Yes!! We start off with a joke. A woman is speaking to her soon-to-be husband and she insists that he not open ‘this box’ until after she dies.... ah forget it, this joke is crap. I'll just write the punchline.

That $25 000 is for all the doilies I sold!

Trust me, make up your own joke, it'll be funnier than the actual one.

10:50 – One of Jack’s big prophecies is that Russia is going to march into Israel. Now, Rexella was in Jerusalem at some point and she asked people if they thought Israel and Russia were going to have a war. Half of them said “yes”, half of them said, “I don’t know.” Man, if that’s not in depth analysis, I don’t know what is.

11:31 – Jack comments on the fact that the Americans had to pull troops out of North Korea and send them to Iraq. He then says that Clinton lost the nuclear code during his affair with Monica Lewinsky. He then says that without this code, there would have been no way to intercept a nuclear missile fired at the US. Moral of this particular story? Sex is bad, especially outside of a marriage, ESPECIALLY with a chubby intern.

12:30 – Hey! We can’t afford to take men out of North Korea because they DO have nuclear weapons and “God only knows what will happen in the future.” I’m a little confused by this, because the whole point of this show is to say that Christ is basically on His way, so who cares what happens in North Korea?? I say, “Nuke ‘em, all” I’m going to be lounging around in heaven with all my dead pets, and all your dead pets, and every other dead animal that you’ve ever seen. That dead raccoon on the side of the road? Yup, he’ll be there, of course the tire marks won’t be there and all his internal organs will be back on the inside, just like God intended.

Jack’s pretty excited about being alive to see all these signs, because if he were dead, he'd be in heaven, and well, I guess in Jack's mind, that would be a bad thing.

23:00 – Jack’s prayer. Rexella says that if we prayed it, God will have heard us. I wonder if God heard us laughing hysterically and questioning his very existence?


Iraq – How did it come to this?

Hmmmm, a few headlines about the Iraqi prisoner fiasco. Ha ha!! Jack says co-ed basic training is “nothing but a whore house”. He says that there is alcohol, drugs, and sex galore over there. Hmmm, kind of makes me want to join the army. Too bad I’m Canadian. Why is all that happening? Well, it’s because they’ve taken the bible out of the schools. Of course! Actually, Jack doesn’t say anything about the prisoner abuse, it’s all about the sex. I guess the bible doesn’t say anything about loving thy neighbour as thyself. Unmarried sex makes Jesus cry, and if you’re going to be fighting an immoral war over oil, and you’re going to be killing any Iraqi that gets in your way, for the love of God, keep it in your pants, you sick perverts!!

That’s it.

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