In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
1:00 – Rexella watched the Democratic Convention for the fashion. Well, she seems to be pretty fashionable herself, with a jacket that could only have come from the Salvation Army. Now she’s commenting on the different hair styles. Now Jack points out that Kerry and Edwards have nothing on Jack and Chuck’s hair. Damn, they’re stylin’!!
3:10 – Rexella comments on the fact that some people send letters thanking them for the humour at the beginning of the show. They like to start off light because of the seriousness of the show. Seriousness of the show?! THAT is funny!!
5:47 – Rexella wonders if we can have peace in a troubled world?? I think she means peace of mind, because the gibberish that follows all points to the fact that there is no reason to think that the world should be troubled. "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me". Anyone who feels troubled obviously isn't reading their bible! God is with you, you have no reason to feel troubled. Pay the hydro bill? Nonsense, God will look after that. And when the hydro company calls you asking about the payment, just say, “It’s ok, God is taking care of it, don’t worry.” Then when you’re sitting around in the dark, you can thank God for taking such good care of you. It's all part of His plan, just keep sitting there in the dark. God'll pay the gas and water bills too. Don't worry.
8:41 – Ooooh, a profound headline!! “9/11 panel finds deep failings in security”. No shit. I could have told you that, and I wouldn’t have needed help from a panel.
9:00 – Bin Laden’s goal is to kill 4 million Americans. Well, it’s good to set lofty goals, I’d say.
9:10 – Lots of fear mongering here. Lots of headlines saying “YOU ARE NOT SAFE!!” Jack says that indeed, we are not safe. Again, I don’t really get this. Just a second ago Jack said that when Jesus comes the dead will first be taken up to be with him, then the living will be swept up in the twinkling of an eye!! My question is, if, dead or alive, you’re going to meet Jesus (any day now, if Jack’s not mistaken) then who cares what happens?? Does it really matter if Bin Laden kills 4 million Americans? No, of course not. Dead or alive, you’re going to be taken up with Jesus!! The heathens who aren’t raptured away are going to face 7 years of tribulation, which, if I’ve learned anything from this show, is probably worse than some kooky Saudi making idle threats about killing Americans.
12:00 – Jack explains that he’s God’s instrument whose purpose is to warn us of the impending doom. Jack just admits that he’s been warning people for 50 years, and 50 years have gone by, and, unless I’m mistaken, Jesus didn’t make no visit on a cloud.
13:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s about the Olympics. I’m just going out on a limb here, but I can’t imagine that Jack likes the Olympics (or at least he shouldn’t). Oh wait, he does. Hmmm, it seems to be paralleling the Olympics with life, and that you should live life with integrity and that awards await the faithful. Just like the Olympics, drug users never really win, and I suppose that Christians who don’t live ‘correctly’ will not win in the end either. Of course, God forgives us in the end, so screw ‘em all.
16:29 – More spreading of fear.
25:00 – Jack concludes that there will be a nuclear war because “fire, smoke and brimstone” are mentioned in Revelations and they are the "exact results of a nuclear war." What about the neutrons Jack? What about the neutrons? God surely knew what he used to build his humans, and what would come flying out when you fuse tritium and deuterium. Why wouldn’t the bible say something to the effect of “And neutrons will be spewed forth at a furious rate, and all that heat will burn the hell out of you.”
25:41 – Rexella says, “we can all be winners, if we run the race right”. Well, that’s not true. That’s loser talk. There is only one winner, if everyone won, it wouldn’t be much of a race, now would it?? Second place is the first loser, end of story.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Here's a riddle...
What do you get when you cross a slack-jawed, possibly high-school educated, red neck with a complicated piece of machinery that requires rigorous quality assurance to ensure public safety?? Give up?? You get the very reason that I wouldn't ever go on a ride at the CNE if you paid me.
"We can't speculate on what happened because everything happened so fast,'' Alfie Philips, the president of Conklin Shows.
That's a pretty stupid statement. You can always speculate, for example, someone with an IQ of 75 was trying to determine whether a nut should be tight or loose, then they saw a squirrel and then their hunger kicked in and they chased it. When they came back, they'd forgotten about that nut, and moved on to much more important issues, like what goes good with squirrel. Mmmmm, squirrel...
"We can't speculate on what happened because everything happened so fast,'' Alfie Philips, the president of Conklin Shows.
That's a pretty stupid statement. You can always speculate, for example, someone with an IQ of 75 was trying to determine whether a nut should be tight or loose, then they saw a squirrel and then their hunger kicked in and they chased it. When they came back, they'd forgotten about that nut, and moved on to much more important issues, like what goes good with squirrel. Mmmmm, squirrel...
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Hey Buddy, Spare some change??
While wandering around downtown today, I was reminded that I don't know how I feel about homeless people. Are they crazy because they're homeless? Or are they homeless because they're crazy? Do I not give them money because they're just going to spend it on booze and smokes? Or do I give them money to spend on booze and smokes because it will make their already miserable lives that much more tolerable? I'm leaning towards the second option lately. Who am I to tell them how to spend their money? I have too much, they have none, by ignoring them, am I really doing anyone a service?? I say, give the bum some change, especially if they can do an amusing trick, or have a clever sign.
Friday, September 03, 2004
I was wondering...
Does wanting any number of things on this page make me a big nerd?? I think it probably does, I just wanted a second opinion.
Sunday, August 29, 2004
And you thought Canadian Idol was bad...
Yes, that's right, it's Arab Idol!!.
The two finalists were a Palestinian, Ammar Hassan, and a Libyan, Ayman al-A'tar. In a gripping final, that I imagine could only be made better by a lack-luster robotic commentary by Ben Mulroney, the people voted and Ayman al-A'tar won with a whopping 54% of the vote. Ammar Hassan may have suffered from his song choices, "Hey, I Can't Terrorize with that Wall There" and the chart topping power ballad, "I'm in Love with a Girl on the Bus, too Bad I'm Going to Blow Her Up".
The two finalists were a Palestinian, Ammar Hassan, and a Libyan, Ayman al-A'tar. In a gripping final, that I imagine could only be made better by a lack-luster robotic commentary by Ben Mulroney, the people voted and Ayman al-A'tar won with a whopping 54% of the vote. Ammar Hassan may have suffered from his song choices, "Hey, I Can't Terrorize with that Wall There" and the chart topping power ballad, "I'm in Love with a Girl on the Bus, too Bad I'm Going to Blow Her Up".
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Monday, August 23, 2004
Judge not, lest ye be judged.
All events where judging is required to determine a winner should be removed from the Olympics. There is always controversy. Ok, maybe that's too extreme, maybe there should be about 20 judges who all score an event, and then 5 or 6 are randomly chosen to count. Judges from the country of the athlete who is being judged will not be considered. Or, better yet, if there is a Canadian competing, there will be no Canadian judge at all. My sister had some good ideas too.
With respect to drugs, I say, if an American gets caught using drugs, then every American in the games is booted out. I'm all for punishing the entire country for one moron's poor judgement. Do you think people would still take drugs if they knew that the whole country would lose their medals if they got caught? I'm sure some would, but the country who produces that idiot deserves what they'd get. There's a ton of drug use still going on. The current methods of deterring it don't seem to be working.
While I'm ranting about the Olympics, the medal total should be divided by the total number of athletes that that country has competing, or by the total population of the country, or maybe by the budget that the country spends on their Olympic program. It would make the totals more meaningful. For example, if the States won 60 medals, and they had 300 athletes there, they'd get a score of 0.20. If Canada won 10 medals, but only had 50 athletes, we'd tie the States with a score of 0.20. I'm not looking at the actual numbers, so if this method still makes the States #1, I'll have to think of something else...
With respect to drugs, I say, if an American gets caught using drugs, then every American in the games is booted out. I'm all for punishing the entire country for one moron's poor judgement. Do you think people would still take drugs if they knew that the whole country would lose their medals if they got caught? I'm sure some would, but the country who produces that idiot deserves what they'd get. There's a ton of drug use still going on. The current methods of deterring it don't seem to be working.
While I'm ranting about the Olympics, the medal total should be divided by the total number of athletes that that country has competing, or by the total population of the country, or maybe by the budget that the country spends on their Olympic program. It would make the totals more meaningful. For example, if the States won 60 medals, and they had 300 athletes there, they'd get a score of 0.20. If Canada won 10 medals, but only had 50 athletes, we'd tie the States with a score of 0.20. I'm not looking at the actual numbers, so if this method still makes the States #1, I'll have to think of something else...
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 24)
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
5:14 – “A day with the Lord is as a thousand years, and a thousand years is as a day.” So, because God created the world in 6 days, and rested on the 7th day, the world will go on for 6000 years and then when the 7th day starts, the next 1000 years will be the 1000 days that Christ will spend here after he returns! Guess what?? We just started the 7000th year!! He’s coming soon!! This also means that the earth is only 6000 years old, which, as most people know, isn’t true.
17:00 – Science is truly amazing in so many areas says Rexella! Car goes 330 mph. Car runs on vegetable oil. 1.4 billion dollar spacecraft is heading towards Saturn. Hubble telescope spots planets. Wheelchair that runs on thought (I wish I could walk, I wish I could walk, hey, I’m moving!! – NOTE: I almost didn’t keep that in, is that too insensitive??).
“Smart pills make headway”, Rexella says that she could use some of those! No kidding. I’d love to see Jack’s show after he took some smart pills. “Jesus on a cloud?? Man, this book is whacked!!”
18:40 – We are told by the specialists who study space (I think they’re called astronomers, Jack) that there are 50 billion worlds out there. Jack then says that that isn’t hard for him to believe because the bible says Christ created the worlds PLURAL. This is pretty funny, because the same scientists who tell you about the planets will tell you that the earth is more than 6000 years old. Moron.
Math made easy by Jack!! The human brain has 100 billion cells and 50 000 connectors. For a total of 1000 million million connections (or 1 gajillion to the lay person) What does this mean? Take a dense forest that is one million square miles, take all the leaves from all the trees, and you have an idea of how many connectors are in a human’s brain. No you don’t. Saying there are 1000 million million leaves is just as hard to picture as saying there are 1000 million million connections in your brain. Jack, your kooky explanation didn’t help at all. Why not say, if you stacked a gajillion bibles on top of each other and took them to the sun, you’d be better off, as there wouldn’t be any bibles around here anymore.
24:00 – Jack’s prayer. Save me Jack! Save me!!
25:00 – The QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! Oh, it’s a good one. When a young man of someone’s church gets married, his friends take him to a strip club where he gets drunk. Of course, Christians don’t belong in strip clubs, so alternate ‘clean’ and ‘fun’ (read “boring”) activities are suggested. Everyone goes to strip clubs for bachelor parties, AND, if Jesus is omnipresent, then he’s ALWAYS at a strip club, actually, he’s always at EVERY strip club. Man, what a pervert. That's probably why he's always asking God for change...
Jesus - "Hey Dad, can I have 4 fives for a twenty?"
God - "What's with you and the five dollar bills?? And why do you smell funny??
26:20 – Well, Jack says all can be forgiven. That’s good news. I’ll beg for forgiveness in about 60 years. Why waste good years by begging for forgiveness now?? I pity the chump who doesn’t figure that one out.
28:00 – You’re headed in the right direction when you walk with God. Sure, whatever.
5:14 – “A day with the Lord is as a thousand years, and a thousand years is as a day.” So, because God created the world in 6 days, and rested on the 7th day, the world will go on for 6000 years and then when the 7th day starts, the next 1000 years will be the 1000 days that Christ will spend here after he returns! Guess what?? We just started the 7000th year!! He’s coming soon!! This also means that the earth is only 6000 years old, which, as most people know, isn’t true.
17:00 – Science is truly amazing in so many areas says Rexella! Car goes 330 mph. Car runs on vegetable oil. 1.4 billion dollar spacecraft is heading towards Saturn. Hubble telescope spots planets. Wheelchair that runs on thought (I wish I could walk, I wish I could walk, hey, I’m moving!! – NOTE: I almost didn’t keep that in, is that too insensitive??).
“Smart pills make headway”, Rexella says that she could use some of those! No kidding. I’d love to see Jack’s show after he took some smart pills. “Jesus on a cloud?? Man, this book is whacked!!”
18:40 – We are told by the specialists who study space (I think they’re called astronomers, Jack) that there are 50 billion worlds out there. Jack then says that that isn’t hard for him to believe because the bible says Christ created the worlds PLURAL. This is pretty funny, because the same scientists who tell you about the planets will tell you that the earth is more than 6000 years old. Moron.
Math made easy by Jack!! The human brain has 100 billion cells and 50 000 connectors. For a total of 1000 million million connections (or 1 gajillion to the lay person) What does this mean? Take a dense forest that is one million square miles, take all the leaves from all the trees, and you have an idea of how many connectors are in a human’s brain. No you don’t. Saying there are 1000 million million leaves is just as hard to picture as saying there are 1000 million million connections in your brain. Jack, your kooky explanation didn’t help at all. Why not say, if you stacked a gajillion bibles on top of each other and took them to the sun, you’d be better off, as there wouldn’t be any bibles around here anymore.
24:00 – Jack’s prayer. Save me Jack! Save me!!
25:00 – The QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! Oh, it’s a good one. When a young man of someone’s church gets married, his friends take him to a strip club where he gets drunk. Of course, Christians don’t belong in strip clubs, so alternate ‘clean’ and ‘fun’ (read “boring”) activities are suggested. Everyone goes to strip clubs for bachelor parties, AND, if Jesus is omnipresent, then he’s ALWAYS at a strip club, actually, he’s always at EVERY strip club. Man, what a pervert. That's probably why he's always asking God for change...
Jesus - "Hey Dad, can I have 4 fives for a twenty?"
God - "What's with you and the five dollar bills?? And why do you smell funny??
26:20 – Well, Jack says all can be forgiven. That’s good news. I’ll beg for forgiveness in about 60 years. Why waste good years by begging for forgiveness now?? I pity the chump who doesn’t figure that one out.
28:00 – You’re headed in the right direction when you walk with God. Sure, whatever.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
It's Coming Right at Me!!!
Look at that bear. Isn't nature beautiful?? It's so beautiful that I'd like to take it home with me and mount it on my wall as a constant reminder of how beautiful nature can be.
Hunters who hunt for fun are pansies. If you're a hunter, then I apologize (not really, you pansy) but shooting a defenseless animal that doesn't even know you're there is just weak. Everyone knows that humans are the dominant species on the planet, the fact that you have a high-powered rifle, and that you drove your 4x4 Explorer to the hunt should tell you that. Why not use your big brain and opposable thumbs for something a little more constructive than shooting animals? You'd better eat every last piece of that bear, and make a coat out of the fur or else I hope the bear gets you. Which leads me to this - if some stupid hunter manages to get himself attacked (or god forbid killed) by a bear, our first reaction is to go find and kill the bear. Why? I say, give that bear a medal. Give the bear a life-long exemption from being hunted. That bear is a hero. If you intrude on an animal's territory, and you manage to get yourself attacked, then you deserve it. You can't fault a bear for being a bear, and your big brain should have told you that there are risks involved in hunting big strong animals. Don't kill the bears for being bears. It's not fair.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 17)
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
1:00 - Rexella’s father taught them to be very patriotic. In case you missed a few weeks back, Rexella performed a moving rendition of God Bless America, which, as I recall, almost made me move my lunch back out onto the keyboard. Rexella has great admiration for the armed forces. Two army friends of the Van Impes are said to be “two of the most intelligent people Jack knows”. Not intelligent enough to stay out of the army though…
5:00 – Sun Myung Moon said that he was ‘the Saviour’ and ‘the Messiah’ when he was crowned in Washington. Well, that’s just crazy!! Jack lists a bunch of passages that say that the saviour’s name will be Jesus, not some Korean dude. What a nut!!! As a side note, in a 1997 sermon, Sun Myung Moon likened homosexuals to "dirty dung-eating dogs”, which is really uncalled for, as simply “dung-eating dogs” would have gotten the point across.
9:17 – Is Al Qaeda winning the war?? The terrorism will never end. It’s a world wide problem because the bible says it is. Don’t worry about it though, it’s all part of Jesus’ plan. It’s all documented in the bible people.
14:00 - The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! They’ve had to make an emergency order because they ran out. I guess 2 people ordered it.
16:36 – Rexella wishes that they could just have good news for us (as she just read a bunch of headlines about war and killing). Huh? This whole show is about how Jesus is coming. All the wars, all the killing, all the disease, they’re all SIGNS!! Signs pointing toward the coming of Jesus! If that’s not good news, then I don’t know what is. Jack is a little inconsistent sometimes. You’d think that someone with as many PhDs as Jack has wouldn’t be such a moron.
27:20 – The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! What impressed Jack most about that movie? Well, Jack says it doesn’t matter, because if you’re born again, you’ll be whisked away before all this tribulation crap happens. All the more reason to buy this tape people!!
28:00 – Rexella says, "The best reason for doing right today, is tomorrow." Huh? That doesn’t make sense. I say, tomorrow is a good reason for doing wrong today, because who knows what’ll happen tomorrow?? Maybe if you don’t get the sinning out of your system today, you’ll get hit by a bus tomorrow and then you’ll have missed out on all the fun.
1:00 - Rexella’s father taught them to be very patriotic. In case you missed a few weeks back, Rexella performed a moving rendition of God Bless America, which, as I recall, almost made me move my lunch back out onto the keyboard. Rexella has great admiration for the armed forces. Two army friends of the Van Impes are said to be “two of the most intelligent people Jack knows”. Not intelligent enough to stay out of the army though…
5:00 – Sun Myung Moon said that he was ‘the Saviour’ and ‘the Messiah’ when he was crowned in Washington. Well, that’s just crazy!! Jack lists a bunch of passages that say that the saviour’s name will be Jesus, not some Korean dude. What a nut!!! As a side note, in a 1997 sermon, Sun Myung Moon likened homosexuals to "dirty dung-eating dogs”, which is really uncalled for, as simply “dung-eating dogs” would have gotten the point across.
9:17 – Is Al Qaeda winning the war?? The terrorism will never end. It’s a world wide problem because the bible says it is. Don’t worry about it though, it’s all part of Jesus’ plan. It’s all documented in the bible people.
14:00 - The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! They’ve had to make an emergency order because they ran out. I guess 2 people ordered it.
16:36 – Rexella wishes that they could just have good news for us (as she just read a bunch of headlines about war and killing). Huh? This whole show is about how Jesus is coming. All the wars, all the killing, all the disease, they’re all SIGNS!! Signs pointing toward the coming of Jesus! If that’s not good news, then I don’t know what is. Jack is a little inconsistent sometimes. You’d think that someone with as many PhDs as Jack has wouldn’t be such a moron.
27:20 – The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! What impressed Jack most about that movie? Well, Jack says it doesn’t matter, because if you’re born again, you’ll be whisked away before all this tribulation crap happens. All the more reason to buy this tape people!!
28:00 – Rexella says, "The best reason for doing right today, is tomorrow." Huh? That doesn’t make sense. I say, tomorrow is a good reason for doing wrong today, because who knows what’ll happen tomorrow?? Maybe if you don’t get the sinning out of your system today, you’ll get hit by a bus tomorrow and then you’ll have missed out on all the fun.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Beat This Caption!!!
Well, I've returned to the wonderful world of Maxim's Beat this Caption!! AND, I finally got one of my books from winning! I notice they've changed the prize now too. Now it's an Xbox game. Pretty useless seeing as I don't have an Xbox, but if I win, they'd better damn well send it to me!
Hmmm, the one on the right kind of looks like George W...
With lower tolerance for performance enhancing drugs in the Olympics, you get less doping, but more dopes.
Let's make with the captions people!!
Saturday, August 07, 2004
I hate cell phones
I was going to write this right after Wimbledon, but I couldn't find a picture of Sharapova with that friggin' phone. That cell phone incident was disgraceful. You take a major tennis tournament, full of prestige and tradition, and you hold it up to try to call someone on a cell phone? Is there any situation that a cell phone can't ruin??
I hate cell phones. If you ever see me carrying one around for social purposes, I hereby give you permission to smack me. Everyone has one now. You can't go anywhere without seeing someone (or hearing someone) yapping on the phone. My question is this: Why do you need to be chatting with someone while you're at the grocery store? Why do you need to be chatting with someone while you're driving? The driving really pisses me off. Every time I see someone going 80 km/h in the fast lane, or drifting into my lane on the highway, they are invariably talking on a cell phone. Emergency purposes are the only reason I can think of for a cell phone to be in a car.
Are you really that important that you need to be contactable ALL THE TIME?? (The answer is 'no', you self centred pompous ass) Plus, what about being contactable ALL THE TIME is appealing? I know if I'm busy, then I'm busy, and if you want to get in touch with me, you call my house and leave a message. There is no reason I can think of where I would need to be immediately contactable.
Cell phones might just be the rudest invention I can think of. There is nothing more insulting than someone who takes a cell phone call while they're out with you. "I'm sorry, this call is more important than you, so I'm going to ditch you to talk into this little piece of crap." If you're thinking about taking that call, you might just as well hang a sign around your neck that says, "I'm a rude, inconsiderate dip-shit" because answering that call is equivalent to that sign.
**UPDATE**
Call waiting is another 'convenience' that is horribly abused. I think I hate call waiting as well. Any 'call waiting call' that takes longer than, "I'm on the other line, can I take a message?" is RUDE. End one call before you start another, and if it's not for you, then the person it's for CAN CALL BACK.
Monday, August 02, 2004
The Village
Well, before I start, I'd like to say that the butler did it. It's pretty obvious when you think about it...
Anyways, I think this movie is best summed up by some dude who was sitting behind us in the theatre:
"This movie is so gay."
(Keep in mind, that's from some teenage dude at the movie theatre. I wouldn't necessarily describe a heaping pile of crap as being gay.) I'm tired of M. Night Shyamalan's slow moving, 'thrillers' with bad acting and terrible writing that rely on an interesting twist at the end to make the movie half-way decent. I think Mr. Shyamalan should come up with the idea, then let a competent person write the script. Seriously, people were laughing at parts that were supposed to be serious, which, some people find annoying, but I couldn't help it, it was so dumb. He should have stopped at The Sixth Sense. His 'trademark endings' are growing a little weak too, especially because we all know it's coming, and we spend the whole movie trying to figure it out. I will admit though, that this movie has one of the freakiest scenes I've ever seen in a movie...followed, of course, by a stupid one, just to even it out.
On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best, 1 being Van Helsing, I give The Village a whopping 3, just because that one scene almost made me scream like a little girl.
Anyways, I think this movie is best summed up by some dude who was sitting behind us in the theatre:
"This movie is so gay."
(Keep in mind, that's from some teenage dude at the movie theatre. I wouldn't necessarily describe a heaping pile of crap as being gay.) I'm tired of M. Night Shyamalan's slow moving, 'thrillers' with bad acting and terrible writing that rely on an interesting twist at the end to make the movie half-way decent. I think Mr. Shyamalan should come up with the idea, then let a competent person write the script. Seriously, people were laughing at parts that were supposed to be serious, which, some people find annoying, but I couldn't help it, it was so dumb. He should have stopped at The Sixth Sense. His 'trademark endings' are growing a little weak too, especially because we all know it's coming, and we spend the whole movie trying to figure it out. I will admit though, that this movie has one of the freakiest scenes I've ever seen in a movie...followed, of course, by a stupid one, just to even it out.
On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best, 1 being Van Helsing, I give The Village a whopping 3, just because that one scene almost made me scream like a little girl.
Thursday, July 29, 2004
A Priest and a nun were in a car....
A priest and a nun were in a car...(I'm trying desperately to think of a joke, but I can't..)
Anyways,
A court in the capital Lilongwe handed down suspended jail sentences of six months with hard labour after the pair pleaded guilty to charges of idleness and disorderly conduct. The priest was reported as saying, "What's the problem?? I asked what kind of sex I could have, and I was told "Nun".
Officials in the Roman Catholic Church, whose priests are barred from sex or marriage, declined to comment, but were secretly ecstatic because it wasn't an 8 year old boy.
Amen to that, brother.
Anyways,
A court in the capital Lilongwe handed down suspended jail sentences of six months with hard labour after the pair pleaded guilty to charges of idleness and disorderly conduct. The priest was reported as saying, "What's the problem?? I asked what kind of sex I could have, and I was told "Nun".
Officials in the Roman Catholic Church, whose priests are barred from sex or marriage, declined to comment, but were secretly ecstatic because it wasn't an 8 year old boy.
Amen to that, brother.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 10)
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
1:00 - Rexella receives a PhD in journalism! Dr. Rexella Van Impe!! Whoa, Jack receives his 15th degree in prophetical studies!! Huh? While they’re making up degrees, I think I should get a PhD in sitting on my ass. Or maybe one in "making fun of prophetical studies". Dr. Paul…I like the sound of that.
3:45 – The Jack Van Impe Prophesy bible!! It’s an electronic organizer! I need one of these. The whole bible, Jack’s prophesy bible, the book of Revelations verse by verse, his 365 days of soul food for daily devotionals, his A-Z of Prophesy, his scripture memory program and 10385 bible verses that are coded are all in this little organizer. Jack says he can’t believe that they contacted him and wanted to put all that into this bible. That makes two of us, Jack.
4:44 – It seems like people are eating out more and more. Rexella says, “Whether it be Wendy’s or McDonalds, it’s always wonderful!” Wow, what a sophisticated palate she has!
5:00 - Our bodies are the temples of God. Keep ‘em clean for God. Rexella's interpretation of that is eating at McDonalds and Wendy's. I suppose having explosive diarrhea could possibly cleanse the body... Do smokers go to heaven? Yup, just sooner! (Ha, that’s actually pretty funny.)
7:30 - Terry Nichols killed 161 people in the Oklahoma City bombing. They’re letting him go because he became a Christian and they don’t believe in capital punishment. This man deserves to die! Exodus 20:13 says thou shalt not kill. But wait a minute though, turn the page!!…. “He that smites a man so that he dies should be put to death.” Well, that settles it. Kill Terry Nichols too, and we'll kill the man who smote Terry Nichols, and then the guy who killed him, etc. etc.
9:40 – Lots of talk about AIDS. I know where this is going. Pestilences through the beasts of the field. Jack comments on some dude who has AIDS and had sex with 200 women! Man, I feel like crap. A dude with AIDS gets more action than I do.
12:00 - OFFER OF THE WEEK – Skip ahead. This sucks.
13:00 – Uh oh, something that breaks Rexella’s heart. Oh, it’s about abusing children. That is tragic. Is this a sign? Jesus said that he who violates a child should have a millstone tied to them and then to be thrown in the ocean. Not a sign, but a good idea.
20:50 – No murderers have eternal life abiding in them! Unless it’s murder under the guise of capital punishment, because, as we said before, God's all for that.
23:17 – Rexella says we can disagree without being disagreeable. Maybe, but what fun is that?
28:00 – People who follow God, lead others in the right direction. Yeah, the opposite direction.
1:00 - Rexella receives a PhD in journalism! Dr. Rexella Van Impe!! Whoa, Jack receives his 15th degree in prophetical studies!! Huh? While they’re making up degrees, I think I should get a PhD in sitting on my ass. Or maybe one in "making fun of prophetical studies". Dr. Paul…I like the sound of that.
3:45 – The Jack Van Impe Prophesy bible!! It’s an electronic organizer! I need one of these. The whole bible, Jack’s prophesy bible, the book of Revelations verse by verse, his 365 days of soul food for daily devotionals, his A-Z of Prophesy, his scripture memory program and 10385 bible verses that are coded are all in this little organizer. Jack says he can’t believe that they contacted him and wanted to put all that into this bible. That makes two of us, Jack.
4:44 – It seems like people are eating out more and more. Rexella says, “Whether it be Wendy’s or McDonalds, it’s always wonderful!” Wow, what a sophisticated palate she has!
5:00 - Our bodies are the temples of God. Keep ‘em clean for God. Rexella's interpretation of that is eating at McDonalds and Wendy's. I suppose having explosive diarrhea could possibly cleanse the body... Do smokers go to heaven? Yup, just sooner! (Ha, that’s actually pretty funny.)
7:30 - Terry Nichols killed 161 people in the Oklahoma City bombing. They’re letting him go because he became a Christian and they don’t believe in capital punishment. This man deserves to die! Exodus 20:13 says thou shalt not kill. But wait a minute though, turn the page!!…. “He that smites a man so that he dies should be put to death.” Well, that settles it. Kill Terry Nichols too, and we'll kill the man who smote Terry Nichols, and then the guy who killed him, etc. etc.
9:40 – Lots of talk about AIDS. I know where this is going. Pestilences through the beasts of the field. Jack comments on some dude who has AIDS and had sex with 200 women! Man, I feel like crap. A dude with AIDS gets more action than I do.
12:00 - OFFER OF THE WEEK – Skip ahead. This sucks.
13:00 – Uh oh, something that breaks Rexella’s heart. Oh, it’s about abusing children. That is tragic. Is this a sign? Jesus said that he who violates a child should have a millstone tied to them and then to be thrown in the ocean. Not a sign, but a good idea.
20:50 – No murderers have eternal life abiding in them! Unless it’s murder under the guise of capital punishment, because, as we said before, God's all for that.
23:17 – Rexella says we can disagree without being disagreeable. Maybe, but what fun is that?
28:00 – People who follow God, lead others in the right direction. Yeah, the opposite direction.
Monday, July 26, 2004
Mini-Poll!!
Check out the mini-poll on the right. I imagine I'll get tired of this pretty quickly...
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Serenity Now 2
Well, this rant is a day late, but in a span of about 10 minutes yesterday, 3 things really made me shake my head. The first one was an article in the Toronto Sun about some sick fuck who assaulted, tortured and killed his wife, while their 2 children watched. The story had to do with nailing various parts of her body to things and then pouring boiling water on her. My question is this. WHY IS THAT WORTHY OF PUTTING IN A NEWSPAPER? Whoever approved that article for publication should be ashamed of themselves.
If not publishing that is censorship, then some things should be censored.
Plus, we know there are sick people out there and we know they occasionally kill each other. It was in South America too, so it's not like it's warning people in the GTA. Don't publish crap like that. If anyone can give me a reason that that article should be in the paper, please do. And don't say, "I like to read about stuff like that". It's sick, disgusting, and society as a whole would be better off not having to read about crap like that. Ask yourself this, why didn't they just write, "Man kills wife" and then leave out the details?
The second thing was something along the lines of this. Not exactly, because it wasn't a rabbit, it was a fake rock with some stupid writing on it that you're supposed to keep a key in. My question is this: Why not just leave the key in the lock? A funny looking rock with writing on it? Please, if I'm ever on someone's porch and I see such a rock (or bunny), I'm going back later to open their door, and put a little note somewhere in their house saying, "You deserve to have your stuff stolen, you moron."
And finally, I was buying some gum in a variety store, and while paying, my ticket stub for the Empire State Building tour I went on fell out. The one dude behind the counter knew what it was, and we talked briefly about the subways in a certain city. The other dude (about 18 years old) said, "Where is this?"
Am I wrong in assuming you should know where the Empire State Building is?
If not publishing that is censorship, then some things should be censored.
Plus, we know there are sick people out there and we know they occasionally kill each other. It was in South America too, so it's not like it's warning people in the GTA. Don't publish crap like that. If anyone can give me a reason that that article should be in the paper, please do. And don't say, "I like to read about stuff like that". It's sick, disgusting, and society as a whole would be better off not having to read about crap like that. Ask yourself this, why didn't they just write, "Man kills wife" and then leave out the details?
The second thing was something along the lines of this. Not exactly, because it wasn't a rabbit, it was a fake rock with some stupid writing on it that you're supposed to keep a key in. My question is this: Why not just leave the key in the lock? A funny looking rock with writing on it? Please, if I'm ever on someone's porch and I see such a rock (or bunny), I'm going back later to open their door, and put a little note somewhere in their house saying, "You deserve to have your stuff stolen, you moron."
And finally, I was buying some gum in a variety store, and while paying, my ticket stub for the Empire State Building tour I went on fell out. The one dude behind the counter knew what it was, and we talked briefly about the subways in a certain city. The other dude (about 18 years old) said, "Where is this?"
Am I wrong in assuming you should know where the Empire State Building is?
Monday, July 19, 2004
Pets, yet again...
Well, the topic of the week seems to be pets, so here's another article. For $1000/year, you can bury your pet in a pet cemetery. (The article mentions Hong Kong, but I imagine there are pet cemeteries here)
I don't get it. Am I that cold-hearted? (Is there a by-law against burying the cat in the backyard?? If not, that's where they're going.)
The price also includes grooming of the dead pet, a coffin and a personalised tombstone, the report added.
Grooming the dead pet?? Why? Because it's an open casket?? A coffin?? How much extra is a shoebox anyways?? I just bought shoes, if you want a kitty coffin, I'll sell you one (it's a Nike, a big name in kitty coffins). If the dog is bigger, I suppose you could use a bigger box, maybe for a tv, or stereo (I hear the JVC line of doggy coffins is decent), or maybe an old blanket!! Regardless, I have pet coffins of all sizes!! Personalized tombstone??
"RIP little Sparky. With the money you spent on this tombstone, you could have replaced him 10 times over"
"We are bringing pet owners a peaceful and garden-like environment where they can visit their pets at a serene resting place," cemetery director Gabriel Ho said.
Who visits a dead pet?? Visit the pet store, or humane society! Get another freakin' pet! I have an idea, bury the dog in the backyard, then you can visit him all the time for free!!
Ho's animal-psychic sister Elaine will also be on hand so owners can keep in touch with their pets beyond the grave, the report added.
Right. That'll speed up the healing process. Plus, it's the dude's sister.
I've never mentioned this before, but I'm an animal psychic as well. If you have recently deceased pets, let me know, and I'll contact them for you.
Paul (the animal psychic) : I see a cat.
Sad Mourner : Fido turned into a cat??
Paul : ...And right beside that cat is Fido! Fido is humping someone's leg, peeing on the floor because nobody let him out, and barking for no reason. Now he's begging for food, and wiping his ass on the carpet!
Sad Mourner : That's amazing! You really do see Fido! How is he??
Paul : HE'S DEAD YOU IDIOT. That'll be $100 please.
:-)
I don't get it. Am I that cold-hearted? (Is there a by-law against burying the cat in the backyard?? If not, that's where they're going.)
The price also includes grooming of the dead pet, a coffin and a personalised tombstone, the report added.
Grooming the dead pet?? Why? Because it's an open casket?? A coffin?? How much extra is a shoebox anyways?? I just bought shoes, if you want a kitty coffin, I'll sell you one (it's a Nike, a big name in kitty coffins). If the dog is bigger, I suppose you could use a bigger box, maybe for a tv, or stereo (I hear the JVC line of doggy coffins is decent), or maybe an old blanket!! Regardless, I have pet coffins of all sizes!! Personalized tombstone??
"RIP little Sparky. With the money you spent on this tombstone, you could have replaced him 10 times over"
"We are bringing pet owners a peaceful and garden-like environment where they can visit their pets at a serene resting place," cemetery director Gabriel Ho said.
Who visits a dead pet?? Visit the pet store, or humane society! Get another freakin' pet! I have an idea, bury the dog in the backyard, then you can visit him all the time for free!!
Ho's animal-psychic sister Elaine will also be on hand so owners can keep in touch with their pets beyond the grave, the report added.
Right. That'll speed up the healing process. Plus, it's the dude's sister.
I've never mentioned this before, but I'm an animal psychic as well. If you have recently deceased pets, let me know, and I'll contact them for you.
Paul (the animal psychic) : I see a cat.
Sad Mourner : Fido turned into a cat??
Paul : ...And right beside that cat is Fido! Fido is humping someone's leg, peeing on the floor because nobody let him out, and barking for no reason. Now he's begging for food, and wiping his ass on the carpet!
Sad Mourner : That's amazing! You really do see Fido! How is he??
Paul : HE'S DEAD YOU IDIOT. That'll be $100 please.
:-)
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Join Millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 3)
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
1:00 - Oh, as we all know, Jack has been on a diet!! Well, I didn’t know that, and I watch this crap every week. I feel a little insulted actually.
2:50 - Jack has been to McDonalds (nice diet, Jack). They offer a salad, water and pedometer (pronounced PEE-dometer) for walking. Jack was proud of his weight for a long time because “The liberal soul shall be made fat” says Proverbs. But, Rexella’s father then said unto him, some other verse that says, “Put a knife to thy throat if thou be a man given to appetite.” So Jack immediately started dieting. Then Rexella’s father quoted the bible passage that said, “If thou layest a hand on my daughter, I shall have to kick your bible thumping ass, mother fucker!”
5:45 - One day we’re going to learn that Bush was right about the weapons of mass destruction. Iraq moved all the weapons before the invasion. Of course they did. Just like everyone else will move them just before we don’t find any.
President Bush - "We didn't find any weapons of mass destruction on that brand new golf course down the street, I checked myself. Those crafty Iraqis moved them again!!! They're always one step ahead!!"
9:00 - Keep your eyes fixed on heaven, because Jesus might be coming!! I think that means you should walk around staring into they sky, because you don’t want to miss something like Jesus on a cloud. Actually, if you walk around staring into the sky I imagine you’ll be paying Jesus a visit sooner than you think.
10:15 - Rexella says that there are one million prisoners in American prisons, but it is expected to increase to 6 million by 2015. Rexella wonders if we’re building these prisons for illegal aliens. I don’t think so, Rexella. I imagine you’ll just deport the illegal aliens. The prisons will probably be for those shifty legal foreigners.
13:00 - Good news!! We’re the only generation who will get to heaven without dying!! How exciting!! Actually, it’s crap. I don’t want to go yet, I have some sinning yet to do!! As great as heaven sounds, I doubt Jesus lets you have any fun.
Jesus - "Let's play Pictionary!!"
Everyone else - "Pictionary is no fun, you can't draw, and there's only one clue. How many different ways can you draw love anyways??"
14:00 - THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Six! The Mark Unleashed. It’s full of suspense, it’s kind of like a science fiction story, except filled with truth!! Man, I couldn’t have written that better myself. “like a science fiction story, but filled with truth”. So it’s kind of nothing like science fiction…
23:00 - So much gibberish here. Ok, some passage says something to the effect of, “Come up hither” and then we’re brought up (to heaven) in the twinkling of an eye. GE has measured the twinkle of a man’s eye at 0.11 seconds!! (How or why they did this is beyond me) Anyways, it’s 187 trillion billion miles to the 3rd heaven, so we’re transported 187 trillion billion miles in 0.11 seconds. Sorry Jack, the Special Theory of Relativity says that can’t happen. Not even Jesus himself can break the laws of physics!!
28:00 - If you can’t hear God speaking, perhaps you should turn up the volume control, ON YOUR CONSCIENCE!
32:00 – Channel 4 news! It seems like someone forgot to stop the VCR. (I hope there’s softcore porn on after the news, please have softcore porn after the news…)
59:00 – Oooh, Albertson’s has Pepsi on, 2 twelve packs for $5. That’s a pretty good price. Watermelon for $1.97, you can’t beat that.
1:33:00 – The Tonight Show!! I just thought of a riddle. What’s the difference between Jack Van Impe and Jay Leno?? One is a dopey looking grey-haired guy with his own tv show who rarely gets a laugh, and the other is Jack Van Impe!!
1:00 - Oh, as we all know, Jack has been on a diet!! Well, I didn’t know that, and I watch this crap every week. I feel a little insulted actually.
2:50 - Jack has been to McDonalds (nice diet, Jack). They offer a salad, water and pedometer (pronounced PEE-dometer) for walking. Jack was proud of his weight for a long time because “The liberal soul shall be made fat” says Proverbs. But, Rexella’s father then said unto him, some other verse that says, “Put a knife to thy throat if thou be a man given to appetite.” So Jack immediately started dieting. Then Rexella’s father quoted the bible passage that said, “If thou layest a hand on my daughter, I shall have to kick your bible thumping ass, mother fucker!”
5:45 - One day we’re going to learn that Bush was right about the weapons of mass destruction. Iraq moved all the weapons before the invasion. Of course they did. Just like everyone else will move them just before we don’t find any.
President Bush - "We didn't find any weapons of mass destruction on that brand new golf course down the street, I checked myself. Those crafty Iraqis moved them again!!! They're always one step ahead!!"
9:00 - Keep your eyes fixed on heaven, because Jesus might be coming!! I think that means you should walk around staring into they sky, because you don’t want to miss something like Jesus on a cloud. Actually, if you walk around staring into the sky I imagine you’ll be paying Jesus a visit sooner than you think.
10:15 - Rexella says that there are one million prisoners in American prisons, but it is expected to increase to 6 million by 2015. Rexella wonders if we’re building these prisons for illegal aliens. I don’t think so, Rexella. I imagine you’ll just deport the illegal aliens. The prisons will probably be for those shifty legal foreigners.
13:00 - Good news!! We’re the only generation who will get to heaven without dying!! How exciting!! Actually, it’s crap. I don’t want to go yet, I have some sinning yet to do!! As great as heaven sounds, I doubt Jesus lets you have any fun.
Jesus - "Let's play Pictionary!!"
Everyone else - "Pictionary is no fun, you can't draw, and there's only one clue. How many different ways can you draw love anyways??"
14:00 - THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Six! The Mark Unleashed. It’s full of suspense, it’s kind of like a science fiction story, except filled with truth!! Man, I couldn’t have written that better myself. “like a science fiction story, but filled with truth”. So it’s kind of nothing like science fiction…
23:00 - So much gibberish here. Ok, some passage says something to the effect of, “Come up hither” and then we’re brought up (to heaven) in the twinkling of an eye. GE has measured the twinkle of a man’s eye at 0.11 seconds!! (How or why they did this is beyond me) Anyways, it’s 187 trillion billion miles to the 3rd heaven, so we’re transported 187 trillion billion miles in 0.11 seconds. Sorry Jack, the Special Theory of Relativity says that can’t happen. Not even Jesus himself can break the laws of physics!!
28:00 - If you can’t hear God speaking, perhaps you should turn up the volume control, ON YOUR CONSCIENCE!
32:00 – Channel 4 news! It seems like someone forgot to stop the VCR. (I hope there’s softcore porn on after the news, please have softcore porn after the news…)
59:00 – Oooh, Albertson’s has Pepsi on, 2 twelve packs for $5. That’s a pretty good price. Watermelon for $1.97, you can’t beat that.
1:33:00 – The Tonight Show!! I just thought of a riddle. What’s the difference between Jack Van Impe and Jay Leno?? One is a dopey looking grey-haired guy with his own tv show who rarely gets a laugh, and the other is Jack Van Impe!!
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Ooooh, a request!
So, I don't think I'll make a habit of taking requests, but we'll see how this goes. "Hey Paul, why don't you write about cats and dogs??" Ok. Fine (clears throat).
Cats are better than dogs. You might ask, "Why?" Well, I'll tell you. Dogs are stupid. You can train a dog to chase a stick, and then throw that stick into traffic, and the dog will chase it. What's up with that?? Now, before you say, "But you can't even train a cat!". Well, that's true, but you're assuming that trainability is a good thing. It's not. It's an indication of a feeble mind that can be manipulated. Cats do what they want, when they want, and they don't really care if you're around. That's my kind of pet.
Egyptians thought cats were godly, and they mummified them along with their kings. What did the Egyptians do with dogs?? We don't know, because if you can build a huge pyramid out of massive rocks, you don't waste your time on a dog. Another solid point, tigers are bigger and stronger than (hmmm, I'm trying to think of a tiger-equivalent dog) dingos. Tigers run around the jungle killing and eating big animals, while dingos run around Australia eating people's babies. What kind of a sick animal eats a baby??
Now, before you attack my argument, I took critical thinking, and I know it's concrete. And, I also know that Egyptians mummified dogs as well, and they also used them for hunting (I can look it up on Google as easily as you can). Regardless, training a feeble-minded animal to serve humans makes it useful, but still stupid.
I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with dogs, I was just catering to a request to write about them.
Cats are better than dogs. You might ask, "Why?" Well, I'll tell you. Dogs are stupid. You can train a dog to chase a stick, and then throw that stick into traffic, and the dog will chase it. What's up with that?? Now, before you say, "But you can't even train a cat!". Well, that's true, but you're assuming that trainability is a good thing. It's not. It's an indication of a feeble mind that can be manipulated. Cats do what they want, when they want, and they don't really care if you're around. That's my kind of pet.
Egyptians thought cats were godly, and they mummified them along with their kings. What did the Egyptians do with dogs?? We don't know, because if you can build a huge pyramid out of massive rocks, you don't waste your time on a dog. Another solid point, tigers are bigger and stronger than (hmmm, I'm trying to think of a tiger-equivalent dog) dingos. Tigers run around the jungle killing and eating big animals, while dingos run around Australia eating people's babies. What kind of a sick animal eats a baby??
Now, before you attack my argument, I took critical thinking, and I know it's concrete. And, I also know that Egyptians mummified dogs as well, and they also used them for hunting (I can look it up on Google as easily as you can). Regardless, training a feeble-minded animal to serve humans makes it useful, but still stupid.
I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with dogs, I was just catering to a request to write about them.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Jack has company in the nut-house!!
Well, what's sadder than being Jack Van Impe?? Well, being someone who wishes he were Jack Van Impe!!! Check out this "Load of Crap". I especially find this amusing. Now, if I were Jack, I'd sue this poor bastard's ass!! He's charging $8.00 for a booklet, that, I imagine he wrote after watching Jack's "Animals in Heaven" DVD. Now, maybe I'm a little pro JVI here, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this Terry James guy is a HACK!!
People who have lost pets know the heartbreak. I've written a sizable booklet on the subject because my family has lost pets, and many, many have asked me this question: "Do Our Pets Go to Heaven?" I must ask $8, which includes postage, etc.
No, you've written a sizeable booklet on the subject because you BOUGHT JACK'S DVD AND TOOK NOTES!!! I can't imagine that 2 nutcases independently came up with the "Animals in Heaven" idea. Hey Terry, "Thou shalt not steal"...does that ring a bell?? Oh yeah, how about this one, "Thou shalt not covet Jack's kooky rapture ideas".
Man, this is priceless too. There's too much to make fun of here. Regardless, you'll all know when the rapture takes place, because the updates to this site will stop. I can't update when I'm sitting in heaven with all your dead pets.
I'm not even sure if this is 'serious', although there's a lot of information here for it not to be.
Uh oh. They have a message board. I think I might have to join...
People who have lost pets know the heartbreak. I've written a sizable booklet on the subject because my family has lost pets, and many, many have asked me this question: "Do Our Pets Go to Heaven?" I must ask $8, which includes postage, etc.
No, you've written a sizeable booklet on the subject because you BOUGHT JACK'S DVD AND TOOK NOTES!!! I can't imagine that 2 nutcases independently came up with the "Animals in Heaven" idea. Hey Terry, "Thou shalt not steal"...does that ring a bell?? Oh yeah, how about this one, "Thou shalt not covet Jack's kooky rapture ideas".
Man, this is priceless too. There's too much to make fun of here. Regardless, you'll all know when the rapture takes place, because the updates to this site will stop. I can't update when I'm sitting in heaven with all your dead pets.
I'm not even sure if this is 'serious', although there's a lot of information here for it not to be.
Uh oh. They have a message board. I think I might have to join...
Monday, July 12, 2004
Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired June 26)
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
1:00 - Oh boy! Two jokes! The first one: An 85 year old woman in a nursing home is desperate for a date. She says to another old man, “If you can guess what I have in my hand, I’ll go out with you.” The old man says, “An elephant!!”. “Close enough!” says the old woman. Ha. That’s…pretty…funny. If she were that desperate, she wouldn’t make the guy guess at all. She'd just say, “You look like my 5th husband.” “Oh?” the man would say, “How many husbands have you had?”. The response?? Four!! Ha! That dirty old woman! (see how I merged the 2 jokes into one?? Pretty clever eh??)
3:00 – some schmultz about love. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the love, but this bit is too much.
3:20 – Rexella thanks God for America. (Ok, I’m getting angry now…) Thank God that a country like America exists. Thank God that only a select percentage of people live there. Thank God that some poor saps live in poor war torn countries. Thank God that these poor countries don’t put up much of a fight when America decides they want to bomb the hell out of them for their natural resources. “Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord.” Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord??. Now, this WHOLE SHOW basically lists a bunch of reasons why God isn’t the Lord of Jack’s nation anymore. Jack, you say stupid things like “Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord”, but then spend half an hour describing reason after reason how the nation is straying further and further from God. Be consistent man!!
Oh great, a clip of Rexella singing God Bless America. Man, it’s painful.
Surfers and roller coasters are shown while Rexella sings. Seems a little hedonistic to me.
6:23 – Rexella hopes that blessed my heart. Well, if she means “almost made me puke”, then “yes, Rexella, that blessed my heart”.
OFFER OF THE WEEK!! See how far into the toilet Stephen Baldwin’s career has sunken!
17:15 - “Saved” the movie! Jack is not happy about this movie. He wishes that Christians were as extreme as the dudes who put the death threats on Rushdie. Now, this annoys me. Jack loves America, land of the free, home of the brave, where free speech and the right to bear arms means you can carry a gun and tell someone that Jesus was a homo and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. This movie is what America (the nation Jack so loves) is all about Jack!! Freedom of speech means you can make a crazy movie that will offend religious nutcases and everyone is happy! Except, of course, the religious nutcases, but who cares what they think! You can’t just go and hunt them down because they said a mean thing about Jesus.
19:23 – "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth." George Carlin has the filthiest mouth EVER!! He blasphemes like there’s no tomorrow. Uh oh, George Carlin is leading the blasphemers into the time of the tribulation! Again, freedom of speech means that George Carlin can say any filthy Goddamn thing he wants for Christ’s sake.
21:00 - Lots of talk about STDs. Apparently 1 in 3 people in the states have some sort of STD. Why is that?? Because modern day teenages are a filthy, lusty, dirty generation who love the sex. 20 million have herpes! 40 million have genital warts! It’s dangerous to play with sin. I think Jack needs to realize that America is all about playing with sin. "Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord". Sorry Jack, your nation isn't blessed. You're going to hell with the rest of them!! You profit from America's greed and pride, and I'm sure that makes Jesus sad, so, you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem!! One last thing...Jesus was a homo :-)
1:00 - Oh boy! Two jokes! The first one: An 85 year old woman in a nursing home is desperate for a date. She says to another old man, “If you can guess what I have in my hand, I’ll go out with you.” The old man says, “An elephant!!”. “Close enough!” says the old woman. Ha. That’s…pretty…funny. If she were that desperate, she wouldn’t make the guy guess at all. She'd just say, “You look like my 5th husband.” “Oh?” the man would say, “How many husbands have you had?”. The response?? Four!! Ha! That dirty old woman! (see how I merged the 2 jokes into one?? Pretty clever eh??)
3:00 – some schmultz about love. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the love, but this bit is too much.
3:20 – Rexella thanks God for America. (Ok, I’m getting angry now…) Thank God that a country like America exists. Thank God that only a select percentage of people live there. Thank God that some poor saps live in poor war torn countries. Thank God that these poor countries don’t put up much of a fight when America decides they want to bomb the hell out of them for their natural resources. “Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord.” Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord??. Now, this WHOLE SHOW basically lists a bunch of reasons why God isn’t the Lord of Jack’s nation anymore. Jack, you say stupid things like “Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord”, but then spend half an hour describing reason after reason how the nation is straying further and further from God. Be consistent man!!
Oh great, a clip of Rexella singing God Bless America. Man, it’s painful.
Surfers and roller coasters are shown while Rexella sings. Seems a little hedonistic to me.
6:23 – Rexella hopes that blessed my heart. Well, if she means “almost made me puke”, then “yes, Rexella, that blessed my heart”.
OFFER OF THE WEEK!! See how far into the toilet Stephen Baldwin’s career has sunken!
17:15 - “Saved” the movie! Jack is not happy about this movie. He wishes that Christians were as extreme as the dudes who put the death threats on Rushdie. Now, this annoys me. Jack loves America, land of the free, home of the brave, where free speech and the right to bear arms means you can carry a gun and tell someone that Jesus was a homo and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. This movie is what America (the nation Jack so loves) is all about Jack!! Freedom of speech means you can make a crazy movie that will offend religious nutcases and everyone is happy! Except, of course, the religious nutcases, but who cares what they think! You can’t just go and hunt them down because they said a mean thing about Jesus.
19:23 – "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth." George Carlin has the filthiest mouth EVER!! He blasphemes like there’s no tomorrow. Uh oh, George Carlin is leading the blasphemers into the time of the tribulation! Again, freedom of speech means that George Carlin can say any filthy Goddamn thing he wants for Christ’s sake.
21:00 - Lots of talk about STDs. Apparently 1 in 3 people in the states have some sort of STD. Why is that?? Because modern day teenages are a filthy, lusty, dirty generation who love the sex. 20 million have herpes! 40 million have genital warts! It’s dangerous to play with sin. I think Jack needs to realize that America is all about playing with sin. "Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord". Sorry Jack, your nation isn't blessed. You're going to hell with the rest of them!! You profit from America's greed and pride, and I'm sure that makes Jesus sad, so, you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem!! One last thing...Jesus was a homo :-)
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Pardon My Planet
I recently came across this comic at work, and I thought, "That's FUNNY!" so I cut it out and pinned it up in my cubicle.
People don't get it. Do you get it?
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Join Millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired June 19)
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
1:31 - Rexella reads some article about what it means to be a good father. It says that 'you need to take your children to church'. I think there's more to being a father than just taking your kid to church. Some might argue that pushing your faith on someone else and not letting them choose for themselves makes you a bad father. Some might argue that putting the fear of God into your young impressionable children is a subtle form of abuse. Not me though, I think church rules!
2:10 - Jack says his father was a night club owner and that he grew up in some of these 'joints'. I wonder if he met Rexella in one of these joints, it would explain the name. I wonder if her middle name is Sahara, or Alexis. Maybe Porsche, or Sapphire, or even Porshe-Alexis. He then, in not so many words, says his father was pretty strict, and didn't have any problems smacking Jack around when he got out of line. No worries though, he mellowed in his old age and he was filled with the spirit! Just like all those nights when Jack's dad would come home filled with whatever spirit he could get his hands on accompanied by some trashy hooker he stumbled across on the way home.
3:33 - Rexella congratulates the Detroit Pistons. Huh? Where did that come from? Well, Detroit wasn't greedy or selfish, they played as a team, and they won!! The Lakers were a little cocky. They were egotistical and it was time someone 'brought them down a notch.' Ok, here it is!! GOD HATES THE SIN OF PRIDE. The Lakers were proud, so God hates them, and they lost! Ha! Take that Shaq! Or should I say, SATAN!!! The only difference, I'm sure Satan can hit a free-throw. And Satan probably has smaller feet. Comparing Kobe to Satan? Like shooting fish in a barrel.
6:16 - Rexella says that Ronald Reagan stands out as one of history's great people. Reagan believed that Armageddon was coming!! And he might see it in his lifetime!! He was right! It came alright, I don't know if he saw it, but I did, and it sucked.
12:00 - The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Blah, blah, still that stupid movie about the tribulation. Rexella asks if I noticed that Stephen Baldwin and some other movie stars were in it. Yes, I noticed Stephen Baldwin, but I didn't notice any movie stars.
15:41 - Math made easy by Jack. Sept. 11, 2001 - 10 planes were supposed to go up, only 4 did. Had the other 6 gone up then they would have hit the tallest buildings in California, Washington, the Statue of Liberty and hit all the nuclear plants. Ok, let's assume that there are 2 buildings in each of California and Washington, plus the Statue of Liberty, that leaves one airplane to hit all 65 nuclear sites in the States at the time. That would be one magic airplane. Maybe Al Qaeda has such an airplane!! Maybe we should all build bomb shelters and become overly paranoid trying to protect ourselves from such a weapon. That quiet guy down the street?? He's part of the magic airplane plot. Trust me on this one, get him, before he gets you!!!
17:00 - A bunch of gibberish about weapons of mass destruction. Blah, blah, blah.
27:00 - Finally, Rexella wants me to invite you all to watch the show. Ok, fine. You should watch the show. What the heck, buy the video while you're at it.
1:31 - Rexella reads some article about what it means to be a good father. It says that 'you need to take your children to church'. I think there's more to being a father than just taking your kid to church. Some might argue that pushing your faith on someone else and not letting them choose for themselves makes you a bad father. Some might argue that putting the fear of God into your young impressionable children is a subtle form of abuse. Not me though, I think church rules!
2:10 - Jack says his father was a night club owner and that he grew up in some of these 'joints'. I wonder if he met Rexella in one of these joints, it would explain the name. I wonder if her middle name is Sahara, or Alexis. Maybe Porsche, or Sapphire, or even Porshe-Alexis. He then, in not so many words, says his father was pretty strict, and didn't have any problems smacking Jack around when he got out of line. No worries though, he mellowed in his old age and he was filled with the spirit! Just like all those nights when Jack's dad would come home filled with whatever spirit he could get his hands on accompanied by some trashy hooker he stumbled across on the way home.
3:33 - Rexella congratulates the Detroit Pistons. Huh? Where did that come from? Well, Detroit wasn't greedy or selfish, they played as a team, and they won!! The Lakers were a little cocky. They were egotistical and it was time someone 'brought them down a notch.' Ok, here it is!! GOD HATES THE SIN OF PRIDE. The Lakers were proud, so God hates them, and they lost! Ha! Take that Shaq! Or should I say, SATAN!!! The only difference, I'm sure Satan can hit a free-throw. And Satan probably has smaller feet. Comparing Kobe to Satan? Like shooting fish in a barrel.
6:16 - Rexella says that Ronald Reagan stands out as one of history's great people. Reagan believed that Armageddon was coming!! And he might see it in his lifetime!! He was right! It came alright, I don't know if he saw it, but I did, and it sucked.
12:00 - The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Blah, blah, still that stupid movie about the tribulation. Rexella asks if I noticed that Stephen Baldwin and some other movie stars were in it. Yes, I noticed Stephen Baldwin, but I didn't notice any movie stars.
15:41 - Math made easy by Jack. Sept. 11, 2001 - 10 planes were supposed to go up, only 4 did. Had the other 6 gone up then they would have hit the tallest buildings in California, Washington, the Statue of Liberty and hit all the nuclear plants. Ok, let's assume that there are 2 buildings in each of California and Washington, plus the Statue of Liberty, that leaves one airplane to hit all 65 nuclear sites in the States at the time. That would be one magic airplane. Maybe Al Qaeda has such an airplane!! Maybe we should all build bomb shelters and become overly paranoid trying to protect ourselves from such a weapon. That quiet guy down the street?? He's part of the magic airplane plot. Trust me on this one, get him, before he gets you!!!
17:00 - A bunch of gibberish about weapons of mass destruction. Blah, blah, blah.
27:00 - Finally, Rexella wants me to invite you all to watch the show. Ok, fine. You should watch the show. What the heck, buy the video while you're at it.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Oooops!! I'm a slut.
Rumour has it that Ms. Spears may be pregnant. But don't worry, she plans to be married "well before the baby is born". Phew, that's a relief, having a baby out of wedlock is much worse than, oh, I don't know, getting knocked-up by a man-whore.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Dodgeball!!!
Well, this movie had all the makings of a real stinker. No original plot, very predictable, bad, sappy love stories (yes, plural), bad acting, and minimal character development. So, did I like it?? Damn right!! Honestly, what's not to like about people getting repeatedly smacked in the face with flying objects?? Add the occasional shot to the groin and you've got yourself a movie. That's why I give this movie two big thumbs up!! Nothing says funny like someone getting smacked in the face with something.
Monday, June 28, 2004
Serenity now...
Paul is at a Ford dealership, getting a safety inspection and emissions test. He also needs new windshield wipers.
Paul: How much do new windshield wipers cost?
Woman at Ford dealership: Oh, I don't know, $20.
Paul: Oh, that's not unreasonable, add that on.
Paul goes to work.
Later that day...
Paul is at the Ford dealership, picking up his car and paying bill.
Paul: Why are there two $20 charges on this bill?
Same woman at Ford dealership: Oh, that one is for the driver-side wiper, and that one is for the passenger-side wiper.
Paul (thinking in his head): WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT THE $20 WAS ONLY FOR ONE WIPER?!! WHO ONLY BUYS ONE WIPER??? IT'S NO WONDER PEOPLE DON'T TRUST DEALERSHIPS, YOU FRIGGIN' IDIOT.
Paul: Thank you.
Paul exits.
Paul: How much do new windshield wipers cost?
Woman at Ford dealership: Oh, I don't know, $20.
Paul: Oh, that's not unreasonable, add that on.
Paul goes to work.
Later that day...
Paul is at the Ford dealership, picking up his car and paying bill.
Paul: Why are there two $20 charges on this bill?
Same woman at Ford dealership: Oh, that one is for the driver-side wiper, and that one is for the passenger-side wiper.
Paul (thinking in his head): WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT THE $20 WAS ONLY FOR ONE WIPER?!! WHO ONLY BUYS ONE WIPER??? IT'S NO WONDER PEOPLE DON'T TRUST DEALERSHIPS, YOU FRIGGIN' IDIOT.
Paul: Thank you.
Paul exits.
Sunday, June 27, 2004
What was that noise??
It was Jack Van Impe's head exploding! There's a new bible translation, it's called "Good as New"! I found it while perusing some other blogs that I occasionally read.
This translation is one of my favs:
Matthew 26:69-70
Authorized version: "Now Peter sat without in the palace: and a damsel came unto him, saying, 'Thou also wast with Jesus of Galilee.' But he denied before them all, saying, I know not what thou sayest."
New: "Meanwhile Rocky was still sitting in the courtyard. A woman came up to him and said: 'Haven't I seen you with Jesus, the hero from Galilee?" Rocky shook his head and said: 'I don't know what the hell you're talking about!'"
Ebonics: "Meanwhile Rocky wuz still sitting in da courtyard. A biotch came up ta him an' said: 'Haven't I seen ya wiff Jesus, da hero from Galilee?" Rocky shook his head an' said: 'I don' know what da hell you jivin' 'bout! Wha 'chew trippin foo?"
I translated it into ebonics as well, just for fun. Why "Peter" = "Rocky" I'll never know.
And you have to love this one:
1 Corinthians 7:8-7
KJV: "I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn."
New: "If you know you have strong needs, get yourself a partner. Better than being frustrated."
Damn straight! Now that's a bible! I imagine this translation is going to anger some people, and maybe that's why I like it so much.
This translation is one of my favs:
Matthew 26:69-70
Authorized version: "Now Peter sat without in the palace: and a damsel came unto him, saying, 'Thou also wast with Jesus of Galilee.' But he denied before them all, saying, I know not what thou sayest."
New: "Meanwhile Rocky was still sitting in the courtyard. A woman came up to him and said: 'Haven't I seen you with Jesus, the hero from Galilee?" Rocky shook his head and said: 'I don't know what the hell you're talking about!'"
Ebonics: "Meanwhile Rocky wuz still sitting in da courtyard. A biotch came up ta him an' said: 'Haven't I seen ya wiff Jesus, da hero from Galilee?" Rocky shook his head an' said: 'I don' know what da hell you jivin' 'bout! Wha 'chew trippin foo?"
I translated it into ebonics as well, just for fun. Why "Peter" = "Rocky" I'll never know.
And you have to love this one:
1 Corinthians 7:8-7
KJV: "I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn."
New: "If you know you have strong needs, get yourself a partner. Better than being frustrated."
Damn straight! Now that's a bible! I imagine this translation is going to anger some people, and maybe that's why I like it so much.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired June 12)
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
1:00 - Rexella comments on the gas prices. Yes, they are high. I’m curious to see where this is going…no wait, of course I know!! JESUS IS COMING!!! And, he’s going to be pissed if he has to pay an arm and a leg for gas. I hope Jesus likes public transit, because he’s going to need it. Actually, I can picture Jesus in a souped-up Honda Civic, with God as a passenger and the Holy Spirit in the back, complaining about not having any leg room because God likes the seat all the way back. I imagine one of the perks of being God would be automatic shotgun.
Uh oh, Rexella comments that women are bad drivers and then Jack complains that when you go to give them the horn, they give you the finger! Which, reminds Jack of this story. A vagrant was outside a restaurant called, “Sir George and the Dragon”. Anyways, the vagrant was so hungry he knocked on the door and a woman answered. He said, “Ma’am, I’m so hungry, I’ll wash the floor, I’ll do the dishes, just please, give me some food.” The woman proceeded to beat him with a broomstick until he was black and blue. A couple minutes later, he knocked on the door again, and this time he said, “Ma’am, do you mind if I talk to George this time?” Get it? He’d already met the dragon!! Of course this relates to Proverbs 21:19 where it says, “it is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman.” Then Jack says, “You know, there are a lot of women out there beating their husbands, not just Liza Minelli”. Man, Jack is ON tonight!!
Back to the bad drivers…. “The chariots shall be with flaming torches in the day of his preparation.” Huh? I guess “chariots” = “cars”, and “flaming torches” = “contentious angry women who give Jack the finger when he honks at them”.
The Offer of the Week!! It’s still that stupid Stephen Baldwin movie. Looks like crap, but it’s probably better than Van Helsing. Hey, it has Julia Robert’s brother in it too! That’s exciting because Julia Roberts won an academy award a few years back.
15:00 - Lots of talk about anti-Semitism. Moral of the story is that “God loves the Jew”. Well, that’s good to know…
I fell asleep and can’t be bothered to go back and watch it again. :-(
1:00 - Rexella comments on the gas prices. Yes, they are high. I’m curious to see where this is going…no wait, of course I know!! JESUS IS COMING!!! And, he’s going to be pissed if he has to pay an arm and a leg for gas. I hope Jesus likes public transit, because he’s going to need it. Actually, I can picture Jesus in a souped-up Honda Civic, with God as a passenger and the Holy Spirit in the back, complaining about not having any leg room because God likes the seat all the way back. I imagine one of the perks of being God would be automatic shotgun.
Uh oh, Rexella comments that women are bad drivers and then Jack complains that when you go to give them the horn, they give you the finger! Which, reminds Jack of this story. A vagrant was outside a restaurant called, “Sir George and the Dragon”. Anyways, the vagrant was so hungry he knocked on the door and a woman answered. He said, “Ma’am, I’m so hungry, I’ll wash the floor, I’ll do the dishes, just please, give me some food.” The woman proceeded to beat him with a broomstick until he was black and blue. A couple minutes later, he knocked on the door again, and this time he said, “Ma’am, do you mind if I talk to George this time?” Get it? He’d already met the dragon!! Of course this relates to Proverbs 21:19 where it says, “it is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman.” Then Jack says, “You know, there are a lot of women out there beating their husbands, not just Liza Minelli”. Man, Jack is ON tonight!!
Back to the bad drivers…. “The chariots shall be with flaming torches in the day of his preparation.” Huh? I guess “chariots” = “cars”, and “flaming torches” = “contentious angry women who give Jack the finger when he honks at them”.
The Offer of the Week!! It’s still that stupid Stephen Baldwin movie. Looks like crap, but it’s probably better than Van Helsing. Hey, it has Julia Robert’s brother in it too! That’s exciting because Julia Roberts won an academy award a few years back.
15:00 - Lots of talk about anti-Semitism. Moral of the story is that “God loves the Jew”. Well, that’s good to know…
I fell asleep and can’t be bothered to go back and watch it again. :-(
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Best 50 bucks I ever spent...
This season has all (or most) of the classics. The monorail one, the one with Pepi, Duff Gardens, the Itchy and Scratchy movie, Gabbo!!, Mr. Plow, "dental plan!!, Lisa needs braces, dental plan!!, Lisa needs braces...", I choo, choo, choose you, and the one where Homer needs the triple bypass. If you like the Simpsons, you need these DVDs. If you don't like the Simpsons, I'd prefer that you never come back to this site, because there's obviously something wrong with you. Nah, I'm just kidding, you can still come back...
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Poker - evil on so many levels...
While I was losing money playing poker yesterday, it struck me that Kings are better than Queens (not that I saw any of either...goddammit). Why are the men more important than the women? Why do the women have to sit on a level not equal to that of men? How are we permitted to use such sexist playing cards? What kind of message does this send to our children? Won't somebody think of our card playing, gambling children? AND, Kings routinely beat Queens, which promotes violence against women. It's just disgusting.
Having said all that, I have taken it upon myself to develop some gender non-specific playing cards!!
Now the smiley face is the highest (highest face card, of course the ace is still the highest, but it's already gender non-specific so it's ok), followed by the neutral looking face, followed by the frown. See how easy that was?? Now there's nothing wrong with these cards, as we all know that being happy is better than being a sad mopey loser. When the day comes that 3 smiley faces, beats a pair of neutrals, you'll have me to thank. I'm doing the world a service, trust me.
Having said all that, I have taken it upon myself to develop some gender non-specific playing cards!!
Now the smiley face is the highest (highest face card, of course the ace is still the highest, but it's already gender non-specific so it's ok), followed by the neutral looking face, followed by the frown. See how easy that was?? Now there's nothing wrong with these cards, as we all know that being happy is better than being a sad mopey loser. When the day comes that 3 smiley faces, beats a pair of neutrals, you'll have me to thank. I'm doing the world a service, trust me.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired June 5)
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell. This week's topic? Who knows? Same as every week.
1:00 - Whoa, Rexella is looking pretty good today. I think maybe she had some work done in the week. I don’t think the bible says, “Thou shalt not inject the fat from thine ass into thine face”, but shouldn’t it??
3:30 – Rexella lists some pestilences in alphabetical order. She starts with Ash Borer (which is killing trees in Michigan), then she says, AIDS. What friggin’ alphabet are you using, Rexella? “I” comes before “S” you dolt. Even if she knew that that “A” stood for “Acquired”, she’d still be wrong.
5:45 – Rexella says the bible is really up-to-date (because all these current events are described in the bible). It was up to date in the 40s too, but I don’t recall Jesus paying us a visit. She says it leaves nothing untouched. I personally think Rexella and Jack are both a little touched.
6:00 – 13:00 – Holy Crap. This is one huge rant. Bible passages spewed forth at a furious rate. He’s proving things left and right, arms flailing and everything. A must see.
22:00 – Jack’s prayer. Another good one. He’s so serious. Can’t help but laugh. The only thing sadder than being Jack, would be watching the show every week and then writing about it. Oh wait, no, that’d be cool...
1:00 - Whoa, Rexella is looking pretty good today. I think maybe she had some work done in the week. I don’t think the bible says, “Thou shalt not inject the fat from thine ass into thine face”, but shouldn’t it??
3:30 – Rexella lists some pestilences in alphabetical order. She starts with Ash Borer (which is killing trees in Michigan), then she says, AIDS. What friggin’ alphabet are you using, Rexella? “I” comes before “S” you dolt. Even if she knew that that “A” stood for “Acquired”, she’d still be wrong.
5:45 – Rexella says the bible is really up-to-date (because all these current events are described in the bible). It was up to date in the 40s too, but I don’t recall Jesus paying us a visit. She says it leaves nothing untouched. I personally think Rexella and Jack are both a little touched.
6:00 – 13:00 – Holy Crap. This is one huge rant. Bible passages spewed forth at a furious rate. He’s proving things left and right, arms flailing and everything. A must see.
22:00 – Jack’s prayer. Another good one. He’s so serious. Can’t help but laugh. The only thing sadder than being Jack, would be watching the show every week and then writing about it. Oh wait, no, that’d be cool...
Monday, June 14, 2004
Oh. My. Goodness.
I just watched the finale of the cruelest show on tv - The WB's Superstar USA!!. Why is it that seeing others in pain gives us such pleasure? (By "us" I mean "you", because, personally, I'm disgusted by this show. You should all be ashamed of yourselves you sadistic bastards!)
Anyways, I'd like to introduce you to, quite possibly, the world's dumbest person.
Oh Jamie, so pretty, yet so stupid. (Don't worry if you haven't seen it yet, I didn't spoil anything.) You must watch this to believe it (I think it's on again on Thursday on Much Music). The magnitude of her ineptitude is overwhelming, but her seemingly unwavering belief that she's a singing sensation leads me to believe that maybe Jamie is a little unbalanced. Oh well, I guess giving morons 15 minutes of fame is what 'reality' tv is all about.
Anyways, I'd like to introduce you to, quite possibly, the world's dumbest person.
Oh Jamie, so pretty, yet so stupid. (Don't worry if you haven't seen it yet, I didn't spoil anything.) You must watch this to believe it (I think it's on again on Thursday on Much Music). The magnitude of her ineptitude is overwhelming, but her seemingly unwavering belief that she's a singing sensation leads me to believe that maybe Jamie is a little unbalanced. Oh well, I guess giving morons 15 minutes of fame is what 'reality' tv is all about.
Saturday, June 12, 2004
Friday, June 11, 2004
Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!!!! (aired May 29)
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell...
1:50 – Jack comments on Rexella’s beauty. Jack sings “Jeeper’s Creepers” about Rexella’s eyes. It’s pretty embarrassing actually.
2:30 – Another terrible joke. Again, I’ll just write the punchline.
It said, “Rest in Peace” but she added, “until I come.” Ha….ha…..Jack’s a lot funnier when he’s not trying…
5:30 – There’s a headline about cougars in urban settings. Look out, cougars’ll get you if you’re not careful. “The devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking whom he may devour” is the bible quote that refers to this cougar. Actually, the cougar roaming the streets has more to do with us destroying their land which forces them into urban settings to find food. The cougar isn’t the devil, it’s just a hungry animal, and remember, if we destroy that cougar, he’ll be waiting for us in heaven, and then it’ll be payback time.
8:10 – Ooops, I got a bit ahead of myself there. When we believers are taken up (to heaven), He changes our ‘vile, mean natures’. Well, it’s not much of a leap to assume that he changes animal’s ‘vile, mean natures’ as well. SOOOO, animals in heaven will be tame. Hmmm, that’s assuming that animals have ‘vile, mean natures’ to begin with. I don’t think they do, they get hungry, and they eat things, just as God designed. Obviously the one being eaten is going to think the other is ‘mean’. By whose standards do we determine ‘mean’? I think the cougar thinks that the dude who runs and gets the shotgun is mean. I guess in cougar heaven we'll all be slow and we won't have firearms.
9:39 – Oh man, if you didn’t think Rexella was dumb before, get this: “If there was no bible, well then everyone would have their own opinions on everything”. Whoa, it sure is good to have the bible around to keep us all from forming our own opinions on things. Thinking for ourselves is scary, especially if we think something different than you.
14:07 – This is gold. There’s a new offer of the week, it’s some crappy made for Jack Van Impe movie called “Six” starring Stephen Baldwin!! Man, he must be hurting for work. The best part is that it looks like the title of the tape is “Sex” and it sounds like Rexella is saying “Sex”. I think they’re subliminally trying to tell us something.
17:00 – Rexella mentions that Einstein believed that only an intelligent supernatural being could have created the universe. Well, if we believed everything that Einstein did, we’d all be Jewish and we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. Just because you develop the Special Theory of Relativity, doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re never wrong.
17:41 – Oh well, my Real Player has frozen, Jack has suddenly become very quiet, and very still. His pensive gaze appears sullen. Hey Jack, why the long face? Didn’t you hear? Jesus is coming.
1:50 – Jack comments on Rexella’s beauty. Jack sings “Jeeper’s Creepers” about Rexella’s eyes. It’s pretty embarrassing actually.
2:30 – Another terrible joke. Again, I’ll just write the punchline.
It said, “Rest in Peace” but she added, “until I come.” Ha….ha…..Jack’s a lot funnier when he’s not trying…
5:30 – There’s a headline about cougars in urban settings. Look out, cougars’ll get you if you’re not careful. “The devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking whom he may devour” is the bible quote that refers to this cougar. Actually, the cougar roaming the streets has more to do with us destroying their land which forces them into urban settings to find food. The cougar isn’t the devil, it’s just a hungry animal, and remember, if we destroy that cougar, he’ll be waiting for us in heaven, and then it’ll be payback time.
8:10 – Ooops, I got a bit ahead of myself there. When we believers are taken up (to heaven), He changes our ‘vile, mean natures’. Well, it’s not much of a leap to assume that he changes animal’s ‘vile, mean natures’ as well. SOOOO, animals in heaven will be tame. Hmmm, that’s assuming that animals have ‘vile, mean natures’ to begin with. I don’t think they do, they get hungry, and they eat things, just as God designed. Obviously the one being eaten is going to think the other is ‘mean’. By whose standards do we determine ‘mean’? I think the cougar thinks that the dude who runs and gets the shotgun is mean. I guess in cougar heaven we'll all be slow and we won't have firearms.
9:39 – Oh man, if you didn’t think Rexella was dumb before, get this: “If there was no bible, well then everyone would have their own opinions on everything”. Whoa, it sure is good to have the bible around to keep us all from forming our own opinions on things. Thinking for ourselves is scary, especially if we think something different than you.
14:07 – This is gold. There’s a new offer of the week, it’s some crappy made for Jack Van Impe movie called “Six” starring Stephen Baldwin!! Man, he must be hurting for work. The best part is that it looks like the title of the tape is “Sex” and it sounds like Rexella is saying “Sex”. I think they’re subliminally trying to tell us something.
17:00 – Rexella mentions that Einstein believed that only an intelligent supernatural being could have created the universe. Well, if we believed everything that Einstein did, we’d all be Jewish and we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. Just because you develop the Special Theory of Relativity, doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re never wrong.
17:41 – Oh well, my Real Player has frozen, Jack has suddenly become very quiet, and very still. His pensive gaze appears sullen. Hey Jack, why the long face? Didn’t you hear? Jesus is coming.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Larry Bird - Racist, or just a tall white dope?
Uh oh. We've done it again. We've gone and asked some 'celebrity' their opinion and since we don't like the answer, we're freaking out about it. Maybe Larry is right. Maybe basketball could use more white superstars. Maybe that's just his opinion, and maybe he only gave it because someone asked him. In a perfect world, there'd be no NBA and we wouldn't have to watch whites, blacks, Chinese, Japanese, or anyone play that stupid sport. Then, no one would be asking Larry Bird his opinion, because no one cares what that tall guy who cuts the lawn at the high school thinks. (In case you didn't get it, I was implying that Larry Bird is an idiot who would only be able to get a job cutting grass at a high school.) Anyways, leave the poor man alone.
Sigh...
Only 35 hits today. My wild ride with Severina Vuckovic is over. Of course I'm not the first guy to say that, and I didn't feel the need to document it on film, but I think we're through.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Crest Whitestrips - The Gripping Conclusion...
Well, I'm sure you were all sitting on the edge of your seats awaiting the conclusion to my test with Crest Whitestrips. Well, wait no longer. The results are in!
Before
After
Nifty Combined Effect
Hmmm, I'd say that I'm quite impressed by the result. And disgusted at that before picture. That's pretty nasty looking really. Now, I realize that the "after" picture is brighter overall, but still, there's quite a noticeable difference. Well worth the $35.00 I'd say.
After
Nifty Combined Effect
Hmmm, I'd say that I'm quite impressed by the result. And disgusted at that before picture. That's pretty nasty looking really. Now, I realize that the "after" picture is brighter overall, but still, there's quite a noticeable difference. Well worth the $35.00 I'd say.
Sunday, June 06, 2004
June 6, 1944
Sometimes, while I'm sitting around bitching about having to go to work and how the gas companies are screwing me, I realize that it's not all that bad. I'm not being asked to put my life on the line and do ridiculously dangerous things to stop something I or my country had no part in starting.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Whoa.
Mega hits from Severina. Check out my counter. You people are all perverts! I wonder what 'pervert' is in Croatian? Kvariti!! Just download it using Limewire or Kazaa. Kvariti!! I did come across some stills from this "Severina Vuckovic Sex video", but I refuse to prostitute myself even further by linking to them. Maybe tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Severina Vuckovic
Who is Severina Vuckovic you ask? Well, she's apparently a Croatian pop star who made a sex video with some dude.
Why is this worthy of writing about? It's not, it's just the sort of obscure celebrity perversion that might get me some hits. I'm sure there are a lot of smitten Croatian teenage boys who'll be searching the net for this Severina Vuckovic sex video. I just read the article, it says it's only 11 minutes long. Poor Severina, she picked a loser to make a video with! Anyways, I looked for it, but couldn't find it. Most of the sites that reference her have a bunch of english looking letters, but they're arranged in weird ways that don't make any sense to me. Truly bizarre.
UPDATE!!!!
Ako želite Severinin video, možete da download sa upotrebom Kazaa, Limewire ili WinMx. Sigurno nećete naći na Internetu.....Kvariti.
Why is this worthy of writing about? It's not, it's just the sort of obscure celebrity perversion that might get me some hits. I'm sure there are a lot of smitten Croatian teenage boys who'll be searching the net for this Severina Vuckovic sex video. I just read the article, it says it's only 11 minutes long. Poor Severina, she picked a loser to make a video with! Anyways, I looked for it, but couldn't find it. Most of the sites that reference her have a bunch of english looking letters, but they're arranged in weird ways that don't make any sense to me. Truly bizarre.
UPDATE!!!!
Ako želite Severinin video, možete da download sa upotrebom Kazaa, Limewire ili WinMx. Sigurno nećete naći na Internetu.....Kvariti.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Grocery Store Neuroses.
The next time you're buying groceries, when you're putting yours onto the conveyor belt, don't put the little divider down and see how long it takes the person who already has their groceries on the belt to slap down that little piece of plastic. Put your groceries right up beside theirs, and I'll bet you they'll get nervous and give you a dirty look. God forbid that little piece of plastic isn't there. All hell can break loose and next thing you know, you've paid for someone else's groceries. That's a little known fact about the grocery store, if there is no divider, that's indisputable proof that there's only one person's groceries on the belt, and whoever is in front is paying for it. All the cashier has to say is, "Sorry, no divider, that no-name cat food and Special K are yours. I don't care if you and that guy next to you say it's not."
Monday, May 31, 2004
Jack Van Impe (aired May 22)
From the world headquarters of Jack Van Impe Ministries (Jack’s basement). International news and in-depth analysis!! (if by in-depth you mean “whacked out references to the bible”)
Yes!! We start off with a joke. A woman is speaking to her soon-to-be husband and she insists that he not open ‘this box’ until after she dies.... ah forget it, this joke is crap. I'll just write the punchline.
That $25 000 is for all the doilies I sold!
Trust me, make up your own joke, it'll be funnier than the actual one.
10:50 – One of Jack’s big prophecies is that Russia is going to march into Israel. Now, Rexella was in Jerusalem at some point and she asked people if they thought Israel and Russia were going to have a war. Half of them said “yes”, half of them said, “I don’t know.” Man, if that’s not in depth analysis, I don’t know what is.
11:31 – Jack comments on the fact that the Americans had to pull troops out of North Korea and send them to Iraq. He then says that Clinton lost the nuclear code during his affair with Monica Lewinsky. He then says that without this code, there would have been no way to intercept a nuclear missile fired at the US. Moral of this particular story? Sex is bad, especially outside of a marriage, ESPECIALLY with a chubby intern.
12:30 – Hey! We can’t afford to take men out of North Korea because they DO have nuclear weapons and “God only knows what will happen in the future.” I’m a little confused by this, because the whole point of this show is to say that Christ is basically on His way, so who cares what happens in North Korea?? I say, “Nuke ‘em, all” I’m going to be lounging around in heaven with all my dead pets, and all your dead pets, and every other dead animal that you’ve ever seen. That dead raccoon on the side of the road? Yup, he’ll be there, of course the tire marks won’t be there and all his internal organs will be back on the inside, just like God intended.
Jack’s pretty excited about being alive to see all these signs, because if he were dead, he'd be in heaven, and well, I guess in Jack's mind, that would be a bad thing.
23:00 – Jack’s prayer. Rexella says that if we prayed it, God will have heard us. I wonder if God heard us laughing hysterically and questioning his very existence?
24:00 - QUESTION OF THE WEEK??
Iraq – How did it come to this?
Hmmmm, a few headlines about the Iraqi prisoner fiasco. Ha ha!! Jack says co-ed basic training is “nothing but a whore house”. He says that there is alcohol, drugs, and sex galore over there. Hmmm, kind of makes me want to join the army. Too bad I’m Canadian. Why is all that happening? Well, it’s because they’ve taken the bible out of the schools. Of course! Actually, Jack doesn’t say anything about the prisoner abuse, it’s all about the sex. I guess the bible doesn’t say anything about loving thy neighbour as thyself. Unmarried sex makes Jesus cry, and if you’re going to be fighting an immoral war over oil, and you’re going to be killing any Iraqi that gets in your way, for the love of God, keep it in your pants, you sick perverts!!
That’s it.
Yes!! We start off with a joke. A woman is speaking to her soon-to-be husband and she insists that he not open ‘this box’ until after she dies.... ah forget it, this joke is crap. I'll just write the punchline.
That $25 000 is for all the doilies I sold!
Trust me, make up your own joke, it'll be funnier than the actual one.
10:50 – One of Jack’s big prophecies is that Russia is going to march into Israel. Now, Rexella was in Jerusalem at some point and she asked people if they thought Israel and Russia were going to have a war. Half of them said “yes”, half of them said, “I don’t know.” Man, if that’s not in depth analysis, I don’t know what is.
11:31 – Jack comments on the fact that the Americans had to pull troops out of North Korea and send them to Iraq. He then says that Clinton lost the nuclear code during his affair with Monica Lewinsky. He then says that without this code, there would have been no way to intercept a nuclear missile fired at the US. Moral of this particular story? Sex is bad, especially outside of a marriage, ESPECIALLY with a chubby intern.
12:30 – Hey! We can’t afford to take men out of North Korea because they DO have nuclear weapons and “God only knows what will happen in the future.” I’m a little confused by this, because the whole point of this show is to say that Christ is basically on His way, so who cares what happens in North Korea?? I say, “Nuke ‘em, all” I’m going to be lounging around in heaven with all my dead pets, and all your dead pets, and every other dead animal that you’ve ever seen. That dead raccoon on the side of the road? Yup, he’ll be there, of course the tire marks won’t be there and all his internal organs will be back on the inside, just like God intended.
Jack’s pretty excited about being alive to see all these signs, because if he were dead, he'd be in heaven, and well, I guess in Jack's mind, that would be a bad thing.
23:00 – Jack’s prayer. Rexella says that if we prayed it, God will have heard us. I wonder if God heard us laughing hysterically and questioning his very existence?
24:00 - QUESTION OF THE WEEK??
Iraq – How did it come to this?
Hmmmm, a few headlines about the Iraqi prisoner fiasco. Ha ha!! Jack says co-ed basic training is “nothing but a whore house”. He says that there is alcohol, drugs, and sex galore over there. Hmmm, kind of makes me want to join the army. Too bad I’m Canadian. Why is all that happening? Well, it’s because they’ve taken the bible out of the schools. Of course! Actually, Jack doesn’t say anything about the prisoner abuse, it’s all about the sex. I guess the bible doesn’t say anything about loving thy neighbour as thyself. Unmarried sex makes Jesus cry, and if you’re going to be fighting an immoral war over oil, and you’re going to be killing any Iraqi that gets in your way, for the love of God, keep it in your pants, you sick perverts!!
That’s it.
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Remember Deep Thoughts from Saturday Night Live? I love these things, they're hilarious. Some of my favourites:
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Pure gold...
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Pure gold...
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Maybe they should just 'Let it Be'...
I always get annoyed when people ask celebrities what they think about current events. Why is Paul McCartney's opinion more important or valid than anyone else's? I don't care what Paul McCartney thinks about anything that doesn't involve the Beatles or the music business.
I noticed that Avril Lavigne was on Much Music and listening to her speak was painful.
"Well, like, you know, I like, think, that, women shouldn't feel, like, pressure, to like, sleep with guys, you know??"
Hmmm, I wonder what her stance on the situation in Iraq is.
Like, I think, you know, that, like, war is bad, like, 'cause when people die, it's like, really bad, you know?"
I don't fault her for being an incoherent teenager because that's what she is but I do think that we should know better than to ask for her opinion on anything that doesn't involve cute guys and how cool shopping is.
I noticed that Avril Lavigne was on Much Music and listening to her speak was painful.
"Well, like, you know, I like, think, that, women shouldn't feel, like, pressure, to like, sleep with guys, you know??"
Hmmm, I wonder what her stance on the situation in Iraq is.
Like, I think, you know, that, like, war is bad, like, 'cause when people die, it's like, really bad, you know?"
I don't fault her for being an incoherent teenager because that's what she is but I do think that we should know better than to ask for her opinion on anything that doesn't involve cute guys and how cool shopping is.
800th visitor!!!
Wow, 800 unfortunate people have had the pleasure of reading this. Actually, it's fewer than that, as repeat hits on different days increment the counter. Whatever. I need another Nobuhiro Sugawara to get more traffic.
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Maxim's Beat this Caption!!
It's time to try to Beat this Caption once again. And "No", I haven't received my prize yet.
Hmmmm, my first thought was something along the lines of the dude having a fat lip....but then it came to me. I know I say this every week, but this time (as well as that other time) I really am going to win.
"Malcolm XL"
I hope they don't mind naming me the winner once again....
Curves update!! (That's right, I did some research....)
Curves is classified as a Special Program in the Ontario Human Rights Code (section 14). Here's a Guideline. I think section 2 of the guideline covers it. Is Curves discriminating against men? Nope. It's a Special Program that helps women exercise their right (get it 'exercise'...Ha, ha, I'm soo funny) to comfortably go to a gym.
I suppose it could be argued that Curves isn't:
designed to relieve a hardship or economic disadvantage; or
designed to assist disadvantaged persons or groups to achieve equal opportunity; or
designed to contribute to the elimination of the infringement of rights protected under the Code.
But it can also be argued that it is, and apparently, the Province of Ontario is satisfied that Curves is a Special Program. As for David's golf course example, a golf course that does not allow Jewish people to join isn't the same as a gym for women, and would not be allowed to operate.
I suppose it could be argued that Curves isn't:
designed to relieve a hardship or economic disadvantage; or
designed to assist disadvantaged persons or groups to achieve equal opportunity; or
designed to contribute to the elimination of the infringement of rights protected under the Code.
But it can also be argued that it is, and apparently, the Province of Ontario is satisfied that Curves is a Special Program. As for David's golf course example, a golf course that does not allow Jewish people to join isn't the same as a gym for women, and would not be allowed to operate.
Saturday, May 22, 2004
I'm going to sue Curves because I'm a man, and then if I win, I'm never EVER going to go there, because, well, it's for women....
I was reading one of David's posts on Tainted Glass and I think we should leave Curves alone.
The Ontario Human Rights Code says,
Every person has a right to equal treatment with respect to services, goods and facilities, without discrimination because of race, ancestry, place of origin, colour, ethnic origin, citizenship, creed, sex, sexual orientation, age, marital status, same-sex partnership status, family status or disability.
Now, I'm going out on a limb here by saying that, wherever there is a Curves in Ontario, there is an equally good gym for men (I'm not looking them up, I don't care that much). This means that men don't need to go to Curves, and Curves shouldn't have to open their doors to men. If women want a place to exercise where there are only women and no men, then let them have it. There's no reason a man would need to go to Curves, so there's no reason for us to make a big deal about the fact that we can't. Except to 'prove a point', but if that's the only reason, you need a good smack-up-side-the-head.
The Ontario Human Rights Code says,
Every person has a right to equal treatment with respect to services, goods and facilities, without discrimination because of race, ancestry, place of origin, colour, ethnic origin, citizenship, creed, sex, sexual orientation, age, marital status, same-sex partnership status, family status or disability.
Now, I'm going out on a limb here by saying that, wherever there is a Curves in Ontario, there is an equally good gym for men (I'm not looking them up, I don't care that much). This means that men don't need to go to Curves, and Curves shouldn't have to open their doors to men. If women want a place to exercise where there are only women and no men, then let them have it. There's no reason a man would need to go to Curves, so there's no reason for us to make a big deal about the fact that we can't. Except to 'prove a point', but if that's the only reason, you need a good smack-up-side-the-head.
God bless computers...
I don't like computers much, basically because they're a strange, complex arrangement of resistors and capacitors that magically bring the wonderful world of international news and pornography into my room. How do they do it? I don't know, I've never had much of a mind for it, and taking a course in digital logic didn't help much. I think it only confused me more. Anyways, unpredictable things scare me, and my computer tends to be a little unpredictable. For example, yesterday. I just moved my computer to another room, and set up a wireless router, and magically, everything worked. Now this morning, I couldn't connect to the internet. So, I focussed all my computer problem solving skills and past experience in fixing computer issues and I rebooted it. That didn't work. Anyways, to make a long story short, the wireless receiver was picking up the neighbour's signal, as, apparently, they have a router as well. Thanks to Scott and Julia for fixing it, as I had no idea what to do. Problem solved, internet works, and if I'm ever about to download a whole ton of crap, I know I can just connect through the neighbour's internet.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Original names...
Gwyneth Paltrow and 'that dude from Coldplay' have named their baby Apple. MSN has put together a list of other original names that celebrities have given their children. I was thinking about this earlier, and I came up with a few.
5. Grapefruit. That's good for either a boy or a girl I'd say.
4. Artichoke. Obviously a boy's name. Short forms would be 'Arty' or 'Choke'.
3. Beet. "I'd like to introduce you to my son Beet. Hey Beet, come here a sec."
2. Egg Plant. "I'm sorry, Egg Plant isn't home right now. Can I take a message?"
1. Baby Peeled Carrots. Not sure how an adult would feel about being called "Baby Peeled Carrots", but I'd be honoured to have such a distinctive name. I'm sure any child would be thanking their parents everyday while they are getting beaten up and having their lunch money stolen.
Please feel free to use these names if you're ever in need of a name for a child. I promise, I won't mind.
5. Grapefruit. That's good for either a boy or a girl I'd say.
4. Artichoke. Obviously a boy's name. Short forms would be 'Arty' or 'Choke'.
3. Beet. "I'd like to introduce you to my son Beet. Hey Beet, come here a sec."
2. Egg Plant. "I'm sorry, Egg Plant isn't home right now. Can I take a message?"
1. Baby Peeled Carrots. Not sure how an adult would feel about being called "Baby Peeled Carrots", but I'd be honoured to have such a distinctive name. I'm sure any child would be thanking their parents everyday while they are getting beaten up and having their lunch money stolen.
Please feel free to use these names if you're ever in need of a name for a child. I promise, I won't mind.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Maxim's Beat this Caption
Con-jungle Visits!! Of course. Why didn't I think of that??
I'm not pasting this week's, it's kind of dumb anyways. It immediately lends itself to a blow-job joke, but I can't think of one.
I'm not pasting this week's, it's kind of dumb anyways. It immediately lends itself to a blow-job joke, but I can't think of one.
Monday, May 17, 2004
This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired May 15, 2004)
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and blah, blah, you know the rest...
Rexella is talking about some letters she has received about the Animals in Heaven DVD. Oooh, there’s a little cat curled up on the DVD. What does that mean? Nothing at all, cats’ll lie on any old piece of crap. Jack quotes some passages about “all flesh shall see the salvation of God”, and Animals have flesh so they'll be in heaven. That’s a bit of a stretch Jack. Murderous killers have flesh too. Will they see the salvation of God???
3:00 - Rexella shows some political cartoons about Kerry and Bush. They’re not funny. But wait!! Jack says something funny. He says when he was in college he decided to memorize the dictionary but he only got through “A”. That’s ok though because “if his annunciations and articulations are abundantly augmented by “A” one will allude to his association with Webster’s amalgamation of alphabetical arrangement and automatically alter his approach.”!! Ha! That’s funny, because he used a bunch of big “A” words and anyone who argued with him would think he knew a lot of other big words starting with other letters as well and then they’d think twice about questioning him! Funny! Rexella is really enjoying this, although I can’t help but think that she’s probably heard that one a thousand times before.
14:30 - “End times preaching is religious terrorism”. 7 things that promote religious terrorism is the article. Jack is going to comment on each one!!
1. The Anti-Christ.
2. The Armageddon.
3. The End times.
4. The Final Judgement.
5. The Rapture.
6. The Tribulation.
7. The Revelation.
Jack basically says that if all that says, “terrorism”, then the bible is a terroristic book. I’m a little disappointed in his rebuttal. I guess maybe because he found some bible passages relating to each one, we’re supposed to come to the conclusion that it’s not religious terrorism it's just the way it is.
Question of the week. Please comment on the “Rapture Racket”. Well, Did John Darby and ‘some retarded girl’ come up with the idea of the rapture in 1830? (He actually referred to her as 'some retarded girl', I don’t know if she actually was retarded, or if Jack just doesn’t think much of her) Jack says that is so much baloney!!! Jack goes on to prove his point in the same old way. Since the word ‘rapture’ doesn’t appear in the bible, he has to interpret a number of passages in a goofy sort of way and of course the conclusion is that he’s right, everyone else is wrong, so PRAISE JESUS all you heathen, soon-to-be-sent-to-hell-for-all-eternity ignorant bastards!!
Back to the crappy offer of the week. Something about the holy spirit. Rexella says I need it. I’m not sure I do, but I don’t like them threatening me. That sounds like religious terrorism to me...
Rexella is talking about some letters she has received about the Animals in Heaven DVD. Oooh, there’s a little cat curled up on the DVD. What does that mean? Nothing at all, cats’ll lie on any old piece of crap. Jack quotes some passages about “all flesh shall see the salvation of God”, and Animals have flesh so they'll be in heaven. That’s a bit of a stretch Jack. Murderous killers have flesh too. Will they see the salvation of God???
3:00 - Rexella shows some political cartoons about Kerry and Bush. They’re not funny. But wait!! Jack says something funny. He says when he was in college he decided to memorize the dictionary but he only got through “A”. That’s ok though because “if his annunciations and articulations are abundantly augmented by “A” one will allude to his association with Webster’s amalgamation of alphabetical arrangement and automatically alter his approach.”!! Ha! That’s funny, because he used a bunch of big “A” words and anyone who argued with him would think he knew a lot of other big words starting with other letters as well and then they’d think twice about questioning him! Funny! Rexella is really enjoying this, although I can’t help but think that she’s probably heard that one a thousand times before.
14:30 - “End times preaching is religious terrorism”. 7 things that promote religious terrorism is the article. Jack is going to comment on each one!!
1. The Anti-Christ.
2. The Armageddon.
3. The End times.
4. The Final Judgement.
5. The Rapture.
6. The Tribulation.
7. The Revelation.
Jack basically says that if all that says, “terrorism”, then the bible is a terroristic book. I’m a little disappointed in his rebuttal. I guess maybe because he found some bible passages relating to each one, we’re supposed to come to the conclusion that it’s not religious terrorism it's just the way it is.
Question of the week. Please comment on the “Rapture Racket”. Well, Did John Darby and ‘some retarded girl’ come up with the idea of the rapture in 1830? (He actually referred to her as 'some retarded girl', I don’t know if she actually was retarded, or if Jack just doesn’t think much of her) Jack says that is so much baloney!!! Jack goes on to prove his point in the same old way. Since the word ‘rapture’ doesn’t appear in the bible, he has to interpret a number of passages in a goofy sort of way and of course the conclusion is that he’s right, everyone else is wrong, so PRAISE JESUS all you heathen, soon-to-be-sent-to-hell-for-all-eternity ignorant bastards!!
Back to the crappy offer of the week. Something about the holy spirit. Rexella says I need it. I’m not sure I do, but I don’t like them threatening me. That sounds like religious terrorism to me...
Sunday, May 16, 2004
Crest Whitestrips...
You've all seen the annoying commercial where the woman shows up for lunch with her girlfriends and something is different.... She must have a new man they conclude. Well, the truth is, her confidence is soaring because her teeth are whiter!!(thanks of course to Crest Whitestrips) Well, that woman could be ME! I've always wondered if these teeth whiteners work (especially Crest Whitestrips), so now I'm going to find out. I took a before picture, and after 14 days, I'll take another and compare. They give some whitening tips too, number 6 is my favourite.
Use Crest Whitestrips with a friend or family member. Mike and Julie say, "We use Crest Whitestrips together. That way we can remind each other to use them."
Wow, what an exciting couple they must be. And if you're wondering why I wrote Crest Whitestrips so many times, well, I want to show up on Google when someone searches for Crest Whitestrips. Crest Whitestrips, Crest Whitestrips, Crest Whitestrips, can't say it enough.
Use Crest Whitestrips with a friend or family member. Mike and Julie say, "We use Crest Whitestrips together. That way we can remind each other to use them."
Wow, what an exciting couple they must be. And if you're wondering why I wrote Crest Whitestrips so many times, well, I want to show up on Google when someone searches for Crest Whitestrips. Crest Whitestrips, Crest Whitestrips, Crest Whitestrips, can't say it enough.
Troy
Because the last movie I saw was Van Helsing, in comparison, this movie was superb. The 3 hours went by pretty quickly and it was entertaining. Parts were pretty dumb, they didn't really develop the characters, and there were a lot of shirtless sweaty men, but despite these things, it was decent. Brad Pitt really isn't a very good actor either. I give it a 6 out of 10.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
This is hysterical.
This is truly the world's most demanding sport. CHESS BOXING!!!. If it's even real....I'm not sure what to make of this...
"Ok champ, by the mobility of a piece I mean the number of squares accessible to it. A Bishop or a Rook which stands in an unobstructed file is obviously worth more than one whose sphere of action is limited on account of its way being blocked. This does not mean, however, that a Bishop or a Knight to whom, at a certain moment, three or four squares are accessible, is more valuable than a Rook who at the same moment can go only to one or two squares!"
"Ok champ, by the mobility of a piece I mean the number of squares accessible to it. A Bishop or a Rook which stands in an unobstructed file is obviously worth more than one whose sphere of action is limited on account of its way being blocked. This does not mean, however, that a Bishop or a Knight to whom, at a certain moment, three or four squares are accessible, is more valuable than a Rook who at the same moment can go only to one or two squares!"
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
It's Impe time again....
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell. This week's topic? Who knows? Same as every week.
Actually, the morons at Jack's website have posted last week's show again. It's kind of hard to tell, as all these shows are the same. It's also kind of sad that I recognized the fact that it's the same as last week's. :-(
Well, I guess I'll make fun of them anyways.
"I once caught a fish THIS big!!! Now, I could only feed Rexella and myself, but JESUS could have fed 5000 people (John 5:6-14)! Imagine that! When Christ returns (in a few years, if I’m not mistaken) He’d be a fool not to open a restaurant. He’d call it “Christ, that’s good Eatin’ ” Or, “Jesus' Fish and Chips, come for fish, stay for the salvation”. "
Actually, the morons at Jack's website have posted last week's show again. It's kind of hard to tell, as all these shows are the same. It's also kind of sad that I recognized the fact that it's the same as last week's. :-(
Well, I guess I'll make fun of them anyways.
"I once caught a fish THIS big!!! Now, I could only feed Rexella and myself, but JESUS could have fed 5000 people (John 5:6-14)! Imagine that! When Christ returns (in a few years, if I’m not mistaken) He’d be a fool not to open a restaurant. He’d call it “Christ, that’s good Eatin’ ” Or, “Jesus' Fish and Chips, come for fish, stay for the salvation”. "
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Beat this Caption!!
It's that time of the week again!! Maxim's "Beat this Caption". Now, to think of a stupid pun involving monkeys....
How about:
Good-byes after conjugal visits are always hard. (Although I kind of stole that one from my sister.)
or
Tarzan say, "Cheetahs never win"
That's as good as it's getting tonight....
==============================
Last week's winner. Who ordered the Jim and Tonic?
Monday, May 10, 2004
What a Charade....
I try to steer clear of issues like this, basically because I don't do much research, and don't like being called an idiot, but this headline:
Bush Sees New Abuse Photos With 'Disgust'
is stupid. Ooooh, Bush sees new abuse photos with disgust. Me too George, I'm SHOCKED!!! Could this possibly happen in an AMERICAN army? Aren't they the good guys?? Aren't they the pillars of justice, and bringers of freedom, and aren't they compassionate, kind and gentle to their Iraqi prisoners? Of course not!! Why would they be??? Anyone who is surprised that this goes on is living in a fantasy world. Snap out of it people!! Bush is not 'disgusted' by these photos. Disgusted that they made it to the press maybe. Disgusted that Ms. Lynndie England is dumb enough to pose for photographs maybe. Disgusted that he has to deal with it now.
I like this article, thanks to Tainted Glass for finding it.
TRAILER-PARK GIRL IN THE EYE OF THE STORM
Colleen Kesner, a local in her home town, said: "To the country boys here, if you're a different nationality, a different race, you're sub-human. That's the way that girls like Lynndie are raised.
"Tormenting Iraqis, to their mind, would be no different from shooting a turkey."
Who's Colleen Kesner? Who cares? But she knows what Joe "Country Bumpkin" American is like. Lynndie England, leaves the trailer park to venture out on an exciting journey to IRAQ!! That's further away than the county line (which was probably the furthest away from home she'd ever been). This is what happens when you take an ignorant, redneck trailer park dweller, and give them power over people who they feel superior too. What can be done about this?? Nothing. People will always find ways to harass and torment people who they don't see as equal, and I'd be pretty comfortable in saying that Ms. England doesn't see anything wrong with what she did. She's probably confused about why everyone is making such a big deal about it. These are the types of people who want to be prison guards in the army. I can't imagine it's the type of job that appeals to the educated, well adjusted compassionate people of the world. The saddest thing about this? She's 4 months pregnant, and that kid will think the exact same way that she does. Like father like son.....
Bush Sees New Abuse Photos With 'Disgust'
is stupid. Ooooh, Bush sees new abuse photos with disgust. Me too George, I'm SHOCKED!!! Could this possibly happen in an AMERICAN army? Aren't they the good guys?? Aren't they the pillars of justice, and bringers of freedom, and aren't they compassionate, kind and gentle to their Iraqi prisoners? Of course not!! Why would they be??? Anyone who is surprised that this goes on is living in a fantasy world. Snap out of it people!! Bush is not 'disgusted' by these photos. Disgusted that they made it to the press maybe. Disgusted that Ms. Lynndie England is dumb enough to pose for photographs maybe. Disgusted that he has to deal with it now.
I like this article, thanks to Tainted Glass for finding it.
TRAILER-PARK GIRL IN THE EYE OF THE STORM
Colleen Kesner, a local in her home town, said: "To the country boys here, if you're a different nationality, a different race, you're sub-human. That's the way that girls like Lynndie are raised.
"Tormenting Iraqis, to their mind, would be no different from shooting a turkey."
Who's Colleen Kesner? Who cares? But she knows what Joe "Country Bumpkin" American is like. Lynndie England, leaves the trailer park to venture out on an exciting journey to IRAQ!! That's further away than the county line (which was probably the furthest away from home she'd ever been). This is what happens when you take an ignorant, redneck trailer park dweller, and give them power over people who they feel superior too. What can be done about this?? Nothing. People will always find ways to harass and torment people who they don't see as equal, and I'd be pretty comfortable in saying that Ms. England doesn't see anything wrong with what she did. She's probably confused about why everyone is making such a big deal about it. These are the types of people who want to be prison guards in the army. I can't imagine it's the type of job that appeals to the educated, well adjusted compassionate people of the world. The saddest thing about this? She's 4 months pregnant, and that kid will think the exact same way that she does. Like father like son.....
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Van Helsing!!
Don't go see this movie! I implore you. It is CRAP. Words can't really express how bad this movie is. Well, some words can, for example, awful, abominable, amiss, atrocious, awful, bad, beastly, blah, bottom out, bummer, careless, cheap, cheesy, crappy, cruddy, crummy, defective, deficient, diddly, dissatisfactory, downer, dreadful, erroneous, fallacious, faulty, garbage, ghastly, god-awful, gross, grungy, horrid, icky, imperfect, inadequate, incorrect, inferior, junky, lousy, not good, off, pathetic, poor, raunchy, rough, sad, scuzzy, shockingly repellent, slipshod, stinking, substandard, the pits, terrible, unacceptable, unsatisfactory.
Having said that, there were a few good things about this movie....no, wait, there weren't. It just plain sucked. No plot, no dialogue, bad editing, bad directing, bad special effects. It appears that minimal effort was put into making this movie decent. The fact that it's going to make money makes me sad.
I give it 1/10, simply because Kate Beckinsale is so hot. If it were just her sitting in a chair reading for 2 hours, I'd give it a 3/10. It'd still be weak on plot and dialogue, but you wouldn't want to gouge your eyes out when it was over.
In case you don't believe me:
Sucky Review 1
Sucky Review 2
Sucky Review 3
Having said that, there were a few good things about this movie....no, wait, there weren't. It just plain sucked. No plot, no dialogue, bad editing, bad directing, bad special effects. It appears that minimal effort was put into making this movie decent. The fact that it's going to make money makes me sad.
I give it 1/10, simply because Kate Beckinsale is so hot. If it were just her sitting in a chair reading for 2 hours, I'd give it a 3/10. It'd still be weak on plot and dialogue, but you wouldn't want to gouge your eyes out when it was over.
In case you don't believe me:
Sucky Review 1
Sucky Review 2
Sucky Review 3
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Give me a break!
This pisses me off. Why must we put advertisements on EVERYTHING? We have enough advertisements around us ALL THE TIME, why on earth do we have to put Spiderman ads on bases? This has to end!
The promotion, announced Wednesday, is part of baseball's pitch to appeal to younger fans.
How? Who, other than the players and people watching tv, are going to see these ads on the bases? If young fans are going to the game solely because there's a Spiderman ad on a base, then the sport is dead. If you want the sport to appeal to younger fans, make it easier for families to go. Decrease the ticket prices, make the players available for autographs and pictures. We should go to the game to see our 'heroes' running the bases, not to see super heroes ON the bases.
The promotion, announced Wednesday, is part of baseball's pitch to appeal to younger fans.
How? Who, other than the players and people watching tv, are going to see these ads on the bases? If young fans are going to the game solely because there's a Spiderman ad on a base, then the sport is dead. If you want the sport to appeal to younger fans, make it easier for families to go. Decrease the ticket prices, make the players available for autographs and pictures. We should go to the game to see our 'heroes' running the bases, not to see super heroes ON the bases.
Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!!!! (aired May 1, 2004)
From the world headquarters of Jack Van Impe Ministries (Jack’s basement). International news and in-depth analysis!! (if by in-depth you mean “whacked out references to the bible”)
Rexella still has the stupid glasses on.
2:50 – Rexella says that Protestant, Catholic and Orthodox denominations all preach the same stuff as Jack. She then goes through some of these prophecies and Jack spews some verses that agree with them. It’s nice that we all get along, but not so nice that they all agree with Jack. THAT must be a sign.
Lots of signs! Pestilence!! Earthquakes!! The Anti-Christ who Jesus will destroy to determine the undisputed ruler of the universe! It's a unification bout, no standing 8 count. They’re all signs!! A bolt of lightning from east to west will announce that the Lord has arrived!! That Don King sure knows how to put on a show.
7:35 – More signs.
9:25 – Jack says the world is never going to end. NEVER!! I know some astronomers who would disagree. I believe that in some enormous number of years the earth is going to be swallowed by the sun, and then the world WILL end. We’ll all be cooked. Actually, we’ll all probably be long dead, so there won’t be anyone here to realize that taking the bible literally was a waste of a good life. Unless we're all living on Mars.
10:00 - Ooooh, headlines!! Uh oh,”Mother God would enable more freedom!!” I doubt Jack likes the idea of a mother God… Rexella says, “Mother Gawd? Mother Gawd?” She seems so baffled by that statement. How could anyone with half a brain possibly think something that isn’t in the bible?? Jack says, “Our FATHER who art in Heaven. Unto us a child is born, unto us a SON is given.” Ain’t no room for no mother God. ‘HE’, ‘HE’, ‘HE’….the bible refers to God as He, therefore it is true.
14:46 – Again, Jack proves the bible is true by finding some bible passages that say so. :-(
15:30 - Jack proves that the bible is the word of God by quoting a bunch of numbers, and comparing 24800 direct manuscripts of the bible in existence. Compare them, they are the same. Whoa, more whacked out ‘evidence’ that doesn’t make any sense. You might want to check out this part. Jack is proud of his proof. I think he’s an idiot who only proved that he’s a nut.
Finally, there’s a new OFFER OF THE WEEK!!!! The Baptism of the Holy Spirit?? That’s not half as interesting as “Animals in Heaven”.
QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! Is the end imminent??? Well, Jack doesn’t believe the world is going to end, for at least another 1000 years!! World is going to end? That’s just ridiculous!! The earth even after 1000 years will never end. The meek inherit the earth for ever and ever. Of his kingdom there will be no end. QED!! Signed sealed and delivered, Jack has once again proven that the world will never end. Sun swallowing the earth in a umpteen billion years?? Hogwash. Bible don’t make no reference to that so it will NEVER happen. It’s just baloney. Sheer baloney.
Rexella still has the stupid glasses on.
2:50 – Rexella says that Protestant, Catholic and Orthodox denominations all preach the same stuff as Jack. She then goes through some of these prophecies and Jack spews some verses that agree with them. It’s nice that we all get along, but not so nice that they all agree with Jack. THAT must be a sign.
Lots of signs! Pestilence!! Earthquakes!! The Anti-Christ who Jesus will destroy to determine the undisputed ruler of the universe! It's a unification bout, no standing 8 count. They’re all signs!! A bolt of lightning from east to west will announce that the Lord has arrived!! That Don King sure knows how to put on a show.
7:35 – More signs.
9:25 – Jack says the world is never going to end. NEVER!! I know some astronomers who would disagree. I believe that in some enormous number of years the earth is going to be swallowed by the sun, and then the world WILL end. We’ll all be cooked. Actually, we’ll all probably be long dead, so there won’t be anyone here to realize that taking the bible literally was a waste of a good life. Unless we're all living on Mars.
10:00 - Ooooh, headlines!! Uh oh,”Mother God would enable more freedom!!” I doubt Jack likes the idea of a mother God… Rexella says, “Mother Gawd? Mother Gawd?” She seems so baffled by that statement. How could anyone with half a brain possibly think something that isn’t in the bible?? Jack says, “Our FATHER who art in Heaven. Unto us a child is born, unto us a SON is given.” Ain’t no room for no mother God. ‘HE’, ‘HE’, ‘HE’….the bible refers to God as He, therefore it is true.
14:46 – Again, Jack proves the bible is true by finding some bible passages that say so. :-(
15:30 - Jack proves that the bible is the word of God by quoting a bunch of numbers, and comparing 24800 direct manuscripts of the bible in existence. Compare them, they are the same. Whoa, more whacked out ‘evidence’ that doesn’t make any sense. You might want to check out this part. Jack is proud of his proof. I think he’s an idiot who only proved that he’s a nut.
Finally, there’s a new OFFER OF THE WEEK!!!! The Baptism of the Holy Spirit?? That’s not half as interesting as “Animals in Heaven”.
QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! Is the end imminent??? Well, Jack doesn’t believe the world is going to end, for at least another 1000 years!! World is going to end? That’s just ridiculous!! The earth even after 1000 years will never end. The meek inherit the earth for ever and ever. Of his kingdom there will be no end. QED!! Signed sealed and delivered, Jack has once again proven that the world will never end. Sun swallowing the earth in a umpteen billion years?? Hogwash. Bible don’t make no reference to that so it will NEVER happen. It’s just baloney. Sheer baloney.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
RIP Leafs....
For those of you who may not remember, read this (pay special attention to the last line). Am I psychic?? No, of course not, just realistic. I'm almost looking forward to listening to the excuses the radio stations come up with tomorrow for this unbelievable upset.
Beat this Caption!!!
Well, I've decided to return to the wonderful world of Maxim's "Beat this Caption". I took a few weeks off after my glorious win. Haven't gotten my prize yet either.....
I was thinking something along the lines of
"Optical Illusions: Some people see a glass, some see 2 faces, but if you look real close you can see an old bald guy."
I think that's too 'high brow' though. Maybe,
"I only need to wear it when I'm reading"
implying that it's a reading glass, or
"After dinner, Grandpa didn't notice that he had something on his lip."
Man, I'm so funny!! I can't decide which one to submit.
Monday, May 03, 2004
Check this out!!
If you search for "Jack Van Impe" "Animals in Heaven", on AOL Search the top 5 sites are all mine!!! I pity the poor bastard who actually wants to find that DVD. Their poor dog is dead, and all they can find are my Jack Van Impe reviews. If only I could ease their pain...
Most Demanding Sports
ESPN.com has put together a list of the most demanding sports. They rate
them in terms of a number of criteria. See the page for a list and their explanations.
What do they say is the most demanding sport?? Boxing. Ice hockey is second, football third, basketball fourth. I don't know about you, but I think this list is messed up. They list baseball/softball in the top ten. I like baseball, but it's not all that demanding. Any sport a big fat guy can excel at, in my opinion isn't all that demanding. I dislike soccer a lot, but I'd still say it's more demanding than baseball, and basketball for that matter. They stacked the basketball score. Stupid Americans, can't admit that a sport they love is wussy. They also rate skateboarding above rowing. I've 'rowed' on a rowing machine before, and it's hard. Skateboarding harder than rowing?? I can't imagine. The 'NERVE' category shouldn't even be a category. Who says that the highdiver has to overcome any fear? Why do we assume that they're afraid? Pretty subjective if you ask me. I personally think hockey is more demanding than boxing, but then again, I've never boxed. I don't have the nerve....
them in terms of a number of criteria. See the page for a list and their explanations.
What do they say is the most demanding sport?? Boxing. Ice hockey is second, football third, basketball fourth. I don't know about you, but I think this list is messed up. They list baseball/softball in the top ten. I like baseball, but it's not all that demanding. Any sport a big fat guy can excel at, in my opinion isn't all that demanding. I dislike soccer a lot, but I'd still say it's more demanding than baseball, and basketball for that matter. They stacked the basketball score. Stupid Americans, can't admit that a sport they love is wussy. They also rate skateboarding above rowing. I've 'rowed' on a rowing machine before, and it's hard. Skateboarding harder than rowing?? I can't imagine. The 'NERVE' category shouldn't even be a category. Who says that the highdiver has to overcome any fear? Why do we assume that they're afraid? Pretty subjective if you ask me. I personally think hockey is more demanding than boxing, but then again, I've never boxed. I don't have the nerve....
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Willkommenes Deutschland!!
Ich habe beachtet, daß es viele deutsche Suchen nach "Nobuhiro Sugawara" auf Google gibt. Es gibt eine Verbindung zu ihr unten. Danke für vorbei stoppen. Ich weiß, daß die Übersetzung schlecht ist, aber bitte eine Anmerkung läßt (COMMENT). Danke!!
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