In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and blah, blah, you know the rest...

Rexella is talking about some letters she has received about the Animals in Heaven DVD. Oooh, there’s a little cat curled up on the DVD. What does that mean? Nothing at all, cats’ll lie on any old piece of crap. Jack quotes some passages about “all flesh shall see the salvation of God”, and Animals have flesh so they'll be in heaven. That’s a bit of a stretch Jack. Murderous killers have flesh too. Will they see the salvation of God???

3:00 - Rexella shows some political cartoons about Kerry and Bush. They’re not funny. But wait!! Jack says something funny. He says when he was in college he decided to memorize the dictionary but he only got through “A”. That’s ok though because “if his annunciations and articulations are abundantly augmented by “A” one will allude to his association with Webster’s amalgamation of alphabetical arrangement and automatically alter his approach.”!! Ha! That’s funny, because he used a bunch of big “A” words and anyone who argued with him would think he knew a lot of other big words starting with other letters as well and then they’d think twice about questioning him! Funny! Rexella is really enjoying this, although I can’t help but think that she’s probably heard that one a thousand times before.

14:30 - “End times preaching is religious terrorism”. 7 things that promote religious terrorism is the article. Jack is going to comment on each one!!
1. The Anti-Christ.
2. The Armageddon.
3. The End times.
4. The Final Judgement.
5. The Rapture.
6. The Tribulation.
7. The Revelation.

Jack basically says that if all that says, “terrorism”, then the bible is a terroristic book. I’m a little disappointed in his rebuttal. I guess maybe because he found some bible passages relating to each one, we’re supposed to come to the conclusion that it’s not religious terrorism it's just the way it is.

Question of the week. Please comment on the “Rapture Racket”. Well, Did John Darby and ‘some retarded girl’ come up with the idea of the rapture in 1830? (He actually referred to her as 'some retarded girl', I don’t know if she actually was retarded, or if Jack just doesn’t think much of her) Jack says that is so much baloney!!! Jack goes on to prove his point in the same old way. Since the word ‘rapture’ doesn’t appear in the bible, he has to interpret a number of passages in a goofy sort of way and of course the conclusion is that he’s right, everyone else is wrong, so PRAISE JESUS all you heathen, soon-to-be-sent-to-hell-for-all-eternity ignorant bastards!!

Back to the crappy offer of the week. Something about the holy spirit. Rexella says I need it. I’m not sure I do, but I don’t like them threatening me. That sounds like religious terrorism to me...
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You've all seen the annoying commercial where the woman shows up for lunch with her girlfriends and something is different.... She must have a new man they conclude. Well, the truth is, her confidence is soaring because her teeth are whiter!!(thanks of course to Crest Whitestrips) Well, that woman could be ME! I've always wondered if these teeth whiteners work (especially Crest Whitestrips), so now I'm going to find out. I took a before picture, and after 14 days, I'll take another and compare. They give some whitening tips too, number 6 is my favourite.

Use Crest Whitestrips with a friend or family member. Mike and Julie say, "We use Crest Whitestrips together. That way we can remind each other to use them."

Wow, what an exciting couple they must be. And if you're wondering why I wrote Crest Whitestrips so many times, well, I want to show up on Google when someone searches for Crest Whitestrips. Crest Whitestrips, Crest Whitestrips, Crest Whitestrips, can't say it enough. |

Because the last movie I saw was Van Helsing, in comparison, this movie was superb. The 3 hours went by pretty quickly and it was entertaining. Parts were pretty dumb, they didn't really develop the characters, and there were a lot of shirtless sweaty men, but despite these things, it was decent. Brad Pitt really isn't a very good actor either. I give it a 6 out of 10. |

This is truly the world's most demanding sport. CHESS BOXING!!!. If it's even real....I'm not sure what to make of this...

"Ok champ, by the mobility of a piece I mean the number of squares accessible to it. A Bishop or a Rook which stands in an unobstructed file is obviously worth more than one whose sphere of action is limited on account of its way being blocked. This does not mean, however, that a Bishop or a Knight to whom, at a certain moment, three or four squares are accessible, is more valuable than a Rook who at the same moment can go only to one or two squares!"






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In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell. This week's topic? Who knows? Same as every week.

Actually, the morons at Jack's website have posted last week's show again. It's kind of hard to tell, as all these shows are the same. It's also kind of sad that I recognized the fact that it's the same as last week's. :-(

Well, I guess I'll make fun of them anyways.

"I once caught a fish THIS big!!! Now, I could only feed Rexella and myself, but JESUS could have fed 5000 people (John 5:6-14)! Imagine that! When Christ returns (in a few years, if I’m not mistaken) He’d be a fool not to open a restaurant. He’d call it “Christ, that’s good Eatin’ ” Or, “Jesus' Fish and Chips, come for fish, stay for the salvation”. "




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It's that time of the week again!! Maxim's "Beat this Caption". Now, to think of a stupid pun involving monkeys....

How about:

Good-byes after conjugal visits are always hard. (Although I kind of stole that one from my sister.)

or

Tarzan say, "Cheetahs never win"

That's as good as it's getting tonight....






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Last week's winner. Who ordered the Jim and Tonic? |

I try to steer clear of issues like this, basically because I don't do much research, and don't like being called an idiot, but this headline:

Bush Sees New Abuse Photos With 'Disgust'

is stupid. Ooooh, Bush sees new abuse photos with disgust. Me too George, I'm SHOCKED!!! Could this possibly happen in an AMERICAN army? Aren't they the good guys?? Aren't they the pillars of justice, and bringers of freedom, and aren't they compassionate, kind and gentle to their Iraqi prisoners? Of course not!! Why would they be??? Anyone who is surprised that this goes on is living in a fantasy world. Snap out of it people!! Bush is not 'disgusted' by these photos. Disgusted that they made it to the press maybe. Disgusted that Ms. Lynndie England is dumb enough to pose for photographs maybe. Disgusted that he has to deal with it now.

I like this article, thanks to Tainted Glass for finding it.

TRAILER-PARK GIRL IN THE EYE OF THE STORM

Colleen Kesner, a local in her home town, said: "To the country boys here, if you're a different nationality, a different race, you're sub-human. That's the way that girls like Lynndie are raised.

"Tormenting Iraqis, to their mind, would be no different from shooting a turkey."

Who's Colleen Kesner? Who cares? But she knows what Joe "Country Bumpkin" American is like. Lynndie England, leaves the trailer park to venture out on an exciting journey to IRAQ!! That's further away than the county line (which was probably the furthest away from home she'd ever been). This is what happens when you take an ignorant, redneck trailer park dweller, and give them power over people who they feel superior too. What can be done about this?? Nothing. People will always find ways to harass and torment people who they don't see as equal, and I'd be pretty comfortable in saying that Ms. England doesn't see anything wrong with what she did. She's probably confused about why everyone is making such a big deal about it. These are the types of people who want to be prison guards in the army. I can't imagine it's the type of job that appeals to the educated, well adjusted compassionate people of the world. The saddest thing about this? She's 4 months pregnant, and that kid will think the exact same way that she does. Like father like son..... |

Don't go see this movie! I implore you. It is CRAP. Words can't really express how bad this movie is. Well, some words can, for example, awful, abominable, amiss, atrocious, awful, bad, beastly, blah, bottom out, bummer, careless, cheap, cheesy, crappy, cruddy, crummy, defective, deficient, diddly, dissatisfactory, downer, dreadful, erroneous, fallacious, faulty, garbage, ghastly, god-awful, gross, grungy, horrid, icky, imperfect, inadequate, incorrect, inferior, junky, lousy, not good, off, pathetic, poor, raunchy, rough, sad, scuzzy, shockingly repellent, slipshod, stinking, substandard, the pits, terrible, unacceptable, unsatisfactory.

Having said that, there were a few good things about this movie....no, wait, there weren't. It just plain sucked. No plot, no dialogue, bad editing, bad directing, bad special effects. It appears that minimal effort was put into making this movie decent. The fact that it's going to make money makes me sad.

I give it 1/10, simply because Kate Beckinsale is so hot. If it were just her sitting in a chair reading for 2 hours, I'd give it a 3/10. It'd still be weak on plot and dialogue, but you wouldn't want to gouge your eyes out when it was over.

In case you don't believe me:

Sucky Review 1
Sucky Review 2
Sucky Review 3 |

This pisses me off. Why must we put advertisements on EVERYTHING? We have enough advertisements around us ALL THE TIME, why on earth do we have to put Spiderman ads on bases? This has to end!

The promotion, announced Wednesday, is part of baseball's pitch to appeal to younger fans.

How? Who, other than the players and people watching tv, are going to see these ads on the bases? If young fans are going to the game solely because there's a Spiderman ad on a base, then the sport is dead. If you want the sport to appeal to younger fans, make it easier for families to go. Decrease the ticket prices, make the players available for autographs and pictures. We should go to the game to see our 'heroes' running the bases, not to see super heroes ON the bases. |

From the world headquarters of Jack Van Impe Ministries (Jack’s basement). International news and in-depth analysis!! (if by in-depth you mean “whacked out references to the bible”)

Rexella still has the stupid glasses on.

2:50 – Rexella says that Protestant, Catholic and Orthodox denominations all preach the same stuff as Jack. She then goes through some of these prophecies and Jack spews some verses that agree with them. It’s nice that we all get along, but not so nice that they all agree with Jack. THAT must be a sign.

Lots of signs! Pestilence!! Earthquakes!! The Anti-Christ who Jesus will destroy to determine the undisputed ruler of the universe! It's a unification bout, no standing 8 count. They’re all signs!! A bolt of lightning from east to west will announce that the Lord has arrived!! That Don King sure knows how to put on a show.

7:35 – More signs.

9:25 – Jack says the world is never going to end. NEVER!! I know some astronomers who would disagree. I believe that in some enormous number of years the earth is going to be swallowed by the sun, and then the world WILL end. We’ll all be cooked. Actually, we’ll all probably be long dead, so there won’t be anyone here to realize that taking the bible literally was a waste of a good life. Unless we're all living on Mars.

10:00 - Ooooh, headlines!! Uh oh,”Mother God would enable more freedom!!” I doubt Jack likes the idea of a mother God… Rexella says, “Mother Gawd? Mother Gawd?” She seems so baffled by that statement. How could anyone with half a brain possibly think something that isn’t in the bible?? Jack says, “Our FATHER who art in Heaven. Unto us a child is born, unto us a SON is given.” Ain’t no room for no mother God. ‘HE’, ‘HE’, ‘HE’….the bible refers to God as He, therefore it is true.

14:46 – Again, Jack proves the bible is true by finding some bible passages that say so. :-(

15:30 - Jack proves that the bible is the word of God by quoting a bunch of numbers, and comparing 24800 direct manuscripts of the bible in existence. Compare them, they are the same. Whoa, more whacked out ‘evidence’ that doesn’t make any sense. You might want to check out this part. Jack is proud of his proof. I think he’s an idiot who only proved that he’s a nut.

Finally, there’s a new OFFER OF THE WEEK!!!! The Baptism of the Holy Spirit?? That’s not half as interesting as “Animals in Heaven”.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! Is the end imminent??? Well, Jack doesn’t believe the world is going to end, for at least another 1000 years!! World is going to end? That’s just ridiculous!! The earth even after 1000 years will never end. The meek inherit the earth for ever and ever. Of his kingdom there will be no end. QED!! Signed sealed and delivered, Jack has once again proven that the world will never end. Sun swallowing the earth in a umpteen billion years?? Hogwash. Bible don’t make no reference to that so it will NEVER happen. It’s just baloney. Sheer baloney.
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For those of you who may not remember, read this (pay special attention to the last line). Am I psychic?? No, of course not, just realistic. I'm almost looking forward to listening to the excuses the radio stations come up with tomorrow for this unbelievable upset.

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Well, I've decided to return to the wonderful world of Maxim's "Beat this Caption". I took a few weeks off after my glorious win. Haven't gotten my prize yet either.....

I was thinking something along the lines of

"Optical Illusions: Some people see a glass, some see 2 faces, but if you look real close you can see an old bald guy."

I think that's too 'high brow' though. Maybe,

"I only need to wear it when I'm reading"

implying that it's a reading glass, or

"After dinner, Grandpa didn't notice that he had something on his lip."

Man, I'm so funny!! I can't decide which one to submit. |

If you search for "Jack Van Impe" "Animals in Heaven", on AOL Search the top 5 sites are all mine!!! I pity the poor bastard who actually wants to find that DVD. Their poor dog is dead, and all they can find are my Jack Van Impe reviews. If only I could ease their pain... |

ESPN.com has put together a list of the most demanding sports. They rate
them in terms of a number of criteria. See the page for a list and their explanations.

What do they say is the most demanding sport?? Boxing. Ice hockey is second, football third, basketball fourth. I don't know about you, but I think this list is messed up. They list baseball/softball in the top ten. I like baseball, but it's not all that demanding. Any sport a big fat guy can excel at, in my opinion isn't all that demanding. I dislike soccer a lot, but I'd still say it's more demanding than baseball, and basketball for that matter. They stacked the basketball score. Stupid Americans, can't admit that a sport they love is wussy. They also rate skateboarding above rowing. I've 'rowed' on a rowing machine before, and it's hard. Skateboarding harder than rowing?? I can't imagine. The 'NERVE' category shouldn't even be a category. Who says that the highdiver has to overcome any fear? Why do we assume that they're afraid? Pretty subjective if you ask me. I personally think hockey is more demanding than boxing, but then again, I've never boxed. I don't have the nerve.... |

Ich habe beachtet, daß es viele deutsche Suchen nach "Nobuhiro Sugawara" auf Google gibt. Es gibt eine Verbindung zu ihr unten. Danke für vorbei stoppen. Ich weiß, daß die Übersetzung schlecht ist, aber bitte eine Anmerkung läßt (COMMENT). Danke!! |

Tonight, while driving home, I noticed that the price of gas had skyrocketed up to 84.5 cents/litre!! Now, I personally don't really care how much gas costs. When I need it, I buy it. Anyways, the next gas station I came across (about 30 seconds down the road) was also 84.5 cents/litre. Now, the NEXT one was only, get this, 73.5 cents/litre!! Oh....my....goodness!! Do you know what that means?? Well, nothing to me, but for a large number of people it meant lining up and crowding into this gas station trying to take advantage of 'cheap' gas. I find this annoying, mainly because, if you think about it, 30 litres of gas, at a saving of 12 cents/litre, is less than $4. Is it really worth lining up for, for sake of argument, 20 minutes, idling in the street to save $4?? I don't think so. I suppose for some it might be, but I can't really imagine someone being so hard up that they 'needed' to save $4 in gas. What happens to them when the average price increases to 84.5 cents/litre? Do they start selling all their worldly possessions in order to fill up their Expedition's gas tank? Those poor, poor people. |

Ok, don't say I don't care about all you little people. I have had numerous hits from Google searching for the Nobuhiro Sugawara video of him scoring on his own net. In case you don't know, he's a Japanese hockey player playing in the World Championships. Now, when I first heard this, I thought, "well, he was probably trying to clear it, and accidentally shot it into his own net". Nope, he shot it right in, and thought he scored afterwards as he immediately threw his arms up in the air. His excitement quickly turned into embarassment when he realized what he had done. It is priceless. Anyways, since there seemed to be some interest, I went and found it. The title is "Sugawarův vlastní gól poslal Japonsko do boje o záchranu". It's at the bottom of the page, you'll have to scroll down. If the link doesn't work, right click and open in new window seems to. You'll have to watch the other goals for about 25 seconds, but it's well worth the wait. Enjoy!! |

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell. This week's topic? Who knows? Same as every week.

0:51 – Ha ha ha, Rexella is wearing crazy pink glasses! Man, she looks stupid. They’re huge, kinda like Elton John’s old ones. No, she’s not trying to be glamorous, she had eye surgery. Whatever the reason, she looks ridiculous.

11:00 - Oh yippee! The Animals in Heaven offer has been extended ONE WEEK!! Hurry up, if you’ve somehow managed to suppress the urge to buy this video, it’s not too late!

You know, after watching this show for a while now, I’ve kind of noticed that they’re all the same. Jack is a raving lunatic, Rexella is a ditz, and most of the time she doesn’t even read the headline correctly. Jack lives on the unwavering hope that Jesus is coming to take him away.
AND, the whole point of this show is that Jack truly believes that the Lord is coming!! Well, why wouldn’t he? Everything in the news has a bible passage corresponding to it that links it to the second coming of Christ! Oh, it’s an exciting time. AIDS, terrorism, asteroids, earthquakes, etc. all mean that Christ is coming. Well, I have a question for Jack, you can find stuff like this pretty much every decade for the past 2000 years!! Christ passed up those opportunities for a visit, why does he think this year, or this decade is any different?? I’m sure Jack’s father was convinced that the A-bomb, and the Holocaust were sure signs that Christ was coming, and I’m sure Jack’s father’s father thought the same thing. Polio and the plague were worse than AIDS for killing people, asteroids have been around before, terrorism and violence??? Yeah, I think history has had some sporadic violent outbursts. Basically every bible passage that can be associated with a current event can also be associated with about 1000 other events that have happened before. Jack’s a nut. How this show remains on the air I’ll never know.

Oh man, get this. Someone actually wrote to Jack saying that she was all torn up inside because she didn’t want some heathen “unsafe person” to look after her dog after the Lord comes and she gets ‘raptured away’. She was so burdened. Well good news, you freak, the dog goes with you!!! I can’t imagine anyone losing any sleep over what happens to little Sparky when the Lord comes to take them away. What would it be like to know someone like that? Do they need the bible to function? How do you live your life according to some weird old book? Why would you do that? Why do we give them a tv show? Why do we give them our hard earned money?

Anyways, Rexella's glasses are priceless, you should at least check them out....
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It's World Championship hockey time again! That means that the NHL players who aren't sulking over a crappy season head out to represent Canada (or wherever they're from) in the World Championships. We don't usually have a great team, basically because the play-offs get in the way, and a lot of our best players can't make it. Anyways, if you look at the standings, Canada is third behind Austria and Switzerland, and has scored fewer goals than both. Yikes. We did manage to beat France this morning, but that's not saying much.

Other Games:

Latvia 3, Khazahkstan 1



Look at the goalie for Khazahkstan! Hey guy, the goalie STOPS the puck. I think they pick the goalie before the game by throwing sticks. Judging by this picture, Latvia didn't have many more than 3 shots on net...

Denmark 4, Japan 3



Defenseman Nobuhiro Sugawara (pictured above being congratulated by team Denmark), accidentally shot the puck straight into the yawning Japanese net after a nice move and centering pass from Bo Nordby Andersen.

"Unfortunately that part of the game could happen to any one of us," said Japan's Chris Bright.

Huh? So you all suck?

That's pretty funny... Anyways, GO CANADA!!! |

Who knows? I know arguing about it is a waste of time, as most people have pretty firm beliefs one way or the other, and no set of points or arguments is going to sway them. Some say the fetus is equivalent to a child, so they have the same rights. Others say, they don't have rights, the mom has the 'power' over her body, and until the "it" is born it's mom's call. What about rape? Incest? Does that change anything? Personally, I think abortion is a pretty weak form of birth control, and one probably shouldn't put herself into that situation by being irresponsible. Having said that, I can't imagine 'forcing' a woman to have a child when she really doesn't want to. I'm pretty sure that her right to decide outweighs an unborn fetus' right to 'live'. I'm all for the morning after pill, I imagine some people think that's wrong. Who knows? |

Well, I've taken blogging to a whole new level. Now I have pictures!! I'd say my golf swing looks pretty good. What I didn't document with a picture was the 10 minutes I spent looking for that ball in the woods. Stupid golf.... |

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell. This week's topic? Who knows? Same as every week.

Jack says that a 104 year old parrot, described as ‘Nazi cursing’ may not get into heaven. I’m not sure why he says that, especially since he’s been pushing that Animals in Heaven DVD for the past few months. Actually, Jack has mentioned parrots in previous shows. Hmmm, parrots are animals that just regurgitate possibly meaningless words or sentences and don’t really have any intelligent thoughts at all. They just repeat the same things over and over again, whether it makes sense or not. I think Jack and the parrot have a lot in common.
Jack says that sales of the Animals in Heaven DVD will beat all records in history. I don’t think so Jack. Deep Throat probably sold more copies….

Jack spends a lot of time this episode bashing pastors and ministers who maybe stray a little bit from the conventional way of preaching. They introduce ‘fun’ things to try to draw people in, and maybe focus less on all the hell and sin talk. Jack claims they’re all going to hell, and they won’t be born again with talk like that. Well, Jack, I think you’re an idiot. If you’re going to focus your displeasure at a group, why not make it a group who doesn’t even go to church? Or people who kill people? That’s arguably worse than a minister who doesn’t teach exactly what you do… Dork.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK??? Where was god on 9/11?? Who knows? Probably watching CNN like the rest of us.
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When Conan O'Brien was in Toronto a few months back, I watched the shows. I like Conan O'Brien, I think he's a funny guy, and it was good to see him come to Canada for a week. I'm sure the ratings were crap in the States, but he did it anyways. Regardless, what does this have to do with the Leafs you ask? WELL, of the 4 nights Conan was here, how many do you think contained individuals repeatedly yelling out "GO LEAFS!!"?? Did I hear anyone say all four?? Conan wasn't talking about hockey, the show had little to do with hockey, why on earth do Torontonians feel the need to yell "GO LEAFS!" at a non-hockey venue?? Am I wrong in saying that the Leafs shouldn't be on someone's mind while they are watching a Conan O'Brien show? It doesn't make sense, and typically, things that don't make sense bother me. Do you think that if Conan were in Ottawa the audience would have repeatedly interrupted him with "GO SENS!!", or if in Montreal, "GO HABS!!"? No, of course not. Why would they? I was embarassed when watching those shows because it makes us out to be a bunch of slack-jawed, rowdys who don't think about anything but hockey. There is more to being Canadian than that. I'm a hockey fan, I like it, I watch it, but if I'm walking down the street at 2 pm, I'm not thinking, "Man, those LEAFS are great, my universe revolves around them, so I hope they make it the next round as without them my life has no meaning". |

YAY!! The Leafs won!!! They're going to win the Cup you know.... They are the best team ever put together by anyone, anytime, anywhere. If the Leafs had to play against a team of all Wayne Gretzkys, with a few Mario Lemieuxs, and they were shooting on a net that was filled in with bricks then they'd still win, because they're the best team EVER!!! Just like last year, and the year before. |

This site is pretty cool. I'm sure you can really piss off the religious types with this. |

Habs win! Habs win! Take that Boston!! |